In Tirza’s progress 1 we saw Black repent and become Tirza as Mother Christiana told her the Gospel and all the saints and angels rejoiced as they watched Blacky repent! Then Mother Christiana gave Baby Tirza some instruction. Now for part 2
Baby Tirza following instruction
Baby Tirza woke up the next morning thirsting for the Word of God as baby christians are so often apt to do so that they may grow. This is what a baby Christian wants in order to grow. 1 Peter 2:2 “like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation” As Tirza read her Book it would feel quite good to learn about Her Savior, King and Husband and it would revive her lifeless heart, make her wiser, give light to her doves eyes, rejoice her heart and restore her soul.
As Tirza read her Bible she would often get convictions, strong convictions that things she said offended her Lover. Tirza would confess to God what the Bible said about her sin. “I said bad things, your Word says that you hate bad words, I know I deserve punishment for saying bad words, I feel guilty and I am sorry, please forgive me according to the greatness of you Love and Grace. Please be merciful and don’t treat me as my sins deserve. I believe Jesus Christ was treated as my sins deserve and You punished Him on my behalf. Thank you Jesus!!”
She repeated this reading her Bible and confessing often because there was so much to clean up in her life. But she drank it up like there was no tomorrow, redeeming her time because the days are evil. Not only words she said, but places she went offended her King. Tirza looked forward to the day when her Lover would be crowned King of every area of her life. (Song 3:11)
There where a group of friends she used to hang out with and go places but now she found no pleasure in doing those sinful things. They would often swear, lie, gossip and slander. They would say and do many sinful things but Tirza was learning in her Bible that she should not hang around these people because they caused her to disobey her King and Savior. Tirza lost many friends but that really didn’t bother her because she was pleasing her Lord. Rather the words Tirza used would be edifying and encouraging. Though many people didn’t care she often spoke of things she read in the Bible.
Movies, tv shows, music and things she did on the computer all changed to using them for the right reason and not sinful reasons. Bad movies made her light inside go dim and tv shows she used to watch seemed like a waist of time so she read her Bible instead. The music she had changed to Worship songs and she used her time on the computer to share God’s word, rather than glorify herself.
Tirza began to learn that certain verses would help her, most things she didn’t understand because she was learning but the things she knew she ought to do she did them. James 4:17
She would also get conviction of sin. Sin is anything we think say, do or feel that is inconsistent with the revealed will of God in Scripture. Tirza read her book and got to thinking she needed to find a church that taught truth so she could grow plus she wanted to worship with other believers. Whitey helped your out with this because many churched did not teach what the Bible teaches and Whitey wanted baby Tirza to grow.
She found a church that taught truths consistent with what she was reading in her Bible and there she found some other Christians that would help her in her Journey, but she would always go back to the Bible and see if what they said was true and pray about it. In this way of learning and obeying Baby Tirza began to grow. She was getting her doctrine right and obeying. She grew closer and closer to the One who died for her and it felt good to obey Him. She rode her horse everywhere she went. Remember “Barloc” meaning “strong warrior filled with love and hope.” until….
Tirza takes her doves eyes off of the Love of Christ at the cross.
One day while going through the ten commandments and thinking on the holiness of God, yet forgetting to look to the love of Christ, Tirza saw only her sin and the punishment she deserved so she feared for her salvation. Tirza saw so much of her sin and the punishment it deserved that she got afraid for her doves eyes had turned away from Christ and all she saw was her sin and darkness. Barloc stopped and she could no longer see because the light go so dim in the night that she was stumbling everywhere in sin. She feared the Great King would punish her forever. Blacky looked at her dress and all she saw were black spots. The breastplate of righteousness was falling of and she couldn’t keep her gospel shoes on. The jewels didn’t shine as bright and her teeth were dirty and uneven. And her belt of Truth had fallen off. Surely the King would be offended if she showed up to the wedding feast at His Holy and Pure Kingdom looking like that. And Barloc had stopped moving forward and sat there trembling with servile fear. And on top of all that she started to smell again.
Feeling separated, abandoned, lost or despised.
Blacky felt painfully separated from the One her heart loves. This feeling hung around longer than she would have liked. “My God my God why have you forsaken me” Blacky was scared, afraid and did not know what to do. She kept thinking of her Holy King in whom there was no flaw and who’s eyes where to pure to look upon evil with approval. Blacky saw even more of her sin as she thought of how majestic and holy the Great King was. Blacky felt hopeless with her doves eyes off the King and having Barloc in a fearful frame of heart and her light not shining. This wasn’t going to get her anywhere. Though Blacky did not know it, she was in battle with the enemy forces and they were winning. They mocked her saying “Your lover has left you, He has forsaken you, you sinner, there is no hope for you, you are dark, you better do good so He can forgive you, you must earn His grace.” These where only partial lies. But Tiza was learning. All believers must go through this, but may it never be intentional! Never intentionally take your eyes off of Him whom your soul loves.
Blacky felt lost, separated from the one her heart loves, she went back to her old life. There was some pleasure there but something felt not so right. Blacky felt more and more miserable and guilty and even scared again that the Great King would punish her for her disobedience so she would even work harder to earn His forgiveness. This only made things worse. She would read her Bible but she could not understand it so well in the darkness without the light of her lamp shining bright. She felt more like she was being despised by her lover and treated more like an enemy rather than one in whom He loves. She felt like He was treating her like a prostitute who continues in sin. This feeling got so unbearable and yearning for her Lover Blacky cried out in great earnestness:
The Felt Separation Gets to Unbearable
“Tell me you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday, why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends” Song 1:7
The Lover of her soul answered Blacky in the sweetest most compassionate and loving voice, intending to encourage her He said:
“If you do not know most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep and rest your young goats by the tents of the Shepherds.” Song 1:8
Though His words were sweet, and there was no direct rebuke, they cut to her heart and Blacky began to weep as she fixed her doves eyes back on the cross she remembered what Whitey had said. Get your doctrine right and obey. Tirza had falling back into thinking salvation comes by obeying the Law like the Galatians did.
Blacky Confesses Her Sin
Blacky confessed, “Dark am I like the tents of kedar, oh so dark am I, do not stare at me because I am dark, I have sinned, I took my eyes off of You and fell back into my old way of sinful thinking and living. I was living under false teachings in slavery before then I was born again and now I fell back into trying to earn my lovers grace by doing good. You are right when you judge and I deserve worse please forgive me because my sin was placed on You at the cross. It hurts me to say this but I know you love me but “I have been crucified with you; and it is no longer I who live, but you who lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in You, who loved me and gave Yourself up for me.” Gal. 2:20 Dark am I, yet lovely in You. I am not your enemy, but we are at peace and I am sorry I was living against you. Please renew a steadfast spirit within me because of what Christ did for me at the cross.
Tirza stood up, mounted Barloc and he started running like the battle horse he was, her belt was strapped on tight, her breastplate of righteousness in Christ was on and her Gospel feet of peace where ready for battle. Her wedding dress lost some spots and her teeth were clean. The jewels started sparkling again and her perfume spread its fragrance. Tirza’s love grew through this experience because she did not want to offend the one her heart loves and she didn’t like the feeling of her sin separating her from Him.
Question for Further Understanding and Growth
- What did Tirza often do?
- What are some things she changed?
- What are some things we need to repent of?
- What is the difference between repentance and confession?
- What Got Tirza off track?
- How did she feel when she was separated?
- What was the first thing she did to get back to the one her heart loves?
- What kind of words did Christ use?
- Why would He use sweet endearing words?
- What was the instruction He gave her?
- Why was her name changed back to Blacky?
- When did she get the name Tirza back?
- Though she lost her name did she lose her salvation?
- What false Doctrine/doctrines did she fall into?
- What lies did she believe?
- What truths should she have kept in mind?
- When did she lose her belt of truth?
- When should we remember the cross?
- How can we make sure we keep our eyes on Jesus all the time?
- Why does a newborn babe in Christ do this?
- In my understanding, why doesn’t she have
- The helmet of salvation yet nor
- She is saved, but will doubt it sometimes like “doubting castle” in Pilgrims progress. She can’t lose her salvation.
- The sword of the Spirit
- I believe the Sword is her abiding. Though the Word is in her and won’t leave, it is not abiding yet till she is a Strong Young Woman
- Although she has faith as a gift from God for salvation, she is not experienced with it. I may go back and give her a helmet, shield and sword but she won’t see or know she has them very well.
- The helmet of salvation yet nor
- Why do you think absence makes the heart grow fonder?
More thoughts as I wrote
Satan told her lies and she believed them. He told her that she was a sinner and deserved death and that the Great King would punish her for her sin in an effort to get her mind off the cross. Tirza believed this lie and she acted like Blacky again. Having her doves eyes off her Savior and off the Love of Christ and afraid of punishment from the Great King blacky began to try to earn God’s favor and forgiveness by doing good things rather than looking to Christ for forgiveness. The Babe in Christ will do this often. Blacky’s sinful thinking was that of “If I do this or that then the Great King will not be mad at me anymore” “I can earn His favor and not be punished if only I do my best to please Him” With her eyes off of Christ and the Gospel, she fell back into works salvation thinking. Or sanctification, meaning becoming more like Christ by trying to earn God’s favor rather than beholding His Glory or love in order for transformation 2 Cor. 3:18. The baby Christian is tossed like a wave between these one True Doctrine of Salvation and the False Doctrine of works salvation. Baby Tirza needs to learn obedience by faith and love not works. She can do this by daily reminding herself “Dark am I, yet lovely”. You see her eyes got focused on the black spots on her dress without beholding the loveliness of Christ’s righteousness credited to her account. Had she put on this breastplate of righteousness this armor would have reflected the lying flaming dart of the evil one that told her she must earn God’s favor and she believed it. Doubted the Love of Christ or the Sufficiency of It to cleanse her.
Either way her breastplate was not on and neither was her belt of Truth. She believed a lie and not the truth, so she feared the Wrath of God, rather than trust the Love of Christ.
Understanding Christ’s love to her at a greater degree than before is needed in order for Blacky to not be afraid of the Wrath of God because she saw Him greater and her own sin worse. God then in order to comfort the soul reveals His Love, higher, deeper, wider and longer to her. His Lover is experienced to a greater degree. “He who has been forgiven much loves much” This greater revelation of the Love of God in Christ’s dying for her sins at the cross will ignite the flame back in her. She will trust the promises of God that God made “Jesus who knew no sin to be sin for us that we might become the righteousness of God in Him” Do you see how the meditation “Dark am I, yet lovely” fits into 2 Cor. 5:21 We are dark with sin, but God made Jesus who knew no darkness to take our darkness upon Himself and the whole world went dark for 3 hours while the Wrath of God was poured out on Christ till He said “it is finished” then our darkness was taken away and we are dark but the punishment was paid for so there is no reason to fear the Wrath of God because Christ felt it for us. Yes, after Tirza had a greater revelation of Christ’s awful majesty she should have looked to the cross and seen the Love of Christ with her doves eyes then Barloc would not have become afraid with a servile fear.
Both John in Revelation and Peter when they caught all those fish.
- First Peter “And they came and filled both of the boats, so that they began to sink. 8 But when Simon Peter saw that, he fell down at Jesus’ feet, saying, “Go away from me Lord, for I am a sinful man!” 9 For amazement had seized him and all his companions because of the catch of fish which they had taken” Why would anyone want to tell Jesus to “Go away from me” no, no, no Come lord Jesus Come to me!! Peter saw the Glory of Christ, that He was God. This is good very good to see the Glory of Christ. Moses, “show me your Glory” yet when we see this Glory of Christ, particularly His Glory as God to a greater degree than before and our eyes are not on our loveliness in Christ then we will feel as if God should rightly judge us. And He should rightly send us to the lake of fire forever, but at the same time we see that we deserve Hell we need to see a greater amount of Love and Grace in Christ so that we don’t fear the wrath of God. This greater knowledge of the Love of God is seen in how Jesus comforted John when He feared the Wrath of God after a greater revelation of Christ in the Book of Revelation.
- John in the book of Revelation. John in Rev. 1:12- if there is anything I am all about in this world it is about experiencing heaven on earth!! And when we experience the Love of God in Christ to greater and greater degree’s of Glory then we get a grasp of how high, deep, long and wide is the Love of Christ! The proper meditation of “Dark am I, yet lovely” will allow you to do both see yourself darker and more evil than before, apart from Christ, but “The Lord our Righteousness” is our righteousness, I don’t have to do good works to earn God’s favor when He displays His displeasure for my sin, because Christ paid the punishment for me and gave me His Righteousness so Christ earned God’s favor toward me and intercedes on my behalf before the throne of God. “Lord draw me closer not because of what I have done but because Christ has purchased it for me. Dark am I, yes I deserve your Wrath, but you poured it out on Christ (this is both salvation and sanctification by faith) and He lived a perfect life so that His perfect record of Good Works could be imputed to my account as if I did them. “Dark am I, yet lovely”
Now you see how the right meditation will lead her to union and communion with the One her heart loves. They are separated in Song 1:2-8 and then enjoy communion one with another in love starting in 1:9 and if possible the meditation is carried on to Song 2:5-6 where she faints because her body will not be able to handle such great love being poured out! Yet she will be held in His embrace.
Getting back to the context. The context of Song 1:7-8 which is our focus in this post is that Tirza is feeling separated from God yet yearning for His Presence. We know this by Song 1:2 She says “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for you love is more delightful than wine.” She wants to be shown affection and love from the King over and over again because His love is more delightful than wine. You see Tirza took her doves eyes off the Love of Christ therefore acting like Blacky did before she was saved.
The Height of God’s love. So to experience the Love of Christ, to have it shed abroad in her heart so she can understand it and experience it to greater heights because now she say the Love of Christ higher because she saw her sin worse.
And then you see the depth of Love because Christ lowered himself, humbled Himself to the point of death on a cross for worthless, wretched sinners!! Oh, what Grace is on display here!! So now you see the height and also the depth of the love of Christ, now lets look at the width or breadth.
Though if you were truly beholding the beauty of the Lord then you will see no end to either direction or aspect of His love! When in this light you see light. The truth is if you get a grasp of the infinite Love of Christ you should get some idea that it is and goes forever in all directions. Here you can drink your fill! Christ your Heavenly Husband says drink your fill. Take as much as you want and be fully satisfied in me. Glorify me by enjoying me forever!! Feast off the Lamb of God, He who eats my flesh and drinks my blood with a larger heart than before will “be being filled” Ephesians, like the Psalmist said “enlarge my heart” the heart gets enlarged. How? Through the proper meditation on “Dark am I, yet lovely” So darker gets darker as we draw nearer and so also lovely gets lovelier as we get closer and closer to a more strict union with the one we Love, it will happen to greater depths, heights, breadths and to all eternity because Jesus prayed in John 17 “Let them be one as we are one” God the Father see’s us as if we are One as they are One. Though we do not become infinite like the Father but the Father see’s us as having the strictest union because our Love will grow forever to all eternity and also our love will grow in intensity because of the infinite magnitude of God or His the Immensity of His Love. “Let them be one”
God in seeking his glory seeks the good of his creatures, because the emanation of his glory . . . implies the . . . happiness of his creatures. And in communicating his fullness for them, he does it for himself, because their good, which he seeks, is so much in union and communion with himself. God is their good. Their excellency and happiness is nothing but the emanation and expression of God’s glory. God, in seeking their glory and happiness, seeks himself, and in seeking himself, i.e. himself diffused . . . he seeks their glory and happiness.
Thus it is easy to conceive how God should seek the good of the creature . . . even his happiness, from a supreme regard to himself; as his happiness arises from . . . the creature’s exercising a supreme regard to God . . . in beholding God’s glory, in esteeming and loving it, and rejoicing in it.
God’s respect to the creature’s good, and his respect to himself, is not a divided respect; but both are united in one, as the happiness of the creature aimed at is happiness in union with himself.
We are His body the bride of Christ. Let them be one flesh. Let them be one. Union and Communion in Love, Christ loves the Church, to prove His Love to sinful man He died for Her and then beautifies her through sanctification and presents her Blameless to Himself. He does it for His Glory, presents them blameless to Himself. At the same time it is for our greatest good to be presented blameless and without flaw to the One we Love. What bride does not want to look as perfect as possible on her wedding day? Adorn yourself with precious Jewels of Love and faithfulness and put your armor on there is a battle out there and you are carrying a banner with love on it!
Although this is a crafty ploy by Satan and His demons God will work it for Tirza’s growth in Love to Himself. In two or more ways.
- It does not feel good right now for Tirza who is now acting like Blacky trying to earn God’s favor. Tirza will learn from this that she needs to keep her doves eyes on the love of Christ and that it is not by works that she earns God’s favor but by Christ’s righteousness credited to her account is the only reason God will show her any special favor and in His timing.
- I say special favor because Blacky is not feeling forgiven now, she is feeling guilty and see’s only her sin and punishment she deserves for it. Only by a special grace from God through Christ will she get back to joyful communion with Christ. Although is is love from God to discipline her in this way, it is not pleasurable but will produce holiness in her. Hebrews 12.
- It is a spiritual battle and this is how she trains her spiritual senses to work properly in the Battle.
Lessons Tirza needs to learn as a babe to become a Child with assurance of salvation knowing that her sins were forgiven for His Names sake. 1 John 2:12, therefore not being tossed to and fro anymore between False Doctrines of Works verses Salvation by faith alone, in Christ alone, by grace alone which are all gifts of God lest anyone should boast in themselves but in Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior.
- Put her belt on and keep it on all day and make it purer
- Put it on all day is reading it, learning more, growing in her knowledge of Truth
- Keep it on all day is thinking about Truth all day.
- False Doctrine/works salvation and sanctification, bad teeth that need cleaning. Need to be replace with Right Doctrine and the obedience that follows.
- Baby Tirza needs to learn to put on the Breastplate of Righteousness. Meaning before in slavery to sin she thought that she got to heaven by doing good works in your own effort. But no, “by grace are you saved through faith in Jesus Christ, not by doing good things otherwise we could boast in ourselves that we got ourselves to heaven, because we did what we thought was good enough, or at least not as bad as others” Truth is we get to heaven because God gives us the Righteousness of Christ. The lie is “If I do good, then I will earn God’s forgiveness or favor” no Christ earns us God’s favor. 2 Cor. 5:21, Rom. 1:17, 3:22
How does baby Tirza learn to put her breastplate of Righteousness on?
- Each time she is convicted of her sin and that she deserves punishment from God for it, it is at this point that she needs to put the Breastplate of Christ’s righteousness on. She does this by thinking “Dark am I, yet lovely” not “sinful am I, yet I do good” and not “sinful am I, yet not as bad as others” but “Sinful am I deserving the Wrath of God and the eternal lake of fire but lovely because I am forgiven and the Law of love is written on my heart. Ez. 36:26 and the perfect life of Christ is credited to my account.” This thinking needs to be repeated over and over and over all the time. She needs to drink this up like milk! Otherwise she will be tossed to and fro between works salvation, fear of punishment and salvation by faith and sanctification by beholding the Glory of Christ or His love at the cross. Babes are “tossed to and fro” but by believing the Truth and promises of God, this “believing God when He says something” is credited to them as righteousness. This faith produces good works out of love rather than out of fear of punishment. 1 John 4. The baby Tirza does this until she has full assurance of faith.
Baby Tirza must learn to “with her feet fitted with the readiness that comes the Gospel of Peace” Eph. 6:15 by learning Romans 5:1-11. She was an enemy slave girl needing redemption. Song 1:6 in slavery “taking care of the vineyards” and an enemy not beside the flocks of His “friends” Song 1:7 and 1 Kings 9:20-21
List of Phases of Growth
Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.
I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.
I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.
If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28
I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.
If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.
Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.
About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.
As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.
Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.
I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.
I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.
I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.
I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.
I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.
I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.
California at age 26.
I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.
One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.
By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.
I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."
So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.
After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.
I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.
I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.
I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.
The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.
About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.
I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.
Then this life changing advice came:
A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.
In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.
I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.
About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.
I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.
So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.
I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.
Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.
About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.
Then a mission trip to Croatia.
Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.
About 3 years saved now.
I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.
Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.
I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.
Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.
My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!
I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.
God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.