Over the years some definitions have been quite helpful, so I have compiled this list so far. Please add to it by commenting on the bottom if you have a useful definition.
Moral perfections of God– those attributes which God exercises as a moral agent, or whereby the heart and will of God, are good, right, infinitely becoming, and lovely such as His righteousness, truth, faithfulness, and goodness or in one word His holiness.
Natural perfections of God– those attributes wherein His greatness consists; such as his power, knowledge, everlasting to everlasting, omnipresence, and his awful and terrible majesty.
Authority- The right God has to act what he pleases. He has a right to command.
Dominion– is His moral power wherefore it is lawful for him to do what he will. – The sovereignty of God is his ability and authority to do whatever pleases him;
whereby “he doth according to his will in the armies of heaven, and amongst the inhabitants of the earth, and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, what dost thou?” – (1) supreme, universal, and infinite power; whereby he is able to do what he pleases, without control, without any confinement of that power, without any subjection in the least measure to any other power; and so without any hindrance or restraint, that it should be either impossible, or at all difficult, for him to accomplish his will; and without any dependence of his power on any other power, from whence it should be derived, or which it should stand in any need of: so far from this, that all other power is derived from him, and is absolutely dependent on him.
(2) That he has supreme authority; absolute and most perfect right to do what he wills, without subjection to any superior authority, or any derivation of authority from any other, or limitation by any distinct independent authority, either superior, equal, or inferior; he being the head of all dominion, and fountain of all authority; and also without restraint by any obligation, implying either subjection, derivation, or dependence, or proper limitation.
(3) That his will is supreme, underived, and independent on anything without himself; being in everything determined by his own counsel, having no other rule but his own wisdom; his will not being subject to, or restrained by the will of any other, and others’ wills being perfectly subject to his.
(4) That his wisdom, which determines his will, is supreme, perfect, underived, self- sufficient, and independent; so that it may be said as in Isaiah 40:14, “With whom took he counsel? And who instructed him and taught him in the path of judgment, and taught him knowledge, and showed him the way of understanding?”—There is no other divine sovereignty but this: and this is properly absolute sovereignty: no other is desirable; nor would any other be honorable, or happy: and indeed there is no other conceivable or possible. ‘Tis the glory and greatness of the divine sovereignty, that God’s will is determined by his own infinite all-sufficient wisdom in everything; and in nothing at all is either directed by any inferior wisdom, or by no wisdom; whereby it would become senseless arbitrariness, determining and acting without reason, design or end.
Eternity– a denying of god any measures of time – the duration of His essence – Excluding from God all possibility of beginning, ending, and all flux and change Grace Gods free kindness to His creatures or any free gift. The freeness of G Grace is in its being unmerited and not what can be demanded. Done from mere good will.
GLORY– A shining forth, an effulgence
Glory of God-The shining forth or effulgence of his perfections -The communication of His perfections
Holiness of God-
Neg. is a perfect and unpolluted freedom from all evil. The nature of God is estranged from all shadow of evil, all imaginable contagion. (Charnock)
Pos. It is the rectitude or integrity of the Divine nature, or that conformity of it, in affection and action, to the divine will, as to his eternal law, whereby he works with a becomingness to his own excellency, and to his will, and an abhorrency of everything contrary to it. charnock
The perfect rectitude of his nature, whereby he is absolutely free from all moral impurity, and, in all that he does, acts like himself, and for the advancement of his own honor; delighting in what accords with, and abhorring what is contrary to, his nature and will. Robert Shaw page 69 “The reformed faith”
The infinite opposition of Godʼs will to sin, naturally and necessarily disposing Him to punish sin.
The moral excellency of the divine nature; comprehending all his moral perfections, his righteousness, faithfulness, and goodness.
tis delight in excellency, ’tis God’s sweet consent to himself, or in other words, his perfect delight in himself; which we have shown to be the Holy Spirit. ED
Gods holiness or hatred of sin is a disposition of the divine nature that necessarily Inclines God to Act of exort himself against it. God is so holy that he Can not look on Iniquity he Cannot behold it.
The holiness of God, which is the infinite opposition of his nature to sin, naturally and necessarily disposes him to punish sin. Indeed, his justice is part of his holiness; but when we spoke of God’s justice inclining of him to punish sin, we had respect only to that exercise of his holiness whereby he loved that holy and beautiful order that consisted in the connection of one thing with another according to their nature, and so between sin and punishment, and his opposition to that which would be so unsuitable as a disconnection of these things. But now I speak of the holiness of God as appearing, not directly and immediately in his hatred of an unsuitable, hateful disconnection between sin itself, and that which is proper for it, but in his hatred of sin, or the opposition of his nature to the odious nature of sin.
If God’s nature be infinitely opposite to sin, then doubtless he has a disposition answerable to oppose it in his acts and works. If he by his nature be an enemy to sin with an infinite enmity, then he is doubtless disposed to act as an enemy to it, or to do the part of an enemy to it; and if he [be] disposed naturally to do the part of an enemy against sin, or, which is the same thing, against the faultiness or blameworthiness of moral agents, then it will follow that he is naturally disposed to act as an enemy to those that are the persons faulty and blameworthy, or are chargeable with the guilt of it, as though they were the persons faulty. Indignation is the proper exercise of hatred of anything as a fault, or thing blamable; and there could be no such thing, either in the Creator or creature, as hatred of a fault, without indignation, unless it be conceived or hoped that the fault is suffered for, and so the indignation be, as it were, satisfied. Whoever finds a hatred to a fault, and at the same [time] imputes the fault to him that committed it, he therein feels an indignation against him for it:
(Christ being both God and Man, I do believe that the definition of Christʼs holiness here on earth in his humiliation would differ from God the fathers) (Me)
Immensity-A denying of God any bounds of place (charnock) -The diffusion of His essence Indignation
is the proper exercises of hatred of anything as a fault or thing blamable.
Justice-That perfection of his nature whereby he is disposed to this, is his justice; and therefore, his justice naturally disposes him to punish sin as it deserves.
God, when he is contemned and injured and his authority and glory trampled in the dust, he will be disposed to repair the injury done to his honor and raise his injured majesty out of the dust again.
Love- Love of Benevolence, as it respects the creature is that good disposition in Gods nature to communicate of his own fullness in general; such as His knowledge,holiness and happiness.
Love of Complacency
Majesty -for therein consists much of the majesty of God, viz. in his terribleness. “According to thy fear, so is thy wrath.”
Pity– presupposes a miserable suffering object
Power– strength – That by which God is able to effect all His purposes and all other possible effects so
long as they are in accord with his nature.
Providence- God’s use of the world he has made.
–Mental attributes (knowledge, wisdom, veracity) – Truth – 1. metaphysical in the object, meaning that person or object is all that it is supposed
to be. Antonyms Falsehood, spuriousness, fictitiousness, vanity, non-existence. (Bavinck) – 2. ethical meaning the correspondence between a persons being and his relation in word and deed. Whoever expresses himself differently from what he thinks is untrue,
a liar. -God revelation corresponding to His being. (Bavinck) – 3. logical- God knows all things as they are. Correspondence between thought and
reality. Our thoughts are true if they are an exact copy of reality. (Bavinck) – 4. The consistency and agreement of our ideas with the ideas of God. – 5. The perception of the relations there are between ideas – 6. The agreement of our ideas with existence (by running it up God and real
existence are the same) ( I am that I am)
FALSEHOOD-1. The suppositions of relations between ideas that are inconsistent with those ideas themselves; not their disagreement with things without
DIFFERENT NOTES ON THE ATTRIBUTES OF GOD
as to the Nature of the Righteousness of God it may be thus defined it a necessary & Unchangeable disposition of the divine nature to Render to Every one their own. it is not in strictness different from the divine nature and Essence it self but only in our way of Conception. being, and dispositIon or Inclination bent Different in God in our selves we distinguish between our souls and the disposition or Inclination of our souls the ones is a substance the other an accident or property of that substance but there is no such distinction in God of substance and property this is opposite to the simplicity of Gods nature but all that is in God is God, God is all thought and he is all love and all Joy all that disposition which we Call Justice and all that disposition which we Call mercy which is in deed the same disposition in God. he is an Infinitely Powerful love he is an Infinitely wise Justice he is an all Comprehensive and simple and unchangeable thought or Idea.
CHRISTIAN DOʼS AND DONTʼS and DEFINITIONS
Affections of the mind=
It may be inquired, what the affections of the mind are?
I answer, the affections are no other, than the more vigorous and sensible exercises of the inclination and will of the soul.
God has indued the soul with two faculties: one is that by which it is capable of perception and speculation, or by which it discerns and views and judges of things; which is called the understanding. The other faculty is that by which the soul does not merely perceive and view things, but is some way inclined with respect to the things it views or considers; either is inclined to ’em, or is discinclined, and averse from ’em; or is the faculty by which the soul don’t behold things, as an indifferent unaffected spectator, but either as liking or disliking, pleased or displeased, approving or rejecting. This faculty is called by various names: it is sometimes called the inclination: and, as it has respect to the actions that are determined and governed by it, is called the will: and the mind, with regard to the exercises of this faculty, is often called the heart.
The exercises of this faculty are of two sorts; either those by which the soul is carried out towards the things that are in view, in approving of them, being pleased with them, and inclined to them; or those in which the soul opposes the things that are in view, in disapproving them, and in being displeased with them, averse from them, and rejecting them.
And as the exercises of the inclination and will of the soul are various in their kinds, so they are much more various in their degrees. There are some exercises of pleasedness or displeasedness, inclination or disinclination, wherein the soul is carried but a little beyond a state of perfect indifference. And there are other degrees above this, wherein the approbation or dislike, pleasedness or aversion, are stronger; wherein we may rise higher and higher, till the soul comes to act vigorously and sensibly, and the actings of the soul are with that strength that (through the laws of the union which the Creator has fixed between soul and body) the motion of the blood and animal spirits begins to be sensibly altered; whence oftentimes arises some bodily sensation, especially about the heart and vitals, that are the fountain of the fluids of the body:
Anger is an affection excited against, or in opposition to, another for something in him that crosses self-love
-The mutual sharing of those things which delight those in that relationship (John Owen) -The common partaking in union of any good (Edwards)
Courage is the virtue between cowardice (the deficiency of courage) and foolhardiness (the excess of courage). Someone who is too courageous will get himself killed–that’s foolishness. A person who has no courage at all is nothing but a coward. (aristotle)
Faith (The grace of) -a sense and conviction of the truth and goodness of all divine revelation -in general, Godʼs sufficiency and His truth and so the truth and goodness of all revelation.
Faith (The just shall live by) he shall live by his faith on God’s righteousness and grace, and not his own goodness and excellency.
Faith (Justifying) is a sense and conviction of the reality and Excellency of Christ as a savior that entirely inclines and unites the heart to Him John 17:3
Fear of God-herein is the difference between a godly fear, or the fear of a godly man, and the fear of a sinner: the one fears the effects of God’s displeasure, the other fears his displeasure itself.
Gratitude -is an affection one has towards another, for loving or gratifying him.
Generosity -is the virtue between stinginess and wastefulness.
(Aristotle) Gossip/tattler – one who is quick to discuss private matters. the root word in the
Greek comes from boiling up, or bubbling over. (Mac) Happiness -That rest and delight (not rest and pleasure) that an intelligent being has in
the absence of evil and in the possession of its proper good.
Holiness- comprehends all the true moral excellency of intelligent beings. Freedom from all evil. Consisting in Love to God
Justified-accepted of God as free from guilt, wrath and the punishment of sin, and as now righteous and so the objects of favor, and as properly entitled to the rewards of righteousness
Leading of the Spirit-And the Will of God-And as to a gracious leading of the Spirit, it consists in two things; partly in instructing a person in his duty by the Spirit, and partly in powerfully inducing him to comply with that instruction. But so far as the gracious leading of the Spirit lies in instruction, it consists in a person’s being guided by a spiritual and distinguishing taste of that which has in it true moral beauty. I have shown that spiritual knowledge primarily consists in a taste or relish of the amiableness and beauty of that which is truly good and holy: this holy relish is a thing that discerns and distinguishes between good and evil, between holy and unholy, without being at the trouble of a train of reasoning.
The Apostle seems plainly to have respect to this way of judging of spiritual beauty, in Romans 12:2: “Be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and perfect, and acceptable will of God.”
Love Is – that disposition or affection whereby one is dear to another. Ed
– a sincere, free, spontaneous, not forced and perfect good-will to another. Ed.
– Divine Love, as it has God for its object, may be thus described. ‘Tis the soul’s relish of the supreme excellency of the Divine nature, inclining the heart to God as the chief good.
- – a sweet and gentle disposition and affection of the soul
- – a liking or inclination of the soul to a thing when in a high degree vigorous and lively -(its motive is for holiness sake)
- – Love seeks a mutual Relation & interest not only delights in having the beloved his ownbut also in being His. Tis the mutual Relation & Interest
- – The sum of all good principles
- – the fountain whence proceed all amiable and excellent actions
-benevolent is that affection or propensity of the heart to any being, which causes it to incline to its well being, or disposes it to desire and take pleasure in its happiness.
( beauty in the object is not always the ground of this propensity)
-complacence is no other than delight in beautyLive- or to have life- ; but it is expressive of a general principle in relation to men, that they shall be defended, preserved, made happy, not by their own merits or strength, but by confidence in God.- to experience God’s blessing by enjoying a life of security, protection, and fullness. LOVE TO GOD the soul’s relish of the supreme excellency of the divine nature, inclining the heart to God as the chief good.
“For love, is not only one of the affections, but it is the first and chief of the affections, and the fountain of all the affections.” joy, zeal , peace etc.
Meekness-a condition of the mind and heart that is the fruit of power. Jesus was meek because he had infinite resources from the father. It is the opposite of self-assertiveness and self- intereest: it is equanimity of spirit that is neither elated nor cast down, simply because it is not occupied with self at allMoral Evil -In order to a thing’s being morally evil, there must be one of these things belonging to it: 1. either it must be a thing unfit and unsuitable in its own nature; 2. or it must have a bad tendency; or it must proceed from an evil disposition, and be done for an evil end But neither of these things can be attributed to God’s ordering and permitting such events, as the immoral acts of creatures, for good ends. (1) It is not unfit in its own nature, that he should do so.
Meekness is the virtue between indifference and a short temper. Aristotle said that the gentle or meek person “is praised for being angry under the right circumstances and with the right people, and also in the right manner, at the right time, and for the right length of time” ([Indianapolis: Bobbs- Merrill, 1962], p. 100). Meekness is indeed power under control. (Aristotle) Moral Good that which is contrary to sin; or, in other words, that good in beings who have will and choice, whereby, as voluntary agents, they are, and act, as it becomes them to be and to act. and , it is obvious, that is becoming, which is most fit, suitable, and lovely.
Prayer Intent of– to bring our souls into a frame in all things answering the mind and will of God. Which can be the same with meditation.
Pride – is that habit or state of a person’s heart whereby he is inordinately disposed to exaltation amongst other beings as to his comparative dignity or worthiness of esteem and value… The immediate object of pride is not… a man’s own excellency considered absolutely. ‘Tis not a disposition in a person to seek his own excellency absolutely, or a disposition to be excellent. A man can’t excessively affect his own excellency… he can’t excessively desire to be excellent
Repentance-signifies a change of mind
-formerly esteeming and approving sin and now utterly disapproving and disliking it. Revenge If after we are offended or injured, we speak reproachfully to our neighbor, or of him to others, with a design to lower or injure them, and that we may gratify the bitter spirit we feel in our hearts for the injury that neighbor has done us.
Sin is no other than disagreeableness, in a moral agent, to the law of God, or rule of our duty.
Self-righteousness: to conceive hopes of some favor of God from a false notion of the relation our own goodness or excellency bears to that favor.
’tis a trusting in their own works. Their works are wholly their own; they are from themselves, and not from God.
Sin- an infinitely uncomely disorder – an infinitely detestable pollution – is no other than disagreeableness, in a moral agent, to the law, or rule of his duty
Sin (The evil of)
-is that it is against the infinite greatness and awful majesty of God, and against so excellent a Savior and His dying love. – consists in the hating of God – what the evil, or iniquity, or hatefulness of sin consists in, is the violating of an obligation, or the being or doing contrary to what we should be or do, or are obliged to
– every sin has an infinite deformity and hatefulness in it, is because what the evil, or iniquity, or hatefulness of sin consists in the violating of an obligation, or the being or doing contrary to what we should be or do, or are obliged to. Therefore by how much the greater the obligation is that is violated, so much the greater is the iniquity and hatefulness of the violation.
Spiritual Understanding-Spiritually to understand the Scripture, is to have the eyes of the mind opened, to behold the wonderful spiritual excellency of the glorious things contained in the true meaning of it, and that always were contained in it, ever since it was written; to behold the amiable and bright manifestations of the divine perfections, and of the excellency and sufficiency of Christ, and the excellency and suitableness of the way of salvation by Christ, and the spiritual glory of the precepts and promises of the Scripture, etc. Which things are, and always were in the Bible, and would have been seen before, if it had not been for blindness, without having any new sense added by the words being sent by God to a particular person, and spoken anew to him, with a new meaning.
Trials– those things that a professor meets with in his course, that especially render his continuance in his duty and faithfulness to God, difficult to nature.
Trusting in God– Respecting God as that portion in which he seeks and looks for satisfaction – an acquiesance of mind in a sense and persuasion of Godʼs sufficiency to do those things we need because we are poor, needy and miserable. – a rest of mind in a dependence upon what he says he will do
Virtue-is the beauty of those qualities and acts of the mind that are of a moral nature, i.e. such as are attended with desert or worthiness of praise or blame.
-the beauty and qualities and exercises of the heart, or those actions that proceed from them which consists in benevolence to being in general -The nature of true virtue is that consent, propensity, and union of heart to being in general, which is immediately exercised in a general good will.-generally consists in love -consists in a disposition to benevolence towards being in general and as objects are presented exercises of love will arise
Worship -a proper response to the attributes and activities of God
Zeal is no other than the Ardour of an Holy flame of divine Love in the Heart. In zeal , there is in it high approbation of some person or thing, together with vigorous opposition to what is conceived to be contrary to it.
Odds and end definitions and good quotes
- MISERY OF THE DAMNED.
See No. 491.5 The discoveries of God’s majesty are two ways. (1) Immediately by intuition. The manifestations of God’s majesty in heaven, and at the day of judgment, and in many of his works, as thunder and earthquakes, etc., tend immediately to impress the mind with a sense of majesty, without any reasoning or reflection. And (2) by reflection. The saints in heaven will have a sense of exceeding majesty immediately impressed, but they will have more by reflecting and reasoning from God’s works; and the more they consider, the more sensible they will be of the infinite majesty of God.
So likewise, the sense they will have of the calamity of the damned will be either by intuition, the impression they will have by mere beholding their present misery, and that sense of eternity that immediately occurs and goes along with it, without reflection; or that which they will have by reflection, or by dwelling upon the consideration of the eternity of their punishment. I suppose their intuitive view of the torment of the damned, or what they will immediately have by only seeing that misery without reflection, will give a sense of dreadfulness proportionable to the immediate discoveries of the majesty of God in other ways. See Nos. 505 and 545.
Love to God- The souls relish of the supreme excellency (Holiness) of the Divine Nature inclining the heart toward God as its chief good. It is better felt than defined but once felt then the understanding is enlighten more by the taste or sense of His Love.
Love of Complacency – Assumes the object is beautiful or holy. God has no love of complacency to the wicked but rather a righteous hatred in this regard.
Love of Benevolence–
Communion– Mutual Sharing of those good things which delight those in that relationship. ?Can include the truths by which the holy communion between the two is founded upon.?
Excellency= Excellency may be distributed into greatness and beauty. The former is the degree of being, the latter is being’s consent to being.
and a glorious exercise of the infinite excellency of his nature.
Celerity=Their hope of increase is not restless. Nevertheless, the increasing of desire may recall JE’s assertion that from an infinite height God views the creature “as rising higher and higher through that infinite duration, and that not with constantly diminishing (but perhaps an increasing) celerity
We argue very justly, that seeing God has created the whole world for his own glory, that therefore he will glorify himself exceeding transcendently; but we have showed that is, he will give his creatures occasion to glorify him exceedingly: but glorifying of God, as we have remarked in No. 3, is nothing but rejoicing in the manifestations of him. Wherefore it may with equal evidence be argued that man’s happiness, i.e. the happiness of the saints, will be very transcendent, as transcendent as the glory of God, seeing it is the same. Again, seeing that God has created man as the intelligence of the creation, to behold the manifestation of God’s excellency—and we have proved that God created all things only for the happiness of the intelligence of the creation [No. gg], and we have showed that happiness is the perception and possession of excellency7—therefore, in proportion as
God has manifested his excellency, will the intelligence or perception of the world be happy. We therefore may be without doubt, that man shall be exceeding happy beyond conception.
Again, that the saints will be full of happiness, will have as much happiness as they can contain (that is, they will have happiness completely adequate to their capacity), is evident, because happiness is nothing, as we have showed, but the perception and the possession of excellency. Therefore if they are not full, it must be for want of excellency or the possession of it. But they can’t want excellency to behold in God, he being infinite in it; neither will they want the means of beholding or perceiving it, as far as their capacity allows; nor will they want possession.
Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.
I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.
I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.
If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28
I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.
If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.
Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.
About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.
As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.
Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.
I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.
I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.
I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.
I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.
I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.
I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.
California at age 26.
I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.
One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.
By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.
I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."
So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.
After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.
I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.
I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.
I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.
The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.
About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.
I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.
Then this life changing advice came:
A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.
In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.
I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.
About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.
I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.
So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.
I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.
Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.
About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.
Then a mission trip to Croatia.
Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.
About 3 years saved now.
I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.
Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.
I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.
Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.
My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!
I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.
God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.