As he was anointed with the oil of gladness above his fellows, so doth he give of his ointments to the Bride which is joined in communion and fellowship with him. For of his fulness, does she receive, even grace for grace.The precious ointment drops from this head, unto his body, the Church, and thereby she is made all glorious she is now within by grace; and she will hereafter be glorious, both within and without with perfect glory.
- Among the benefits of this glorious Grace, wherewith the church is inwardly beautified, when the Bridegroom visits her with his spiritual ointments, this is a great one, that the heavenly oil gives light to the soul: the soul is a lamp, and with this oil is the lamp of the wife Virgins trim’d, and becomes a burning and a shining light.
They have that light from the bridegroom, by which they look out for the bridegroom. The eye salve is gotten from Christ, by which the eyes of the Church being anointed do see him, and all things that concern him. Spiritual things are spiritually to be discerned; and Christ and his spouse are one Spirit, and by that Spirit whereby she is one with Christ, doth she discern spiritual things. The husband of the Church, is the wisdom of his Father and when wisdom goes into a soul he gives wisdom to the soul. John 17:14. The Spirit by which he enters into us, takes of his, and gives it to us. Therefore as he is wisdom in himself, so is he also made wisdom to us, 1 Cor. 1:30
Christ is light and when Christ and the soul are knit together by that union with light, there is a communion of light. The wine of the Spirit is herein quite contrary to the bodily wine. The bodily wine when it inebriates, darkens the understanding, and being grosser than the soul, casts a mist upon the soul. But the spiritual wine, being purer than the soul, enlightened and clarifies her, and even then when it brings her to an ecstasy, it does it, not by the diminution, but by the excess of light.
Wherefore let the soul make special use of this precious light which shines within her, in the access of her husband, let her mark, and learn, and record the discoveries of that light; for a Spirit so enlightened will discover more than seven men upon a watchtower. There are some mysteries and secrets which your husband will whisper unto you by his spirit in the bed of love, and then let him that has an ear, hear what the Spirit says.
But if he does not speak to you, doe you speak to him; know of him those things that are needful for thee to know, and bring to his light those things that you would have truly seen and discerned. Go into this sanctuary, and there receive Oracles and Answers; for there will you find resolutions for those things that were before too high and too hard for you Ps. 73:17
And when you have truly seen them, believe them to be that which by this light you see them to be, and resolve never to believe the flesh hereafter, when the flesh will put other shapes upon them. in his light we see light (truth, knowledge of God) For darkness puts false and imaginary shapes upon things, but it is light that makes all things truly manifest.
For example, when this light shines in upon the soul, look out for your happiness; and that you may find it, set all things before this light, which are briefly these, The creator and the creature, God and the world: and having done this, you may plainly see, where is true solid and permanent felicity; and where is vanity, transitoriness and misery: And when you have seen it, know it to be the very truth which you have seen; and that which is once truth is truth for ever.
If you lack the skill of truly measuring time and eternity, so that a short life seems to you like eternity, and eternity less than a short life; When this light shines in your soul, bring the life of man and eternity together in one view before it, and you will quickly learn the art of numbering the few days of this life, and with all the days of eternity cannot be numbered. Psalm 90:12
There is not so much proportion of likeness between them, as there is between the very lowest and least point of the earth, and the circle of the uppermost sphere. And what you have now seen to be true, believe to be true ever, even when this light is so obscured, that you see not the truth of it. If you doubt which is better, the prosperity of the wicked, or the adversity of the Godly, bring them before this light, even into the sanctuary and temple of thy soul, Wherein the holy Ghost dewelleth and shineth; and there will you see that prosperity ending in a never-ending misery, and that adversity ending in a never-ending felicity.
Besides, you will see the prosperity to be but a light vanity, yet followed with a weight of misery 2 Cor 4:17 and you will see adversity to be but a light affliction, yet followed with a weight of glory. And having seen this, you may easily judge which is the better, and as hey appear now to you judgement, such let your memory present them to you forever!!!
If you are doubtful of your way, and your path seems to be covered with darkness, search you way by this light, for it shall be to you instead of a voice, saying, This is the way, walk in it. Is 30:21 When after some dark nights the soul is visited ( through the lovingkindness of her beloved) with these day springs and mornings of grace, then let her say “Cause me to see and know the way wherein I shall walk”; and then the good spirit will lead you into the land of uprightness. Follow him or die.
John 1:14; 2 Cor. 4:6 If the word written be dark to you, bring it to the light, and if it be fit for your measure, and the glory of the Lord, this light will reveal it: for the Spirit reveals the hid things of God. If the infidelity of men without you, or of you won flesh within you, cast a mist of doubts on the Gospel of Christ Jesus, with this light behold this Gospel, and you will see in it a plot of divine wisdom, and mystery of high and supernatural truth. yea you will see the face of him who is the sun of Gospell, as the face of the only begotten Son of God, full of grace and glory. For God who commanded light to shine out of darkness, has shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
It is an ancient promise, They will be all taught of God. Is. 54:13 And when will God sooner teach than when he visits a soul with his Spirit, which communicates both his light, and his love unto her? For both light and love are discoverers of secrets: light makes manifest things hidden in the darkness, and love tells councils unto the beloved. It is our Saviours own inference, I have called you friends, therefore I tell you my counsels. John 15:15
But remember that the knowledge that you learned from this teacher of hearts, be laid up by you safe, as a precious stock or treasure, and account it you best learning, which you have learned of the best Teacher. Having bought this truth sell it not; keep it, and it will keep you; When you go, your steps will not be stl.., and when you run you will not stumble; Therefore take fast hold on this instruction, let her no go, keep her, for shed is you life.
2. Secondly, These seasons of love, are seasons of prayer. If you want anything now, ask it, for in these heats of love, your husband will deny you nothing. These be the times when the spirit moves the waters; Therefore now cast in your portion, and whatsoever grief it has in it, you will be cured of it. Mat. 6:33 Now the King holds out his golden scepter, therefore let the queen come in boldly with her request, though it be for a kingdom; Yea this King likes it best, if you do first seek a kingdom: wherefore whatever you ask, be sure to ask this kingdom, yea to ask it first, and the righteousness inseparably annexed to it. Desire His rule and reign in your heart. It were a madness in you to offend him by asking a less gift, when you may please him by asking a greater, especially, since if you ask and obtain the greater, the lesser by promise is annexed to the greater.
And accordingly you may come down in your petitions, that the king of glory may be glorified, by the coming of his kingdom of grace, with the righteousness thereof, then after may you petition for daily bread to be given you. Yea, know that you are now in a high degree, the temple of the holy Ghost; and whatsoever prayer or supplication shall be made in this Temple by a man that will know the plague and grief of his own heart, He that dwells in heaven will hear the prayer made on earth, he will forgive and do according to that prayer. The Spirit of Prayer and supplication is in this temple, and he is most powerful in these seasons of love, and he who gives this spirit of prayer, will hear the prayer of the spirit which He Himself gave. For he gave this Spirit of purpose, to make those prayers in us, which himself might approve and grant.
We know not how to pray as we ought, for we are carnal, and flesh will not ask so, as it may be pleasing to a spirit. A spire loves a spiritual prayer; and therefore he gives the Spirit, that he may have that Spiritual prayer which he loves. So when he hears his spouse, he hears himself, and how can anyone deny his own holy desires and prayers? Christ and his spouse are now, (and that in a height of eminence) one Spirit. And if a man who is flesh, do not hate his own flesh, but cherishes it, surely much more assuredly the Lord who is a spirit, can not hate his own spirit, but loves and cherishes, and consequently hears it.
Thirdly, when the soul is visited by the Spirit of the Bridegroom, then set upon some good, yea upon some great work. The Spirit which we receive is a Spirit of Power, and when the Spirit flows much into us in these tides of grace, we receive much power. Now great power can do a great work, and it were both a loss and a shame to you, with a great power to do a little work, when you may do a great one.
Therefore if there be a work which before was to great and too hard for you, yet now set upon it; for when your strength is greater, you may do that work, which you could not do when you strength was less. Our Saviour says to Peter, you can not follow me yet, but you will follow me hereafter; you can not follow me yet, until your strength is greater, by a greater portion of the spirit:
But when you are more strengthened by the Spirit, then you will follow me. And accordingly he that before Christs resurrection denied Christ at the voice of the maid, after his resurrection confessed him in the face of a council; And no wonder, for it is then said of Peter, that he was filled with the holy ghost. Acts 4:8. Neither is it true of Peter alone, that a great measure of the spirit enables to a great work, but in others also. When the Spirit of the Lord comes mightily upon Sampson, he doth might works; for he breaks cords as flax, and slays thousands with a bone of an ass. And Paul being filled with the holy Ghost, worth a miracle, by which at once he confounded Elymas, and converts the Deputy. Though two talents gain but two, yet five can gain five: Therefore mark when the Spirit comes mightily upon thee, and then attempt some mighty work. aS the seaman watches the natural wind and tide, so do thou watch the wind and tide of the Spirit:
The spirit blows when he wishes, and when he wishes to blow, then set forth on some noble action: When the tide of the spirit floweth, then put thy hand to the oars, for then if you row strongly, you may advance mightily. The soul lying in flesh and blood, is like a boat on ground, all the rowing in the world will not move it, but let the tide come and set him afloat, the same tide that enables him to move, will also mightily advance the motion, which it first enabled. Wherefore if there be any virtue, or any work of excellence, not yet well done, think upon it in these times and tides of grace: now set upon them, that so you ;may go from virtue to virtue, until you be skillful, and active in all virtues: and having attained the full number of them, then strive to the fullness and perfection of degrees. on the Contrary, if you have some mighty enemy, that has been to hard for you, even some raging and wasting concupiscence, fear, distrust, or other temptation, now set upon him mightily, for now can you best see the way to conquer him, and now have you most might to effect this conquest, and to do what you see.
Having tasted this honey, thine eyes shall be opened, and your strength revived; wherefore make you now a more mighty slaughter of the enemies of God and your soul. (gain some shields!). and let your fighting be against all these enemies though chiefly against the chiefest. There are some little foxes that have strong holds, and these will ask some strength, to be rigged out and taken. Remember that your warfare is against the whole nation of the Canannites, you may not suffer a little one to live. You must strive against all sin, and strive for all righteousness; for the fruit of the Spirit is all goodness, righteousness and truth. Eph. 1:9 It is the saying of a Saint, I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me. If therefore Christ strengthens you, strive to do all things also.
Neither have you in these times, only a greater strength to encourage you to great works, but also a great joy.and indeed the joy of the Lord is our strength. The joy that is in us is a piece and pattern of the joy set before us, and by this piece of joy within us, beholding the joy set before us, we may despite the shame, and endure the cross, and run with patience the race set before us: As sure as we have this pawn, so sure shall we have the performance: and therefore we may labor comfortably in the works of doing and suffering, because our labor is not in vain in the Lord. the joy which we have excites us to labor, because as this joy is followed with labor, so shall the labor be followed with an overweighing joy: and the greater the labors are to which this joy of the spirit encourages us, the greater shall those joys be which follow these labors; for her that soweth plentifully to the spirit in labors, will reap plentifully of the spirit in the joys life everlasting.
Though no life everlasting can be longer than another, yet one life everlasting may be more joyful than another, and this greater joy shall follow those that dying in the Lord do rest from greater labors. And as the joy precedent, and the joy subsequent do encourage us to the labors of holiness, so does also the joy concomitant. The spirit thrives, grows fat, prospers and rejoices in the doing of good works, even like the might man in the running of his race. As the natural man pleaseth himself in eating and drinking, so does the spiritual man delight himself in well-doing; and it is meat and drink to an heavenly Son,m to do the will of his heavenly father.
When a thing works naturally, it works pleasantly, and it is natural to the godly nature to work godliness. 2 peter 1 Therefore by all these ways, Blessed is the people that knows the joyful sound, they will walk in the light of your contenance, o Lord Psalm 89:15. They that know the joyful sound, are blessed, and they are walkers: The joyful sound is a precedent blessedness it is, to walk in the light of God’s contenance, and the future is to walk by that light unto the countenance itself, which is perfect blessedness. The joyful sound, and the light of God’s countenance, do no allow any to take up their rest here, but they call on them to walk, eve to walk cheerfully in good duties, by these streams of blessedness, unto the ocean and fullness of blessedness. Wherefore let us make this use of the precedent, present, and following joys, even to walk and run that race of piety which is here presented/prevented with that sound, accompanied with gladness and the light of God’s contenance, and shall be followed with the never-ending fight of that countenance, and shall be followed with the never ending fight of that countenance which is the fountain of that light, and which to behold is true felicity.
4. Fourthly, in these times of plenty lay up a stock of confidence and comfort for times of scarcity. It has been told you before, and you will find it true, that the Bridegroom sometimes hides his face, and holds back his ointments, and the Spirit which blows not when he wishes, and blows not when He wishes not. Therefore go unto the ant, and learn of him in the summer of consolation, to provide for the winter of desertion. If with Thomas you have seen and felt Jesus to be Jesus in his near and palpable approaches and visitations; and have then truly called him, My Lord and my God: lay up this truth for the times of desertions, an believe that truth to be then true, when thou see not the truth to be then true, when you see not the truth of it; and that though you are changed, yet Jesus Christ is yesterday, today, and the same for ever. And for the better help of your memory, and assurance of your soul, set down upon record these testimonies and tokens of love, and seal of union which Jesus gave to your soul when he visited her in the bed of love. In an ill matter Tamar Gen. 38:25 kept a seal and a staff for the safeguard of her life: in a good matter you will much rather keep these seals for the safety of you soul
2 Pt. 1:16, 1 John 1, Romans 8:16, Gal. 4:6-7. And if your enemy, who is both a Tempter, and an accuser, and in these times of desertion does commonly tempt by accusing, do call your soul into question for her life, accusing her to be an adulteress of the flesh, and not a spouse of Christ Jesus, bring forth you seal and tokens which lay by you, and tell him, that whose these are, His you are, your well-beloved is yours, an you are His: Tell him, that you have not followed cunningly devised fables, but have been an eye-witness of Christ Jesus and His love: and what you have seen and heard, and felt, that declare and show to the face of your accuser: tell him, The spirit of Jesus has left a testimony with your Spirit, that you have been one spirit with Jesus in a heavenly marriage; and then say also, wherefore we are no more two but one Spirit; let no tempter, nor temptation put asunder, what God has put together. Thus in laying up the seals of union, you lay up a stock of confidence; and you may see Saint Paul making the same provision, and the same use of it; God hath given us the earnest of the Spirit, Therefore we are always confident! 2 Cor. 5:5.
Not only do you from these memorials gather confidence but comfort. True it is that confidence itself will bring comfort, for hope is the juice of confidence, and this juice is an especially comfort and cordial to the soul. But besides this comfort which arises from the apprehension of the things to come, you may take comfort in that which is past, and therewith refresh your soul in times of drought and weariness. By these memorials and pledges, call to remembrance his loves his sweetness, his kisses of love, His ointments. Renew the images and keep them fresh in you soul, and these will comfort you, when the things themselves are absent. It will be a pleasure to you, to taste over his loves, again and again by renewed remembrances of them. It will be a pleasure to you to repeat the pleasure your soul has enjoyed, and to say, His love was more pleasant than wine, and I ate under His shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. (God was feeding Irsael and Solomon’s wife His love through Solomon.)
You have tasted and by tasting seen that you Lord was gracious, and now see and by seeing fast how gracious you Lord was, For as tasting brought forth seeing at the the first, so now a revived seeing will also bring forth a revived tasting; each mutually begetting other. Yea, many times when you do this only by remembrance and representation of that which is past, you shall bring into you, the substance of that whose shadow you recall: And so while Jesus and his sweetness are represented to you, as they have been before seen and tasted, they will even now present themselves afresh to be tasted and seen by you, While the disciples going to Emaus talked Luke 24:15,19 of Jesus as of one that was absent, Jesus became present unto them, and then their hearts burned with an heavenly fire.
And so while you talk with your soul of Jesus, of his beauty, of his graces, of his sweetness, he will present himself to you, and you who would have accounted it a great comfort, to sit under the shadows of His remembrance, will now enjoy His recall presence, and eat of his most pleasant fruits; for when he comes, he comes with abundance of life and of consolations. Your remembrance of him, brings him into you whom you do remember, and then you need not to borrow comforts out of the stock of your former remembrances, for you have the Comforter himself to give you new comforts, and so may add them to the stock of your memorials and remembrances, for future encouragements and consolations.
Lastly, let the pieces and earnests of heavenly joys stir up your desires and affections, to the fruition of the fullness of joys; let these drops of God’s sweetness enflame your soul with a thirst and longing to enjoy God the fountain of this Sweetness. Let these kisses of Christ Jesus kindle in you such a fervent love of Christ, that your soul may pant to be united to him in a perfect and consummate marriage.
And out of the heat of these longings and enflamed desires, sen up the aspirations and breathings of your burning soul on vehement wishes, and groaning complaints: Psalm 42:2 My soul thirsts for God, when will I come and appear before God? My tears have been my meat day and night, while the flesh says to the Spirit, Where is thy God? desire to be dissolved, and to be with Christ, which is best of all, and therefore is it best of all to be with Christ. You have tried in the drops of his sweetness which you have tasted, that he is best of all, for the taste of Christ in them has distasted all the taste of the creatures. You have tasted and seen that the goodness creating is better than the goodness created; and therefore Christ is best of all. These drops of the Creator are better than all the visible creature, and he that is the fountain is better than the drops that distill from the fountain, and so he is better than the creature, and therefore is best of all: and if he be best, surely it is best for you to be with him; the enjoying of the best is the best enjoying. Therefore call unto him, O send out your light and your truth, let them lead me, let them bring me unto your holy hill: let your good spirit lead me and bring me to your blessed presence, that as I have seen you in these models, and mirrors, and earnests, so I may behold you face to face. And though your pilgrimage be prolonged, and being present in the body, you are absent from the Lord, ye derive rather to be absent from the body and present with the Lord. Accordingly let your affections be ever rowing in these streams of the Deity to the Deity Himself: by theses patterns of rich oar, having discovered a far richer mine, do not stand gazing on the patterns, nor think yourself rich enough in them, but by them be stirred up to get and possess the full riches of the Mine.
Indeed the pattern shows you the richness of the Mine, it being a part of that riches which the Mine will give you. But remember it is but a piece, and a piece cannot be equalled to the whole; for the whole has an infinite fulness of such pieces in it. And hereby there is such odds between a piece and the whole, that a piece is more valuable for being an earnest of the whole, than for his own value. It is more to be prized for that which it promises, than for that which it exhibits.
Therefore value it highly for the worth which it has in itself, but value it infinitely more highly, for that excessively exceeding weight of glory which it promises. Look upon it for the goodness that is in it, but much more on the goodness without it, which the goodness within it promises. So by looking on it, look from it, even beyond and above it; for though these earnests first do call your affections, then do they remove your affections, to that whereof they are earnests: our rest is not in them, but in Him!! that gave these earnests, who gave them for this end, that they might direct our faith and hope to him who is or rest. Wherefore as God spake to Irsrael by Moses, so speaketh He to the true Israel by these earnests, “Go forward”. Ex. 14:15
Why stand ye still gazing and resting on these earnests, when even the earnests themselves call on you to go forward? the earnests, call on you to go forward from earnest to full performances, from grace to glory, from faith to vision, from the drops of the Deity to the Deity itself, the only true rest and Sabbath of the soul. And when God says, Go forward, if any man draw back, his soul will have no pleasure in him. But of all drawing back, let us most of all beware of drawing back from God to the world. This were yet a father degree of going back from God to the world. For whereas the drawing back from God to the earnests is one degree, this going back from the earnests to the world is a second and a most fearful degree. This is a true returning from canaan to Egypt: but let us remember what the Apostle says of the right possessors of these earnests: Heb. 10:39 “We are not of them who draw back unto perdition, but of them that believe to the saving of the soul.
If we believe, we do look forward, and go forward, for faith looks not on things seen, but on things not seen, and such are the things before us; yet because the strong taste of the onions of Egypt, (even of fleshly lust) do stick still in or teeth, and often make Manna to seem but a dry meat, it is not amiss, that this word Go Forward, be often sounded in the ears of the heavenly pilgrims. These earnests are Manna, and this Manna is not such a dry meat, as the flesh would make it, for it serves to carry us unto the land of eternal felicity: it both calls upon us to go to our husband who is our happiness, and it enables us to go that journey, whereunto it calls us. Therefore let us hearken to the voice of it when it calls, because the same that calls us, doth also enable us. We have received the earnest of the Spirit, therefore are we always bold, and willing to be with the Lord, whose earnests we have received. We would put off these bodies of dust and lust, that our souls may put on Christ in a full and furtive union. Yet neither would we wholly be unclothed of our bodies, but put them off, to put off their baseness and sinfulness, and to put them on again glorious and holy. And then shall it be a fit garment for the soul in the day of her gladness, and capable with her of the consummate marriage with the King of glory. And for this marriage the Spirit and the bride say , Come: the bride says it by the Spirit, and the Spirit says it in the bride: This is the voice of the bride, and not of her tounge only, but of her Spirit; and not of her spirit only, but of the Spirit in her spirit. If then you have the same spirit of love, because you loves, do you also speak and say, come Lord Jesus, come quickly.
This is page 179-237 “Benefits of Visitations”
Page 238-256 “First sign of a true and right visitation”
Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.
I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.
I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.
If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28
I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.
If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.
Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.
About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.
As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.
Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.
I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.
I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.
I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.
I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.
I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.
I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.
California at age 26.
I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.
One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.
By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.
I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."
So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.
After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.
I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.
I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.
I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.
The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.
About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.
I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.
Then this life changing advice came:
A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.
In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.
I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.
About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.
I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.
So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.
I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.
Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.
About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.
Then a mission trip to Croatia.
Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.
About 3 years saved now.
I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.
Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.
I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.
Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.
My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!
I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.
God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.