Delightful Love Meditation Song 1
Experiencing the Love of God like never before.
Understand in the heart what the Love of God is and know it in the mind.
Do not doubt or you will not be blessed. Have you ever read a love letter from someone you really love. You eagerly read every word to know their love for you. You trying to figure out all the ways they love you. Solomon was the most desirable husband and he used the unmeasurable wisdom God gave him to love his wife.
Your flame in your heart for them goes up with every sentence you read! The more they love you the more it comes out in the love letter. Image if your lover had a flame in their heart for you that was absolutely unquenchable, with the surety and certainty of it accomplishing it purpose as strong as the grave. Imagine your lover loved you so much that if someone where to give the world to them that the very thought would be repulsive! The Song of Songs wants you to experience God’s love for you like you never have before. God desires to show you he loves you. And then show you that however much you understood and sensed God’s Love for you He increases your knowledge and experience of that love that is more delightful than any other, and keeps increasing it according to your desire or hunger, enlargement of heart and level of humility etc.
Proper meditations on the Song of Songs will enflame your heart like never before provided you listen to God and immediately obey anything your conscience is convicted of. In order to experience God’s love, you must love Him. In God showing you love and you loving Him back, herein is love made complete and the joys thereof experienced to their fullest. Most don’t experience the best that God has for them because they are either not saved or continue in some same habitual pattern of sin. When Christ knocks on the door of your heart and you ignore Him, then of course you won’t experience His love because He just showed up to give you some love and you ignored Him, then you can’t complain for not sensing His love because you quenched his love by not returning it, by obeying, praising or glorifying Him.
Those of you who are thinking. God is so big, God is so Good, God is so Loving, wouldn’t you think he would make life here on earth easier and happier? He has made it easier, Jesus even said “My commands are not burdensome” Imagine it being a burden to love Jesus Christ who died for you. When you love someone, you love to love them. Loving them is the only thing you want to do the only thing that would make you happy! True happiness is when the one you can, may I say compel Jesus Christ the one you know and love to delight in your holiness, which consisted in your love to God and man.
I say all of the above just to say “Blessed, Yeah overly blessed are those who listen and obey”
Learning to Meditate on the holiest Love Song in the Bible!
If you are God’s child, saved, born again, living for God, denying your sinful old self, desiring God, wanting a closer more intimate relationship with God, desiring the most sweet yeah, sweeter then you can image, holy intimate communications with Him in Christ our Beloved then memorize and mediate on the Song of Songs. Put yourself in her shoes.
The Song is to be understood from the brides perspective, most of the Song is in the first person, other times context is given, but the idea is for you to think like the bride and feel her feelings.
Then think about the next verse. The verses are meant to go in order to draw you deeper and deeper into the Love of God, therefore follow the flow of the Song in order to know and experience the Love of God. You must think and feel or do what she is thinking and feeling and doing. Be the bride. Let your heart and her heart be one and let the wisest husband to ever live lead you into the infinite ocean of God’s love for an experience like no other for his/His love is more delightful than wine.
Then connect the two verses. Desire, Think and feel or do what she is in the first verse before you move to the next. I hope this makes sense, it will be easier the more you do it, the journey is worth more than you are thinking right now if you have faith. God is able to do above and beyond all you can think or imagine. So memorize the words of the bride!!
The green is my translation. The red is NIV translation.
Memorize and own, and think and feel. Let the brides experience be yours with an ever increasing experience of God’s love in union and holy conversations with God’s beloved son the king of peace in God’s Word.
Think of it like a play or a moving going on and you are the single enemy slave girl desiring the husband of your dreams and he is king of kings, unmeasurable wise, prophet of God, faithful heigh priest, beloved son of God, king of peace sitting on the throne of God in Jerusalem. He would be yours and you would be his. You would be royalty and co-er to the kingdom of God. A perfectly holy Theocratic Monarchy
Solomons Song of Songs Chapter 1
The poor enemy slave girl has her mind on a special king who’s love is more delightful than wine and he is single and looking for a wife. Our bride to be experiences God’s love in salvation from her sin for she believed the coming Messiah would be her substitute and her sin would be atoned for. What love is here in beholding the beauty of the coming messiah. She believed and the love of God was written on her heart and it was aflame. It is like flashes of light and heat or knowledge of God and fervor or knowledge of God is light and the heat is the burning desire to experience more. The bride has a burning desire to experience more of God’s love than before. She now wants to experience it through the king of peace, she wants to be united and one with the king of peace, they wouldn’t be enemies anymore but friends 5:16. The king had brought her to the point of wanting the closest most intimate relationship with the one her heart loves because of his good character or name. Hear and memorize the expressions of love from her heart to the king who she desires to rule over her, whom she loves..
“Show me Your Matchless Love over and over again
for your love is more delightful than wine.
3 Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
your name is like perfume poured out.
No wonder the young women love you!
4 Draw me after you—let us hurry!
Let the king bring me into his inner chambers.”
All those who have been experiencing God’s love through the king respond in praise and adoration to the king.
“We rejoice and delight in you;
we will praise your love more than wine.”
Your heart agree’s with what they are doing so you say:
How right they are to adore you!
Once your mind is deep in the love of God or you mind is on the cross you will have clearer ideas of God and Jesus and His love to God and sinful man magnificently displayed at the cross. You see the purity and holiness of God or really you see your darkness your flesh, the unredeemed part of you called your darkness and you realize you are dark with sin. you have missed the mark God had set for you, you crossed the line over and over again, pride, selfishness and unbelief and the punishment that comes along with it, this is your darkness, “Dark am I” own it, feel it, know it. The right feeling that comes with this one is grief. Or a mourning over sin. The believer hates sin and when the light shines in their heart they see their sin and darkness and they mourn because the have offended God who Sent His Son. Other than mourning the heart that is close to God is broken hearted over sin. God is close to the broken hearted.
Plus if you can see your darkness and be properly grieved because you did not want to displease God. And you see in yourself nothing good in yourself that can recommend you to God then you have seen your darkness and can own the text “Dark am I…” but if you think you are a good person and not a sinner then you will never be able to experience the love of God as the Song intends! Why? Song 8:7 This love can’t be bought. You come broke and with no money in order to receive this love. You come broken hearted close to God at the cross where the poor in spirit are blessed beyond imagining. For he who has been forgiven much will love much!! The fruit of the Spirit is love and joy unspeakable and full of Glory especial when you see that you have been forgiven of a great evil done against a Great God, then you see God greater and your sin worse then before and repeat then your love grows each day because each day you grew in the knowledge of God therefore you have grown in your knowledge of God and have a higher view of Him and then along with that higher view of God comes a lower view of yourself, for you will see yourself clearer than before. Some people fear the Wrath of God at this point or start to become prideful and self righteous. Either way the “Dark and I, yet lovely in Christ” meditation should balance your holy emotions when they are on fire one way or another.
5 Dark am I, yet lovely in Christ,
daughters of Jerusalem,
dark like the tents of evil dwellers, yet holy and set apart for God’s purposes
like the tent curtains of Solomon.
6 Do not stare at me because I am dark,
because I am darkened by the sun.
Satan was angry with me
and yoked me to himself by his lies;
Feeling guilty of sin and knowing your heart has been corrupted you say:
“my own heart I did not guard.”
Continuing on closer and closer to the one your heart loves. You desire further peace and rest for your soul by the side of the one your heart loves. Satan has had you in his vineyard to long and you desire to not be at odds with God but be on His Side, you desire to lay down your weapons and do what is right, but you just don’t know quite where to go or how to get it so you cry out to the one your heart loves and say”
7 Tell me, you whom I love,
where you graze your flock
and where you rest your sheep at midday.
Why should I be treated like someone continuing in sin,
beside the flocks of your friends?
The one whom you desire the closest most intimate relationship with responds by letting you know how he see’s you and then shepherding you heart by giving you much needed information. Her beloved sweetly responds:
8 If you do not know, most beautiful of women,
follow the tracks of the sheep
and graze your young goats
by the tents of the shepherds.’
The point her is that you follow other mature believers in the Bible and do what they did and you will find peace with God and man and experience the love of God like never before and herein your heart will be at rest. So look to Jesus the Author and Finisher of our Faith and follow Christ at all costs. Its more than worth it to deny yourself everything, no matter how hard it is, be encouraged with Christ as your Good Shepherd of your heart, your love to God will prevail in obedience even to death. The point here is to follow other mature believers.
Or another way of saying it is read your Bible daily and obey your conscience. When he knocks then open the door immediately. So many people don’t know the love of God because they say they are waiting for Jesus but when he tells them to repent of certain sins then they turn their back on Him as if He were trying to take away something they liked. A believer on fire hates all sin in all forms, heart sins particularly pride, selfishness and unbelief. For these are in the heart. A hypocrite will reform the outside but not be able to clean inside the heart or bowl as Jesus said.
Then Keep reading your Bible and obeying more and more then this pattern learning more and obeying will lead your soul daily to refreshment at still waters and nourishment from the body and blood of Christ.
So now I will help you to connect the last verse were the good shepherd tells her what to do and where to go with the next verse where he praises her for obeying the one her heart loved. So now you have been diligent and reading and obeying and reading more and repenting and thinking more of Jesus, you waisted not time and pursued a closer more intimate relationship with God, you have some experience in it now, it has been a battle but you have been progressively learning and obeying without fear of punishment form God, love is being perfected in you and you Heavenly Father is quite pleased for He gave you advice and you most speedily obeyed. Such a noble character. You hare humble and honor is fitting so Christ praises your earnest pursuit and highly valuing you by comparing you to an experienced mare in battle and says:
9″ I liken you, my darling, to a mare
among Pharaoh’s chariot horses.”
After complimenting her inner beauty the one her heart loves also adores her outer beauty and adornments and goes on praising her as she also has high thoughts of him
10 “Your cheeks are beautiful with earrings,
your neck with strings of jewels.”
The Praise don’t go to her head but her mind eye and doves eyes stay on high thought of her beloved as he adores her beauty and promises to give her more and more of her hearts delight.
11 “We will make you earrings of gold,
studded with silver.”
The Bride doesn’t speak here but is only giving us the context as to what is going on in her heart when the king was praising her. What were her thoughts, feelings and emotions she had while her dream come true husband was praying her inside and out and promising to make her more beauty. She was thinking to only please him/Him. in verses 1:12-14 the bride is not talking to anyone. She is letting us know that after she followed the track of other mature believers she learned how to stay humble under the praise of her faithful husband Prov. 31:28-30 Her character was like perfume poured out, how pleasing and delightful it was that the sweetest words just flowed like honey from his lips. She stayed humble by having pure motives of only wanting to please him/Him and having high thought of him. She expresses her love to him in words that express her desire to please him for she says:
12 “While the king was near and adoring me,
my perfume spread its fragrance.“
Myrrh was precious and valuable. People would die of hydration trying to cross the desert in order to get myrrh. The bride see’s her husband as precious and valuable worthy of pursuit and desirous to have close to her heart for she says and you should memorize:
13 “My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh
resting between close to my heart.
You need to memorize everything the bride speaks and then go back and read it and own it and feel it and do it for love is a feeling but not a feeling with action that produces fruit for faith works by love.
Now to the next thought the bride had while the one her heart loved adored her inner and out beauty and promised to make her more beautiful. She is only looking at his moral beauties and excellencies and they are absolutely beautiful. He is a good shepherd of her heart and have her priceless advice. One henna blossom was that Her lover is a beautiful good shepherd. As a king of peace he had no enmity against her for his love to her was beautiful with holiness to adorn it. Another henna blossom. The one her heart loves was a cluster of these for she says with high views of him in her mind and great delight in her heart”
14 “My beloved is to me a cluster of henna blossoms
from the vineyards of En Gedi.“
Her beloved, king of charm, speaks again. He has been looking into her eyes as he was praising her and they were like doves with holy love written all over them. Love the very “Flame of the Lord” in her heart wash flashing light in her mind and fulfilling the desires of her heart and her eyes could not leave him for doves are white for purity in love and faithfulness plus doves eyes have no peripheral vision therefore the metaphor fits lively in multiple ways. Ever since her eyes were fixed on him from the beginning of the Song and they have not left him. He has either been in her heart or in her sight all the time. The sight of which is beautiful. She is beautiful. She is “the most beautiful woman” both inside and out to his holy doves eyes 5:12. So with his priceless refreshing and delightful eyes fixed on her his lips drop even more sweetness than before for now they are eye to eye. Notice how close she is now. She was is slavery in the hot sun and now she is in the presence of the husband of her dreams and he looks into her eyes and says:
15 How beautiful you are, my darling!
Oh, how beautiful!
Your eyes are doves.
You would think she would be ready to faint by now but that doesn’t happen til 2:5-6. The feelings are mutual. They both delight in one another’s beauties
16 How beautiful you are, my beloved!
Oh, how charming!
Here is the first time in the Song that things are being shared. The word “our” shows up 3x. The soft lush green grass they are laying on gives us the idea that this relationship is fresh, alive and just getting started and the cedars give the impression that the foundation of the relationship is the strongest like love itself 8:6 and the firs give the idea of luxury and royalty. The relationship is flourishing or blossoming and just getting started and they have love 8:6 as a sure and lasting fountain and foundation of the blessed union which is covered in luxury, for they both agree saying:
17 “Our bed is verdant. The beams of our house are cedars; our rafters are firs.”
This concludes Chapter 1. Repeat this meditation over and over again and it will enflame your heart more and more every time. If your having a hard time owning the text then continue on for the rest of the blog is helping those who are stuck somewhere. If you learn how to mediate on the first chapter really well then you will be able to move on to Chapter 2 and so forth.
Ideas to help further
Each idea or set of idea’s connects and moves the mind along in holy meditation.
First idea or ideas are Song 1:2-4
You have tasted the love of God before and desperately desire to experience more and more of it Why? The power of his name draws me nearer. Makes me to desire the strictest union or oneness with the one my heart loves. Does the Name Jesus make you want to go closer? Is it like perfume poured out? Think of the name Jesus and all that you know of him.
As you mind thinks of Him do you feel like the bride in Song 1:2-4? Remember I said you must feel what she is feeling!! Love is both knowledge of God and love to Him. When knowledge of God and love to Him are in the heart then you will have a feeling!! That feeling can be same same as delight. The subjective feeling of delight is in the objective reality of who Jesus is and what he has done for us, which is what comprehends His Matchless Name!!
Helps if you just aren’t getting the feeling
- Memorize it.
- Own it. Take time to really think about what she is thinking about, this is good because then you are aligning your mind with truth, herein is how you earn your pure and lovely doves eyes in Song 1:15 because their is truth written there and truth in the heart of the bride is beautiful, precious, desirable therefore making your heart more beautiful. The heart gets more holy as Truths in Scripture continue to agree with your heart! Have you ever read the Psalms and you and David just seem to be on the same page? Getting to be on the same page of the bride in the Song will help you to experience the Love of God like never before because she does!! Get it. Feel it. Then do it again and again and drive truth into your mind and it will be pleasant to your soul. All the while you must be repenting and obeying. Don’t ever forget your sin and not looking toward the Love of God at the cross daily will separate you from God and He will not hear until you are thoroughly humbled. Is. 59:2, Prov. 2
- Still can’t feel it, then its either you aren’t a Christian or your living in sin. Meaning that there is something in your life that you know God would want you to change and your not changing. You still keep some certain sin dear to you, something you delight in and aren’t willing to divorce it from your life, you have another lover, two lovers can’t master your heart only one can. If you have a love and delight in one sin or another then you must repent and delight yourself in the LORD only and he will give you the holy desires of your heart.
- If you haven’t memorized it then I would say it is more difficult to own. You must pray for this is a prayer with thoughts directed on the One you desire affection from.
- You may have memorized it and you can’t own it because you don’t believe it. You doubt God will show you greater love than yesterday. You doubt he will ever love you again. You have been so far in sin that you doubt God loves you. Or maybe you haven’t been doing much lately and doubt God loves you. Our believe that we will experience more of God’s love isn’t based on my works. Just because I did something good doesn’t mean that God will bless me based on me doing good with wrong motives. “You ask and you receive not because you ask for selfish reasons” The bride is asking to receive more Love from God. Holy Prayers with a motive of pleasing or being God or Glorifying Him or because His Word says it, because it is right. Evil in the heart can’t experience God’s love. Wrong motives and selfish motives are evil. Ask God to forgive your selfish, evil motives then think of Jesus, the cross, him bearing the Wrath of God for your selfishness. This belief in the body and blood of christ suffering for us cleanses the heart of that evil selfishness and wrong motives. and now a belief is changed and you hate what you used to delight in because it offends God and you do not want to displease Him but desire to Glorify Him who is the First and Last, the living One, who lived a perfect life and died for you. He has sovereignty over life and death. Lack of faith and wrong motives will keep you from delightful owning this text.
- Maybe you are used to a different prayer that accomplishes the same thing. Other ways of asking to Experience more of God’s love are 1. “Show me your Glory” 2. “Let me behold your Beauty oh Lord” 3. Let me know You more. 4 Let me know Jesus 5. Show me Jesus 6. Grant me a greater piece of my inheritance now. 7. Shed the love of God abroad in my heart through the HOLY Beautiful Spirit’s communication of His Nature to me in my Beholding of the glory of God in the face of Christ. 8. Let them be One as We are One.
- Argue from the type of Christ to the Anti-type to get clearer ideas of Jesus Christ. Argue from Solomon to Jesus for a higher view of Him.
You can also argue from Solomon to Christ. Meaning we can think of a physical king here on earth. That is easy. But to think of Jesus as King in heaven is a little harder. Yet we are called to holy heavenly mindedness. Our Home is in Heaven we are only passing by. We will see Him as He is!! this is everlasting life. To know God, the only True God, and Jesus Christ whom He has sent. For all things are from Him and through Him and to Him the First and the Last, to God be the Glory Amen and Amen. Solomon was a great king but Jesus is Greater. The king of peace, yet Jesus is King of peace. The beloved son of God, Jedidiah yet the Messiah is Greater for He is the Beloved Son of God. This helps us to give us a higher view of God in Christ. Add to this the holiness of God. For herein lies His Beauty. For Jesus is a Holy King. He is a holy KING OF kings and LORD of lords. Imagine the rule of King Solomon extending as far as the known world then extend the thought heaven word and image a rule by the Greater King on the Throne of God in Rev. 4
All the while you put your mind heavenward the holiness of God gets brighter and so will your sin, the closer you get to God the more you see your sin, so also as you mind gets fixed on the hope of Heaven. The fulfillment of all your holy desires. You will be fully satisfied in Christ Alone!! Forever being filled. Like being filled and then adding to it always being full but getter more and more filled as the heart gets more enlarged. Ps. 119:32 Her mind is on the Love of God which also extends to the Heavens Forever, Even His Mercy, Though we won’t sin yet His mercies endure forever!!
What should you be thinking and feeling?
You should be thinking about the character of God, Jesus Christ His Son forTrue Knowledge of Jesus Christ is the fountain and foundation of all True Knowledge. Knowledge of the Love of God is based on Truth not error. Truths about God for it is God’s Love we are experiencing, therefore some will not experience the Love of God because they have or keep wrong thoughts of God. Like a common wrong thought is “God will not send people to hell forever.” This is a lie. The devil says this and unbelievers believe the lie for they are blinded by the devil and have lost their Spiritual discernment. 1 Cor. 2:14.
Another wrong Notion of God that will keep you from owning the text and experiencing the Love of God like never before is thinking God owes you something because of something you did rather than it being because of Christ in you and even then God can hold back the spiritual blessing of His presence for as long as He wishes for God’s Love is a Sovereign love. Here, patience is needed.
Still not feeling it then move to the Dark am I yet lovely Series that I did. If you still aren’t feeling Song 1:2-4 then its also possible that your religious emotion are not balanced and holy. Balanced emotions are the fertile ground of the heart by which pure and holy love can grow. Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life, lite, joy and delight. Keep the heart holy and pure by going to have Jesus wash your feet/heart daily at the cross. The continual experience of greater and greater revelations of God in Christ to your mind will draw out the affection of your heart for their is power in His Name. Their is an excellent quality to the nature and power of the Name of Jesus. Tis an irresistible quality. One look at the Beauty of Christ and you will want more ever day, more and more. Show me your affection over and over again. This can only happen at the cross. You can’t just ask God for something then know the way to get it and do nothing to get it.
You ask God to show you His Love and for you to experience it. I have told you how to do it!! I have given many things for you to do, have you tried them? If not then either you don’t believe me or you do you think God awards laziness and unbelief?
Another common reason some don’t experience the love of God more and more each day is because something bad has happened to them and they are still angry with God. God is love and these people that are still angry with God do not love God for they have something against him, they are angry and know God was in Control. They do not know they deserve worse. No one deserve anything. Those who believe themselves better than others think they deserve more. How prideful is that!! We deserve the lake of fire because we are sinners and that is the Truth!! Truth in the mind is a pure heart!! We deserve Hell but get Heaven by God’s Grace and we get any other blessing here on earth by His mercy and grace. God can give a mom, brother, sister or spouse and God can take them away. Blessed be His Name. God is good and takes things away from us that have a higher priority in our hearts so that the love of Christ may dwell in our heart to an even greater degree. Family can be an easy idol. The test comes when our idol is taken away. Do we complain or can our hearts agree with Job. “The Lord gives and the lord takes away, Blessed be Your Name.”
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Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.
I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.
I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.
If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28
I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.
If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.
Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.
About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.
As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.
Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.
I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.
I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.
I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.
I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.
I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.
I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.
California at age 26.
I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.
One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.
By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.
I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."
So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.
After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.
I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.
I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.
I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.
The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.
About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.
I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.
Then this life changing advice came:
A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.
In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.
I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.
About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.
I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.
So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.
I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.
Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.
About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.
Then a mission trip to Croatia.
Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.
About 3 years saved now.
I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.
Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.
I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.
Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.
My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!
I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.
God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.