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“Dark am I” Meditation Song of Songs 1:5

7190688_sSong of Songs” 1:5 “Dark am I, yet lovely”.  This “dark am I”  is a testimony.  A sinful woman recognizing her sin and seeing it as dark.  She see’s it as dark like the tents of Kedar.  She uses an illustration in her attempt to see her sin more clearly as evil.  She could not see her sin directly clearly but by way of the illustration of the black tents of Kedar is to transfer the idea of sin to a physical illustration.  You can think of anything dark so long as the idea of whatever you think is dark carries with it the idea of evil.  The tents of Kedar were the dwelling place of people who were evil  God hated those descendants of Ishmael.

58472409 - tourist tent sign. flat style black icon on transparent background.

So an illustration is used to communicate to our minds the greatness of our sin.  This will humble us.  How evil it really is.  How evil we think sin is will get greater.  If you can think of all your sins and your soul in one simple idea of black tents with evil dwelling in it.  Then will will understand her saying   “I am dark like the tents of Kedar”  Psalm 90:8  “You have placed our iniquities before You, Our secret sins in the light of Your presence.”

This happens as God is answering her prayer in Song 1:2-4.  She is being humbled by a love kiss.  A show of affection.  It is a show of affecting to reveal ones beauty to another.  Should the beauty of Christ be revealed to the believer some degree of their own sin or darkness is revealed to them.  There is a stark contrast between how beautiful He is in light of who I truly am.  Dark like the tents of Kedar, yet lovely in the righteousness of Christ.

young-girl-by-tree-reading-bibleAgain, In the light of God’s holiness you will see your darkness.  When God reveals Christ’s love to you then you will see your ugliness, this is the darkness that she is admitting to. The Greater view of God’s holiness you get the greater your dark sin will seem to you.  Also in like manner, when Christ reveals His Love to you over and over as in Song 1:2, you will see the holiness of God, His Moral Excellency.  Having seen His Light and Moral Excellency you will get a clearer view of how evil and dark you are.  “Dark am I” will be the language of your heart.  He who has been forgiven much loves much!!  The more you know what you have been forgiven the more you will love Luke 7:47. In the light of God’s holiness you will see your darkness.

  1. She see’s and know’s the effect this light has on her mind.  This is not something she is ignorant about.  She is ignorant about how to get close to the one she loves in Song 1:7 but here she knows something for sure.  She knows she is dark.  She see’s it.
  2. The dark is an intense dark so the darkness has degree’s.  Levels of darkness.  She was really dark.  Slave laboring for quite some time.
  3. She know the effect this light has on her emotions.
    1. She may feel hopeless if Christ’s love and forgiveness is not understood and felt.
    2. She may fear God’s wrath Rev. 1:17 or even want to push Christ away Luke 5:7
    3. She may harden her heart by suppressing the truth in unrighteousness.  Believing some lie may ease the conscience so that hopelessness will go away. and the hope will now be in doing good works to please God.  The soul can go from feeling hopeless when truth is illuminated in the mind to feeling hopeful by believing that their good works will save them.  A non-believer can’t put their hope in Christ then put their hope in works then put their hope in christ.  They just go from feeling hopeless because they can’t see Christ, to feeling hopeful can they now further deceived believe that their works will save them.  The heart got harder after seeing it’s true darkness and evil.  I suppose their to be other lies that could be believed in order to a hardening of the heart but I just can’t think of them now.
    4. 12992524_sThen the good works are done out of fear of punishment and not love to God.  Since they had no hope they feared the punishment of God.  No hope of forgiveness in a surety even though Jesus said “it was finished”  The debt paid for and His love on Display clearly for all to see and read and understand that we deserved punishment from God so out of fear of God punishing them they do more outward good works thinking their good works will please God.  When they should have understood Christ died for your sins and there is hope for those who fear the wrath of God.  Understand that Jesus demonstrated His love to us by feeling the wrath of God for us.  The believer will see their darkness and know they deserved wrath, they will feel sorrow, grief and guilt.  This is good but now that you saw and felt your darkness now look to Jesus who paid the penalty for you being guilty.  He suffered the wrath of God that you feel when you see your darkness.  He took the darkness upon Himself and God turned His Back on Jesus and He cried “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”.  Our darkness was imputed to Jesus Christ and the whole world was dark for 3 hours while the Wrath of God was poured out on Jesus.  Jesus felt the Wrath of God on your behalf to demonstrate His love to you.  You see He loves you and paid the price for you to be brought back to a living by enjoying God and glorifying Him forever!
  4. Some light in the mind is needed to see your darkness. “I once was blind but now I see” my darkness and sin.  I see that I have offended God and that He is angry with me.  “Dark am I”
  5. Tents of Kedar also had descendants of Ismael living in them intimating that her soul is the dwelling place of sin.  A person under the curse and wrath of God. 1 Chr. 1:29
  6. Since she was in forced labor 1 Kings 9:20-21 and her parents were enemies of David and God.  This makes her a natural born enemy of God and therefore born dark.  She is just confessing it now with heartfelt sorrow.
  7. Be convicted that you are a sinner, fully convinced of your guilt, in offending and affronted so Great a God, who hates sin and the sinner that continues in sin Ps. 5:5. Seeing your sin ever before you will bring to light the Justice of God and it being right Ps. 51:4 if he were to send you to Hell. Basically all of Psalm 51 will become your prayer as well.  It is good to go to this Psalm when confessing your sin to God.
  8. Be convinced of All your sins from birth to now, sins of commission sin of omission, sins of the heart and sins of word, in life and body.  Your darkness reside in your flesh, the unredeemed part of you.  Not your physical body but your soul is dark.  that part of you is sinful and corrupted through and through Gen. 6:5 , out of this evil heart comes your sins Matt 15:19.
  9. The soul is “undone” Is 6:5. Not function properly.  Not holy. Dark from birth.  All faculties of the soul are corrupted, the mind, understanding, knowledge.  The will, how we choose, what we feel, our longings and desires are all corrupted, diseased and leaprous.
  10. Be convinced a spiritual sins.  This are sins that the Saints are commanded to do in Scripture.  Like evangelism, “Go and make disciples”  Jesus said.   So do you feel guilty that you haven’t shared Jesus lately?  Feel the guilt, know you deserve punishment, look to the cross where Jesus Christ took your punishment, see the love, feel the guilt, let the grief flow, weep mourn and wail” James says.  This is your dark tent!!  The dark tent of your soul should get darker and darker the longer you practice putting all those thoughts of sin, guilt, evil, feeling undone, wretched man that you are, shameful dark thoughts all in the idea of a “dark tent” or and your skin getting darker because The Son of God shone Light into your mind.  The knowledge of Himself communicated to your mind will allow you to see yourself for who you are. And then Christ and His Love and Grace satisfying the desire of your soul to be forgiven and not shameful and clothed in His Righteousness given to you will allow you to see yourself as “lovely” Song 1:5.
  11. Truth is known when darkness is revealed.  The Spirit of Truth, the Holy Spirit reveals these things to you.  Truth about God and truth about yourself.  “Dark am I …like the dark tents of Kedar” Song 1:5-6 and my skin ever getting darker from the sun.”  As I work my soul gets harder hardened by the Fiery Wrath of God through His Son/sun. If saved you were in forced labor for the profit of the devil.

There are a few different ways in which this darkness is revealed to persons

  1. 7190688_sThe darkness revealed to the continually growing believers.  This darkness is revealed to believers in order to humble them.  Humility defined is “a right view of yourself in relation to God with the proper heart response” Jonathan Edwards.  So when Christ Love is revealed to you and you see yourself more evil and dark then before then you are having a right view of yourself.  Not perfectly knowing how sinful you are but you see yourself worse than before.  How much you have sinned and the greatness of how bad your sin is will become clearer to the believer thus humbling them. All this darkness gets darker as you mature and see God’s holiness better.  Not that the dark gets darker in a way that you sin more but you will see it darker.  It’s not that your sinning more, God is just revealing more of your sin to you if you are a growing believer.  You will see yourself more miserable.  Dark. Darker and darker still.  Your laboring apart from Christ is meaningless work.  Here is the darkness revealed to the growing believers.
  2. hanged and then fell lieThe darkness revealed to non-believers.  Pharaoh, Saul and Judas.  All said “I have sinned”  they saw they were dark.  They saw their sin.  Even acknowledged it, but went to Hell.  Pharaoh’s heart was hardened.  Saul was unrepentant and Judas hung himself and then went to a fiery place reserved just for him.  When darkness is revealed to a non-believer without hope then despair and suicide will ensue.  Some feeling of hopelessness will arise.  Sometimes to the point that there is no reason to live.  This is a stark contrast to the believer that see’s his sin.  A believer has hope in Christ therefore no or lessening feelings of hopelessness.  The non-believer going to church will often feel condemnation and have no clue how to go to Christ to feel forgiveness.  They are powerless apart from God’s Spirit working in them to quicken their dead dark hearts.  This is the darkness revealed to non-believers.
  3. 2853097 - silhouette of a parent opening his arms to a child running toward himLastly the darkness of the soul revealed to the believer continuing in sin.  This darkness is similar to the darkness revealed to the non-believer in the fact that it causes deepening feelings of hopelessness for a time.  The main difference is that eventually the continuing in known sin believer will eventually be humbled by their sin and then see their sin like a growing believer.  A non-believer never see’s their sin the same way a growing believer does.  So a continuing sinful believer will eventually see their sin the same way a more steadfast continuing believer will.  God is humbling the continuing in sin believer and He is also humbling the growing believer.  The humbling of the believer leads to more joyful communion with God, but the humbling of the believer continuing is known sin will feel weaker and weaker still and sinning worse and confessing less and less overall Christian duties will start to weaken like the church that lost their first love Rev. 2:4 and Song 3:1.  And the prodigal son eventually came back.  This is the darkness of the soul revealed to the believer continuing in sin.

Other views of this text

Some think that they look askance at her, or with indignation at the boldness of her words; but that is quite unnecessary, and would be inconsistent with the dignity of the bride.

Spence-Jones, H. D. M. (Ed.). (1909). Song of Solomon (p. 3). London; New York: Funk & Wagnalls Company.

 

Some continuing thoughts

28102961_sGreater feelings of hopelessness may arise from seeing your darkness.  Your dark tent of kedar is really dark, more dark than you think.  God just won’t let you know how Beautiful His Light is all at once in a perfect sense, this will happen in Heaven.  But here darkness of mind, death of the soul, and sin are all part of our unredeemed flesh. True Light increases in the soul and you see your darkness clearer.  Fear of being punished by God may arise and further understand of Christ’s love for us at the cross will be needed to cast out this fear of punishment.  Thus the fearless mare compliment of Song 1:9

Light is more knowledge of God.  Light or more light is when you gain more knowledge of Jesus.  More knowledge of His will.  More knowledge of His love.  So Light reveals things to our mind previously not known.  In degree of the knowledge of the same, like God’s holiness and our sinfulness.  But maybe a promise was better understood.  A lie of the devil combatted.  Fasting learned.  Better ways to pray.  These are other categories of knowledge so when you grow in this knowledge it is a growing in another kind of things not yet known.  You are learning how to pray God’s will not your own.  You are learning that God looks at your heart with eyes like blazing fire so you know you need to get your motives right.  You see the selfishness and pride and guilt arises and tears start to flow.  Psalm 34:18 ” The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.  Saves those who are crushed in Spirit Be of good cheer, rejoice for this is how light shines in the darkness and cleans the filth of our hearts.

As life goes on your working with less resources to get the same feeling, getting harder and harder to get what you want, your hearts desire stays unfulfilled, further deceived

No goodness at all mixed with the bad, all is dark, and altogether corrupt, not altogether lovely.

We behold the beauty of Christ ps. 27:4  and thats on the only thing we desire.

Seeing this darkness is in the Babe phase of the Song.  Yet the child still see’s his darkness as well and so does the young man, but the Strong Young man really does humble himself really low after so long of praises from Christ.  Here are the phases of Christian Growth from the lowest to the highest attainable level of sanctification here on earth!!

 

I am black all the days of the week and comely on the Sabbath

I am black all the days of the year, and comely on Yom Kippur

I am black in this world, and comely in the world to come.

I am black from the torturous tribulations of the exile, but comely at the prospect of redemption and resumed service of God.

I am black from the lime points in Egypt, but comely with the blood of the Pascal offering and blood of circumcision.

I am black with the stigma of the generous offerings of the people to build the Golden Calf, but comely at their generosity in constructing the tabernacle.

Shir Hashirim, Song of Songs, Artscroll Series

Instructions

1:5 “dark”

Learn what true repentance is.  The nature of true repentance by Thomas Manton

Resources for further understanding of your darkness, sin and flesh.

Phil Johnson  sermon on Ten Commandments

Ralph Venning “Sinfulness of Sin”

Romans 3:10-18

Jonathan Edwards on Original Sin.

 

Seeing this darkness is in the Babe phase of the Christian life.

The bride wants to go from slavery outside Solomons kingdom to sharing in their inheritance.

Col. 1:12  who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.13 For You rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of Your beloved Son

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Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.

I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.

I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.

If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28

I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.

If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.

16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.

Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.

About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.

As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.

Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.

I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.

I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.

I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.

I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.

I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.

I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.

California at age 26.

I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.

One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.

By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.

I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."

So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.

After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.

I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.

I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.

I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.

The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.

About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.

I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.

Then this life changing advice came:

A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.

In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.

I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.

About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.

I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.

So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.

I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.

Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.

About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.

Then a mission trip to Croatia.

Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.

About 3 years saved now.

I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.

Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.

I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.

Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.

My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!

I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.

God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.

3 thoughts on ““Dark am I” Meditation Song of Songs 1:5 Leave a comment

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