Pray this from the Spirit within and with your understanding every word. Feel and think what David is feeling and thinking when his sin was ever before Him and he cried out to God to not pour out His infinite wrath on him but He begged God…
“Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.”
David had sinned, many times and had waited quite some time to confess his sin/sins. David committed adultery with Bathsheba and had conspired to murder Uriah once he found out she was pregnant. God said the baby would die and that David would be at war with God’s enemies the rest of his life Psalm 51 records David’s confession and plea to God for forgiveness, restored joy, a sense of his presence, cleansing, washing, a willing, renewed steadfast spirit, his body to feel better, to learn wisdom, to open his lips so he could praise God and for God to be pleased with the prosperity of Zion.
You can own the text. Your heart and David’s heart are one if you are saved. David is thinking and feeling certain things. If you know those things he is thinking and feeling then you can recognize when you are thinking and feeling the same way and then read Psalm 51 as if it were you prayer to God.
Many people methodical pray the Lords Prayer and don’t mean it or even know what they are praying. They pray “Our Father who art in heaven” And they know fairly well what that means but as soon as you hit “Hallowed be Thy Name.” Now they are stuck saying something they have no clue what the meaning is. Now its okay to repeat it to learn it and memorize it and meditate on it to get more of the meaning, but you have not “owned the text” as I am calling it until you understand what “Hallowed be Thy Name” means and you as well sincerely desire for God’s Name to be Hallowed. Worship and prayer must be with our understanding in our mind as to the truth of the text.
John 4:24 “God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.” “truth” What is the truth in the text. No fake news here, only truth. You must have truth in your head and an affection for it in your heart. God is Holy, His name is Holy, Hallowed or Sanctified is His Name. His Name is Holy. Hallowed be Thy Name. God has no mixture of evil in Him. Hallowed be Thy Name. God is God. God created the heavens and the earth. Hallowed be Your Name. Your Name is Holy, it is so, may It be set apart as Holy in our hearts and minds. Hallowed be Your Name.
We must pray knowing what we are praying for and sincerely desire it and not just repeat word because they sound good or someone more mature than us says something. Isn’t Jesus the Best!! He is so Awesome! He taught his disciples how to pray!! Maybe I will do the Lords prayer some day but for now we do ask “Forgive us our debts..” as David also asked for forgiveness. David’s confession of sin is much more extensive.
David’s words become your words, David’s feelings about sin, to one degree or another and at various times, should be the same as yours if you are saved. David says “Have mercy on me, O God” to God when feeling he deserves the full Wrath of God because he disobeyed God but doesn’t want to get what he deserves so he asks God to hold back His Full Wrath, therefore having mercy on David because of His unfailing love.
Prerequisite knowledge and feelings in order to pray “Have mercy on me, O God. According to your unfailing love.”
- Know who God is in relation to you. “Have mercy on me, O God.”
- Your sin must be ever before you. 51:3
- Know what mercy is. Have “mercy”
- So that you know what you are asking for
- That way you can praise Him when He gives it.
- When do you cry out for Mercy
- Know the basis on which you can receive Mercy
- Where does Mercy come from
- Salvation from sin is not by good works
David cries out to God for mercy. Mercy You can sincerely pray this from your heart if you are thinking about God and you know you deserve his Wrath because you have sinned. But you can’t repeat and pray verses like 51:7 because we don’t think of hyssop as cleansing but we do know the Blood of Christ can cleanse or rather a belief in his death for our sins will cleanse the heart of guilt and cleanse from the sense of His Displeasure.
So we see that in order for you to own the text and have your heart aligned with David’s heart who was a man after God’s own heart, me must be thinking and feeling what David does when confessing sin. By the way God hates the sin but loves to hear your sincere confession of it!! Go to God, return like the prodigal son to the gracious, merciful, loving and open arms of your Heavenly Father!
Let’s look at the first verse in detail and take it step by step so we get a clear understanding of the words and can align our hearts with the Word of God to become more one with God.
Know your relationship to God
Your relationship with God is like that of a servant or slave to a king. There is a union there between the king and the servant. There is a bond. One rules with authority and the servants willing obey. To not obey means both physical death and afterward the second death in the lake of fire forever and ever. God is the Creator of the heavens and the earth. He created the earth and the first humans. Adam and Eve. They were one.
They were one as God the Father and God the Son are One. God is the Authority. He made us and He is The King of Kings and we are the servants. We eagerly obey our most wise king/King or husband/Husband. You have been transferred from the kingdom of darkness to the Kingdom of the Son of God’s Love. Christ is your King. When you invite Christ into your heart as King, this means He tells you what to think and He tells you what to do. You must have right ideas of God and His relationship to you.
Consequences for severing that relationship.
Sin separates us from a joyful holy communion with God through Christ. You feel his displeasure. You sense His Wrath. The wages of sin is Eternal Death! Pain forever. No hope of ever getting out, only your despair will get worse as you forever weep and gnash your teeth, forever getting hotter with no drop of grace. Only strict Justice forever. You must think upon hell. It is what you deserve. Its what God may not give you by His Grace if He so chooses, but it is what you deserve. If you do not meditate and get clearer and clearer idea’s of hell then your love for Christ will be stagnate. Plus you can’t own the text if you don’t have a clear idea of hell. David deserved hell and he knew it, David had sinned and deserved the full Wrath of God, but David didn’t want to experience the Wrath of God,
but knew a substitute would die in his place “hyssop”, so David cried out for Mercy.
Mercy is asking God to hold back what you deserve. Imagine that Your asking God Please do not give me hell, it is what I deserve but please hold back giving me the eternal lake of fire that I deserve and “Have mercy on me, O God”
Even a mature believer can still be afraid sometime of the Wrath of Jesus. John saw Jesus in Rev. 1:12-18 and was afraid of Jesus punishing him but Jesus said “Do not be afraid.” And then proceeds to share more of who He was to John. “I am the first and the last” All things came from Me and all things, emanations of my Glory return to Me. I am all in all. this would remind John that the one speaking to him that he is afraid of is God. Now that doesn’t help matters to much but that it is what God did and not just who He was that help John to not fear His Wrath. Jesus, who died for Johns sins says “I am the first and the last, the living one, I was dead and now I am alive forever and ever..”
John saw the everlasting Love of God on display in the death of God in Christ! And that the one who died and rose again holds the keys of death and the un foreseen world”
In light of offending God, David knew his need Mercy from God. “Have mercy on me, O God.”
51:3 “Your sin is ever before you.”
You know what you did. It’s on your mind and you feel guilty. You feel ashamed. Separated from God. You haven’t been sweetly in faith praying and communing with God. Your sin is ever before you. You think of it in your bed at night and you go to sleep worrying about it. Soon the next day its ever before you again. This is God convicting you that you should confess your sin as David did. When you sin is ever before you. God to Him while He is calling you. Do not run away. Think of Jesus Christ on the cross bearing your sin and shame, think of the white linen coat of righteousness you will wear in heaven, the very Righteousness of Jesus Christ our LORD. When you sin is ever before you then pray as David did “Have Mercy on me, O God”
There is a great degree of Mercy needed.
“Have mercy on me, O God, according to your steadfast love.”
The amount and the duration of God’s love. David would like Mercy from God to a certain degree and duration. An infinite degree, according to your steadfast love. And an Eternal Duration “steadfast” love. God’s love is never ending. David is asking God to show him and infinite amount of mercy forever because God loves him. Were are not to ask out of God’s love but glorify God by asking according to His Love for us in Christ.
So when your sin is ever before you and you know you deserve the infinite Wrath of God because you offended so Great and Loving a God, ask for Mercy according to Gods steadfast Love. Cry out to Him when you sense his displeasure because you know what sin you did, it is ever before you on you mind and grieving your heart, you may even be condemning yourself although it is God who condemn us not ourselves. Our sin condemns us to the lake of fire before a Holy God. We deserve a hotter hell forever but God desiring to demonstrate His Love sent His Son to die for His Bride and cleanse her by his Blood and Word and present her a holy virgin to God.
There is a certain amount of mercy David would like to have from God. Mercy according to God’s steadfast love! Thats an infinite and eternal amount of Mercy David is asking for because David’s sin against God is an infinite offense to and infinitely Majestic Holy God. David knows his offense to God is immense, so David asks for an infinite amount of Mercy. Mercy according to God’s steadfast love.
Salvation from sin is not by good works.
When your sin is ever before you, Satan comes by to tell you every lie possible to keep you away from looking to Jesus for forgiveness. When you sin look to Jesus right away. No matter how bad your sin was and not matter how much of it you did, look now to Jesus its never to late and He is there will open hands. If you are sick with sin and are continuing in it, it is Jesus’s job to save you. He is your Savior from sin because he paid the penalty for your sin.
The devil will tell you and you will believe it that “you have to do good works to earn God’s favor” or he will send you to hell. The truth is that Jesus did the good works for us. When you feel guilty Satan will come by to get you to try to work hard to earn God’s favor and you will fail over and over again because their is no power in doing Good works to earn God’s favor, Power over sin comes from doing good works out of Love to God. You love God. God is Holy. You love the holiness of God therefore you do good works. Love to God and understanding His love to us in Christ will shatter all fear of punishment from God.
After you sin you will feel Guilty. The only way to be cleansed of that guilty shameful feeling is knowing what Jesus did on your behalf when he bore your sins. You see you just sinned. A jew in the old testament when they felt guilty would bring a goat to the high priest and lay their hand on the goat. The laying the hand on the goat signified the transfer of sin and guilt. The goat would run away symbolizing that God would soon send a substitute that would take our sins far away where you could not see them anymore.
The not seeing them anymore is the same as to not have your sin ever before you. David’s sin was ever before him and he did not want to see them anymore. He would like to believe that they were transferred to a substitute innocent lamb and be cleansed with hyssop, as we would ask to be cleansed by the blood of Christ. David was asking the same thing its just that Christ hadn’t done it yet.
“According to your great compassion, blot out my transgressions”
Not only is his sin ever before him and he wants an endless and infinite amount of Grace from God according to his steadfast love, but he also add “According to Your great Compassion.” David desires his transgressions to be blotted out. As if they weren’t there. Blot them out.
Transgressions. What are transgressions? To transgress is to step across the line. To go in a forbidden area. Sin is missing the mark and transgression are when you have crossed the line. There were boundaries God had set and you crossed them. God wanted David to not sleep with Bathsheba. David crossed the line and slept with her and that sin is on his record and ever before him. Along with murdering Uriah. David asks God for forgiveness. David was a murderer and an adulterous. David had crossed the line. God said do not murder and David transgressed that command and that sin was really on Christ’s record. But still David had transgressed and it is his sin that is ever before him and David asks to have it blotted out.
You know we never stop asking for fogginess from God. Even Jesus said to pray
“Our Father who art in Heaven Hallowed be thy Name….forgive us our debts..” He said that to the Disciple who were already “clean” Jesus said when washing Peters feet. Our daily if not hourly cleansing from sin. We don’t lose our salvation when we sin, but it will separate us from God for the degree and length of time of His choosing. But in the mean time when our sin is ever before us, surely faith in Christ alone and repentance and continued obedience will lead to the sweetest holy communion with Christ again, along with the joy of your salvation. Note that either David was doubting his salvation or a least felt like he wasn’t saved when his sin was ever before him, because he had no joy in his salvation. You rejoice in what you are sure about and are happy to be experiencing. David didn’t rejoice in his salvation from sin and its punishment, probably for at least 9 months.
By now you should be able to own the 1st verse
“Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.”
Pray this when your sin is ever before you. Pray this thinking of the specific sin you did and think about Christ on the cross, not only did he die for that sin but all your past and future sins. Jesus knew He was dying for your sins. All your sins. He bore them all and he knew that he would have to drink the cup of God’s Wrath on your behalf.
Mercy- denotes the ready inclination of God to relieve the misery of sinful man out of the goodness of his Heart. There is a general mercy to all men but a special mercy to those who were in Christ before the world began.
Goodness of God=that principle in God whereby He has a propensity to communicate Himself to the creature.
Love=Love of Benevolence, as it respects the creature is that good disposition in Gods nature to communicate of his own fullness in general; such as His knowledge,holiness and happiness.
Compassion= God’s love expressing itself to someone in a miserable condition.
So when you are in a miserable condition with your sin ever before you, feeling guilty and sense you have displeased God by your transgressions then pray as David did..
“Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.”
“Justified” in that “sentence passed upon him: ‘The sword shall never depart from thine house,’ etc. (2 Samuel 12:10–11).”
Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.
I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.
I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.
If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28
I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.
If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.
Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.
About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.
As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.
Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.
I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.
I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.
I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.
I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.
I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.
I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.
California at age 26.
I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.
One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.
By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.
I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."
So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.
After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.
I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.
I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.
I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.
The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.
About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.
I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.
Then this life changing advice came:
A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.
In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.
I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.
About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.
I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.
So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.
I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.
Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.
About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.
Then a mission trip to Croatia.
Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.
About 3 years saved now.
I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.
Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.
I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.
Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.
My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!
I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.
God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.