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Can’t find Jesus?

Can’t find Jesus?  Hold Him tight!  The bride learned her lesson.  We should follow her example and hold tight to the one our heart has a burning fire for.

Let me tell you her lesson she needed to learn right off the bat.  She needed to learn that even though God is gracious, the spiritual blessings of Christ presence will not just happen.  I can’t just lay around and hope for God to reveal Jesus to me, I have to get up and do whatever it takes on my part to clean up my heart so as to be able to handle a greater revelation without getting prideful or fearful of punishment.  Our bride is in spiritual slumber and gets awakened.   Its as if God desired her to rise up and find her beloved and here in Song 3:2  She resolves to get up “now” and “search”.  And she did get up and search and verse 2 says “she did not find him”  What a sad situation.  This seems to me to be possibly the worst part of the Song.  She is apart from the one she loves, she is looking for him but can’t find him.  You could be either real discouraged by now, because you have done all you thought to get Jesus back in your life and heart but nothing is working.


Its because there are sometimes where its best to get help from a believer more mature than you to help you out.  Or learn more from the Scriptures.  Remember the bride did all she knew, but that wasn’t enough,  It wasn’t until she got advise from the Prophets or Watchmen that she found the one her heart desired so much.  Her flame never went out, in the darkest of times she did whatever it took to find him!!  Isn’t this great love!!  What a blazing fire is here for us on display!!  She is on fire for God and on fire to be near her husband no matter what it takes!!

“All night long on my bed
    I looked for the one my heart loves;
    I looked for him but did not find him.
I will get up now and go about the city,
    through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
    So I looked for him but did not find him.”  Solomon’s Song of Songs 3:1-3


You know what its like to have the assurance of your salvation and to talk/commune with God through out the day.  And now have lost your assurance of salvation and fear the wrath of God because when you felt guilty the devil made you think that you deserve God’s wrath and that He is Angry with you.   Yes, you do deserve God’s Wrath and you are guilty but Christ felt God’s full Wrath on the cross on my behalf.  What was mine became His and His righteousness became mine.

She can’t find him/Him but I tell you what, she sure does have a fire in her soul as she’s looking for him/Him.   She wants him near.  She looked everywhere.  And yes we may have discouragements and be looking for Jesus and thinking we are repentant when we aren’t.  Humbly Obeying all His Commands as best you can, looking to the cross as soon as you sin and moving forward is the fastest way to find Jesus.

Repent now and give you life to Jesus and he will come dwell with you in peace and rest.

The bride in her desire for comfort and feeling safe (from the wrath of God due to her sin) like being at her mother’s house.  Song 3:4  She doesn’t rest from her search until they both are at her mothers house together because she held him tight.  Where she holds and keeps the one she loves close to her where she is holy, happy, safe from the Wrath of God for our sins.

In the previous verse she was in bliss.  “He was hers, and she was his.”   She was engaged to the greatest husband alive.  They were the perfect match to illustrate God’s Love, the Flame of the LORD” in marriage.

Your Christian life was moving forward.  You get lazy, you get confident in yourself,  your self-righteous.


For whatever reason it feels like God/Jesus is gone.   Your like a bride without a groom.

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It feels like he has turned His back on you.  Trials overwhelm you.  You tend to have no power over certain sins.  This is the night long in your spiritual slumber.  When you look, search, look some more and don’t find Jesus, comfort or joy.

Whatever it is your looking for the point is that your in the context of

“Seeking and not finding what your looking for”

You can relate to this passage because distress and trouble is overwhelming you.

when distress and trouble overwhelm you.

28 “Then they will call to me but I will not answer;
    they will look for me but will not find me,
29 since they hated knowledge
    and did not choose to fear the Lord.

Your prayers aren’t being answered and joy and delight in the things of God has turned to the worst.  No joy in reading your bible and your prayer life seems non-existent.  This is a dark time, a poor condition of the soul.  The soul sleeping as it were.

The bride in the Song of Songs was in a similar context in Song 3:1-5.  She was just engaged to Solomon.  He was hers!!  She would have the greatest husband ever alive to be hers.  His unmeasurable wisdom would be hers in his leadership over her and shepherding of her heart.  She would be queen and inherit Israel.  Then she started to think that Solomon would be around each night.  For she looked for him in the night but he wasn’t there.  She expected to have joy and delight in Jesus as she lay around in her bed not getting up and doing something about it.  Til she follows the advice of Scriptures, watchmen or prophets.  And stayed tight in following the Scriptures an soon after you will feel joy, delight, comfort and safe, like your at home where your mother conceived you.

The watchmen found me
    as they made their rounds in the city.
    “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”
Scarcely had I passed them
    when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go
    till I had brought him to my mother’s house,
    to the room of the one who conceived me.  Song of Songs 3:1-4

then in Song 3:5 comes the 2nd warning after the same context.

“Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
    by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
    until it so desires.”

Meaning the first command came in Song 2:7 immediately after they were together and she was faint with love in his arms for the first time,

She loses him and that love and feeling in Song 3:1 because she needed to learn a lesson.

She learns to hang on to him tight.  To not believe lies , but obey Jesus.  She learns to balance her emotions and thoughts.   “Dark am I, yet lovely in Christ!”


Dont break them up until she desires.  or fails to desire him that intensely.  High religious emotions don’t stay high when desire is low.  When she fails to desire him then try to arouse her love  as it looks they did in Song 5:9 when she was lost and couldn’t find him.  In this context they are together at high emotional times in the relationship.  And then the warning to the “Daughters of Jerusalem” to not arouse or awaken her love until she pleases.

Well in Song 5:2-9  the bride doesn’t do the good she knows she ought to do in the relationship and the two are separated by her sin.  She looks for him and doesn’t find him.  She goes through great difficulties trying to get him back.  Remembers why her husband was above all others and then is humbled and fruitful.

The Daughters of Jerusalem see the bride desperately desiring her husband who was chief among ten thousand  in Song 5:8-10

The daughters of Jerusalem help put her back in place so to speak by helping her to remind herself why her husband was above all others in order for her to find him.

She was looking for him.  She desired the holy daughters of Jerusalem to let Solomon know she is looking for him if they found him.  Tell him she is sick with love.

Love desires the strictest union with the object of its affection.

Felt separation at a time of deep desire is painful this is when she felt lovesick! 5:8

She was not united to him.  Or at least it didn’t feel like they were one or together for she was searching for him.  Last time the Scriptures helped her out and this time the “daughters of Jerusalem” help her out and after her describing Solomon her beloved and friend in the most glorious of terms then the daughters ask her where did he go and then she knows when he went.  She needed to be fruitful and obedient quicker and suffer a little more self denial as she had high thoughts of him.

As loves flame of the LORD gets hotter and brighter so also did her desire for him grow and prove itself by doing whatever it took to find him/Him.  God’s will for her is to be near her husband.  Growing in the Knowledge of who she is in Solomon.  In union with him, what is now hers?  The Kingdom of God, and kingdom of God, in Jerusalem.   I wanted to say so much more and encourage you to learn more about Jesus everyday and see Him more and more beautiful!!  But I’m tired,  I pray God blesses you abundantly with greater and greater revelations of Christ to your heart!!

  1. Knowing the person gives certainty and assurance of God’s love to you.  Knowing you are united, one or married to the one God loves gives you assurance that God loves you.  Assurance is a fruit of the knowledge of her union with God’s beloved son.  Doubting his love to her, she lets him out of her sight and is not holding communion with him in love, therefore the bride thinks she has lost the one her heart loves because doubting his/His love for her in the night when she didn’t feel his love or him there.  Song 3:1  The certainty of your union with God depends upon wether or not He has a special love for you in Christ.  This Love desires union and oneness.  God as Jesus does for Jesus only does as the Father see’s, God desires union with the ones he loves.  He loved believers from Eternity past.  This Love compels Him to work all things together for that strictest union in love.  Jesu prayed in John 17  “May they be one as we are one.”  Love desires oneness with the ones they love.  Love desires and gets a stricter and stricter union with the object of its affection. 1:2-4 with 8:5-7  She loves God for her love game from the LORD 8:6.  Her love on her heart is something of God 1 Peter 1:4.  And out of her love to God she loves her husband.  She enjoys a stricter union with God and husband as her love for God grows.  His calling her by his/Name is irresistible due to his/His character and most delightful love.

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Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.

I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.

I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.

If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28

I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.

If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.

16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.

Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.

About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.

As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.

Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.

I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.

I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.

I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.

I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.

I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.

I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.

California at age 26.

I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.

One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.

By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.

I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."

So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.

After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.

I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.

I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.

I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.

The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.

About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.

I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.

Then this life changing advice came:

A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.

In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.

I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.

About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.

I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.

So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.

I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.

Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.

About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.

Then a mission trip to Croatia.

Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.

About 3 years saved now.

I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.

Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.

I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.

Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.

My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!

I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.

God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.

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