Christian Emotional Extremes
“Dark am I, yet lovely” Solomon’s Song of Song 1:5
Darkness and light stand in stark contrast in Scripture. Darkness refers often to evil, calamity, the wrath of God, ignorance, sin, misery, pain and death. Whereas light is just the opposite symbolizing goodness, blessings, Experiencing the Love and Grace of God, knowledge of God, holiness, righteousness, joy, delight and life.
Here we have the bride of Israel’s messiah confessing “Dark am I, yet lovely”. She has a dark unloveliness about her yet at the same time she has a holy fire that makes the darkness fade away. That fire is Love. Specifically a love from God and fuels her heart to love Him for who He is.
Intimacy with God. Do you want to be close to God? There are many ways that you can get close to God. The bride in the Song gets closer and closer to God. Isn’t God so awesome to give us an example of a bride of fire for her messiah. Here we have a look into how the bride thought and felt about herself. Her thoughts and emotions were balanced.
Having balanced and true thoughts about yourself is an effect of the Love of God on your heart. “Dark am I with sin and guilt, yet lovely and forgiven in Christ.” A flash of the Love of God upon the heart revealed this truth to her. For love is similar to “A flash of fire” 8:6-7 would consist of you seeing your darkness worse and the loveliness of your heart more. Because fire illuminates. Fire reveals the truth like light. Along with sensing or feeling the light comes warmth, joy and happiness. It would be tough yeah nearly impossible to explain fire to you if you were blind and senseless. How could you get a right idea of fire if you were blind and senseless. Even if you could see your idea of fire or the love of God would be only intellectual and not experienced by the whole heart unless you felt the fire or love of God for God’s love is better understood by the feeling of it than a mere explanation. I can tell you all about God’s love in forgiveness but you must feel it and have experienced his forgiveness at the cross in order to know it best.
The brighter the fire the darker you see yourself.
The brighter the fire the lovelier you see yourself not because of what you have done for we are sinners of ourselves but because God gave us the Holy Spirit of Love to dwell in our hearts flashing here and there at different degree’s, durations and frequencies as He chooses when He chooses.
Christian’s often times continue in sin due to not having balanced thoughts of God and themselves. Either a person is focused to much on the dark side or too much on the light side.
What do I mean by to much on the dark side?
Peter in Luke 5:8 was focused to much on the dark side of himself and therefore he pushed Jesus away. Why would you ever push Jesus away? If you want to be close to Jesus, I sure do, then we should never be to much focused on the dark side. “When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man”
Peter by paucity of mind saw who the messiah was. Peter saw who the Messiah was. Peter saw that Jesus was the Son of God due to the miraculous Power’s He had over the fish in the sea to reroute all of them to the boat. Peter saw the Son of God display his Glory. That revelation of Jesus Christ that Peter got caused him to want Jesus to go away from him. Unless special revelation of the knowledge of Jesus Christ is revealed when True knowledge of God is then fear of punishment ensues. Here the mind knows it is sinful, for Peter said “I am a sinful man”. Sounds a lot like “Dark am I, yet lovely” but without the “yet lovely” Jesus let Peter have a look at his dark sinful side and it was evil, only evil dwells in the darkness.
Okay by now your wondering when do I do this, I have been wondering when do the bride do this in the Song. I believe in 5:2-5 and in 3:1 she is pushing him away in one form or another. But back to us. When do we push Jesus away? 1. When we know he wants us to read the Bible to learn more about him and we choose to watch youtube or Netflix or something else other then read your Bible. The point here is that you push Jesus away overtime you ignore your conscience.
Remember the bride saw all the evil in her heart because she was an enemy to the king of Israel and his God. So not only was she dark on the inside but sunburnt on the outside for she was physically enslaved by her mother’s sons and worked “the vineyards” in the hot sun. Solomon’s Song of Songs 1:6. Had she known she was a sinner and feared the wrath of God through the king of peace then she would not have desired to be near him in Song 1:7. She would have desired the king to “go away from” her for she was a sinful woman outside a covenant relationship with God.
Why did Peter and John fear wrath from Jesus? Peter knew he was a sinful man after seeing God who put on flesh display His Glory right in front of eyes! The light went on in Peter. This light this Truth about who Jesus was was understood by Peter. A right knowledge of Jesus Christ without a proper view of the cross will cause fear of punishment from God, This fear of punishment is normal for the believer who is pursuing a closer more intimate relationship with God through Christ. They are drawing nearer to the light. The nearer they get to Jesus Christ in intimacy and love then they will fear and sense that God is angry with them and fear punishment from Him because the sinfulness of their sin was revealed to them in a greater degree than before, light flashed upon the heart and knowledge of God increases.
2 Cor. 4:6 “For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.”
For those of you that like meditations out there. You can practice.
Figure out how you can see your darkness darker? What Scriptures convict you most about your sin? These will expose your darkness to you.
Now after you have many sins ever before your mind, now think of the punishment you deserve for those sins. The further you can go in fear of the Wrath of God the greater you will enjoy knowing His Love and Grace in Christ! Learn to balance these emotions of Dark am I with Sin desiring the Eternal Lake of Fire, yet holy am I in Jesus Christ who died for my sin and covers me in His Perfect Righteousness!
Other verses that will encourage you as you mediate on your evil dark sin.
“The Lord is close to the broken hearted.” Psalm 34:18 You know your getting closer to God and He is getting closer to you if you are broken hearted because you have sinned against God.
“Blessed are those who mourn” Matthew 5
“God be merciful to me a great sinner.”
And Psalm 51.
If in your meditation you get really scared of the Wrath of God you must ask, beg and plead for God to reveal his Love and Grace to you in what Jesus did on the cross. It’s a right view of not only who Jesus is but what He has done for us that demonstrates His Love to us that will balance the emotions. Generally new believers need to understand this most or they will continue in much sin. A new believer will often just try harder to be good. They will feel the guilt and out of fear of the punishment they think they will get from God then they go try harder. Your motive here is to obey out of fear. You are to much on the dark side and your thoughts and holy emotions are unbalanced and you will notice that you will not have power of sin no matter how hard you try you just will not be able to destroy the sin you so much hate until you see, know, understand and feel the Love God has for you in the Person and Work of Jesus Christ. “Dark and evil am I apart from Christ living a perfect life on my behalf”
Dark and evil am I deserving the wrath of God, yet lovely with holiness am I because Christ took the wrath of God for me.
If you are reading your Bible with the motive of trying to learn more about God, this is your number one motive. Open your Bible and pray Lord reveal yourself to me. Jesus I want to know you more. Something to that effect. You desire to grow in the knowledge of who God is and what He is like. Gaining this information will bring light to your mind. Darkness fades a little and light enters the soul. The soul gets an idea of God.
Now what does the heart do? The mind see’s the holiness of God and then see’s the darkness and evil of their soul. Think of God and then think of all your sin, all of them, heart sins, sins of the mouth, sins of the hands, sins of the eyes, selfishness, bitterness, anger…. go down the list. Think about God and then know He created you and you should love Him. If you love Him you will obey him, this is true. But you have all these sins and God would be just to punish you forever for no one deserves God’s Grace. Yes we know God is Just but we cling to Jesus Christ who died for us, who felt the lake of fire for us, our sins were place on Him and God punished Him as if He lived our sinful life and it hurt for it was hell fire from God. Love held Him there. Love to God and love to sinful man. Here we see the Love of God. Drink up to the fullest!! Get as much as you can from this foundation and fountain of Love. Think often of the Love of God, the Love of Jesus and His Spirit who is Love.
Other dark am I lessons
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Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.
I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.
I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.
If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28
I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.
If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.
Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.
About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.
As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.
Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.
I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.
I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.
I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.
I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.
I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.
I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.
California at age 26.
I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.
One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.
By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.
I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."
So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.
After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.
I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.
I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.
I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.
The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.
About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.
I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.
Then this life changing advice came:
A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.
In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.
I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.
About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.
I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.
So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.
I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.
Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.
About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.
Then a mission trip to Croatia.
Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.
About 3 years saved now.
I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.
Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.
I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.
Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.
My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!
I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.
God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.
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