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Sexually Abused Christian Testimony

This is my testimony of how God has worked in my life to bring about a greater love to Him by allowing bad things to happen to me.  How God helped me overcome is towards the bottom of this page but here is my testimony.

I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite.  I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday only because my family went.

Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.

About this time I was sexually abused by “Bob”  a made up name.  This incident changed my life for the worst, till I was saved in Feb. of 2,000  I had no clue how to deal with it.

15010420 - emotional portrait of abused woman isolated on black
God works all things together for growth in love to those who love God.  Romans 8:28-29

As I got older I grew older my hatred for Bob and God grew.  I knew God was Sovereign and I blamed Him, so I grew in my hatred for God.  Yes, Bob had free will and chose evil both are true. Toward the bottom of the page I explain this further.  I didn’t blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better.  Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom.  So over time as I used the bathroom memories would come back about the abuse because that night would replay in my mind.  It was like reliving it all over again.  My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.  I tried to make sense of it all and it seemed nothing worked.

Bob told me not to tell anyone and that it was our secret and that I would be in trouble with him if I told anyone.  I was scared and little so I didn’t say anything.  Every parent needs to tell their children that they have nothing to fear and to tell them everything right away and that they would be pleased to know and that the child has nothing to fear by telling their parent.  Actually, I believe the parent should say that they would be really happen to know if or when the child tells them.  Even though the information is a nightmare for the parent, at least the parent will know and stop contact with the abuser.  It is the person doing the abuse that is to fear, not the child!  Had I not been afraid, many other children may not have been abused.

Now I know this only happened to me one night.  Still 40 years later, I remember details that I am okay to remember now, because God works it for my spiritual good and His glory but I can’t image the pain other’s go through who have had this happen to them over and over again.  Even as I write this now, I cry with many tears for those hurting.  God love us even though you may not know it or feel it.  Go to Him in your time of need.

I was a really sinful teenager.  I only cared about myself and not even my family.  I hurt them in many ways.  I always came first in my mind.  Even at the expense of hurting others.  I was growing in my hatred for God by now and was totally rebelling.  I even knew I was rebelling against God by living very sinful.  Part of me was even happy for doing it, because I thought somehow this was my way of getting even.  These thoughts and feelings made my heart very hard against God.

I was going to church and was learned that God was in control.  I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused.  I didn’t understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this.  I hated Him for it.  My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back.  My heart grew even harder for Bob and God.  As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even more sinful.  I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn’t care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again.  At the age of 18 I was caught steeling, and did restitution.  By 20 I was in jail for selling marianna. Little did I know that God’s plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ.  I now would not change anything!  I learned how to Love God mainly through the His love poem to me, His bride, in the Song of Songs in the Bible.

I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did.  I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get an even worse than what I imaged before.  After some time I would only be relieved of my hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.

15193306 - a man making a confession to the cross, shot under dawn sky
God made Jesus who knew no sin to be sin for us that me might become lovely and righteous in Him.

( I now walk in a daily growing Love for God and Bob. I love Bob and pray for him, and when I use the bathroom and am reminded of all that happened, I thank God for using it all for growing love for Him and my growth in Christ likeness Rom. 8:28-29.  God uses all things for me to be more like Christ, even my memories and hard heart that I had.  When I was saved I hated my hard heart so bad that I did everything I could to purify it.  I memorized so much Scripture and meditated on the Song of Solomon quite often and confessing my sin and looking to the Love of Christ in forgiving me of all that hatred I had for God and Bob only made me see how evil I was to hate God and also then to see how gracious He was to forgive a sinner such as I)

I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened because things happened to them as well.

I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more.  It never seemed to be enough.  Multiple women and money seemed to be my main goal.  Mom had remarried and my new father told me that the best pleasures in life were women and money, so I put all my effort into that pursuit.  I made so many women mad at me.  Next to offending God, I extremely regret everything I did.  I hurt so many of them and it was so shameful that I am in tears again as I write.  Thank you Jesus for forgiving me!!  I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.

I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycles and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.  This caused my mom much grief but still I only cared about myself.

California at age 27.  Christ found me and brought me back to Him by His Great Love!!

I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27.   While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about “people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that they have faith”.  People who profess to have faith and people who process the faith that saves and  only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven.   I thought “I don’t think I have the faith that saves because my life was so sinful.”   I learned that if Jesus is your Savior that He saves you from living a life of sin.  Surely He was not my Savior because I continued to sin and wanted more of it.  I searched the scriptures to see how I could get this faith.  I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves.  All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.  People at church kept telling me what to do, but my life and sinful thoughts weren’t changing.  I was desperate and read and listened to everything I could get my hands on and only the conviction of sin would get worse.

One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves.  By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin.  I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn’t saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn’t have the faith that saves.

By the time I got to John, I saw “believe” everywhere.  John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe.  John 20:31 “these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.”  So at night I would pray “I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe.   This was just an intellectual belief.  I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it.  But this belief did not change my life.

I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires.  I thought I could just muster up faith.  I learned later that “Faith is a gift from God”  Ephesians 2:8-9.  The prayer wasn’t working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work.  After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening.  I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it.  A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don’t continue to make plans on how to sin more.  The prayers weren’t working so I gave up.  I got mad at God again because I was reading His Word and doing my best.   I said to God, “God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail.  If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried.”

crucifixionSo I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more.  3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living.  I was so scared of God, where could I run.  I was in complete terror.  My life was really sinful and evil.  All I saw was my whole life of sin and no way to hide from God who was angry with me.  You can’t hide from God.  It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being under the Wrath of God.

cropped-231a929c9681332ecb95b7b4215ae721.jpgThis lasted about 10 minutes, then this is how I understood it.  God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me should rightly come my way.  I agreed I deserved it.  Then I understood that He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago.  I immediately started weeping and couldn’t stop for about 20 minutes.  All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside the whole time.

After I stopped crying I thought that was one of the strangest things that ever happened.  I don’t cry.  Im was never sorry for my sin.  This was new to me. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree’s, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant.  Now I was really wondering what was going on.  I was no longer grieved but felt good inside.  I stood there boggled.  Is this real?  I had to look back in the tanning salon to see if I was really in a real place.  I was so happy, the only thing I could think of was Jesus being punished for my sin.  That thought dominated my thinking all day, and it only made me more sorrowful for my sin that He took upon Himself and also more joyful.

I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day.  I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it.  As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible in every spare moment I had.  I couldn’t believe what I was reading!!  It was all so wonderful!  It felt so good to just read my Bible.  My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible.  I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.

I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage.  It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage.  I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girlfriend, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn’t be sleeping together.  She didn’t understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend.  She said “Im glad your a Christian, so am I”  I thought to myself,  “I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay”  I wondered how she could think that.  Anyway we broke up.

635831637582067718-459653456_babybibleI kept reading my Bible, confessing my sin and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life.  I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind.  I  owed so much money.  I was instantly in debt about $80,000.  As I could, I paid them back slowly.  As of 2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.

The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn’t hurt at all.  The guy in the car felt so bad.  I just looked at him and said “God bless you and have a great day, I am okay”  and smiled at him and moved on.  Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing him I blessed him.  That was so weird.  But again it felt good.  I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good and sin made me feel guilty,  I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.

About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob.  I immediately prayed for him, something like “Lord help him..”  then I stopped praying and said out loud “What am I doing?”  I’m praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again.  I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around.  I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn’t figure it out.  But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did.  Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him.  The more I did this the less weird it got and the more right it seemed.  And the greater my love grew for him.  This is how God cleansed me of my hatred for Bob.

Anyone who has been abused knows that the memories don’t leave you.  But each time a memory comes back is a test.  God is testing us to see if there is love in our heart or hatred.  If we find hatred and anger then we must confess it as sin, see that we deserve hell and the lake of fire for that sin but then look to Jesus Christ who paid the penalty for that sin.  Right here is the power to forgive.  At this point if you have true conviction of your sin that you have angered a Great and Holy God, you will then see how evil, wretched, undone and sinful you really are and then you see how loving, gracious, merciful and forgiving Jesus Christ is to save such a sinful person as yourself.

Once you see this great Love Jesus has to save such a sinful person as yourself then it becomes quite easy, yes easy to forgive someone who has abused you.

Colossians 3:13
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

As I realized that God was not angry with me but had forgiven me, it was quite easy to forgive and not hate Bob.  As my love for God grew so did my love to someone who once was my enemy, Bob.  It hurt and grieved to the Spirit in me to have hatred for Bob, it felt good to love him so I prayed for even more love to Bob.  God granted my prayers.

Then when the memory comes back you can pass the test and have love to God and your enemy and not hatred.  I did not pass the test every time.  I had to learn this daily, hourly and sometime minute by minute because the memories would not stop when I went to the bathroom.   Paul who was a great sinner said in Romans 1:16 that the gospel “is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes” not only salvation but growing love for God and others as well.   The gospel will save the sinner and wake up the saint to loving God and others.  Here I found power to forgive as Christ forgave me, but I had to do this everyday all day 10, 20, 30 sometimes all day I would have to think of my sin and see the Love of Christ greater than my sin in order for me to forgive and not be angry with Bob each time a memory came.  Now it is natural for me because I have done it so many times, you have to remind yourself over and over again.  Jesus does this good work in His children Hebrews 12. and Phil. 2:13 if you are continuing in hatred then Jesus is not saving you.  Jesus came to save sinners from the punishment of their sins and from living a life of sin.  We can’t save ourselves that why God sent Jesus, our faith is in Him to save us from bad memories and living a life of sin.  This is why I wanted to share the Gospel with Bob, so that he could be saved like Jesus was saving me.  Yes, Bob did not deserve to hear the gospel that has power to save, but I loved him and wanted the best for him, God had changed my heart through believing the truth of the good news that,

21 “God made Jesus who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” through Jesus bearing our sin and shame upon himself on the cross and crediting us sinners with His righteousness so that God could treat us as if we had lived the perfect life of Jesus.  We get His righteousness! 2 Corinthians 5:21

I started memorizing large portions of scripture.  I thought I really needed to understand what Jesus felt on the cross for me and if I knew more about His love for me then I would love Him more.  Someone recommended memorizing Isaiah 53, so I did.   I found so much love in there that it kept changing me more like Him.  I memorized even more Scripture about Love, and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10  “For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul.”  I wanted more and more of this pleasantness.  So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.

Then the best life changing advice came:

A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it.  Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it.  Every verse!  So I started in Genesis and read through.  When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book.  I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3.  After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs.  So I read on.  Then I came to Song of Solomon.  I read it with quite a lot of confusion.   What is this talk about breasts and stuff in the Bible.  It wasn’t as good as the other books, I didn’t know why.  So I bought a commentary on it.  George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.

In the commentary I found that George and others saw the book as illustrating God’s love to the Church, me His bride.  And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book!  This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love Him more.

You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him with a burning passion.  I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible.  So here was a book that would help me do that.  So I landed on the Song of Solomon.  I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.

12475776_sI memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day.  I didn’t know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God.  I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, really all day!  like a dozen times a day at least.  It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much over my sin.   I would often weep everyday just reading it.  I was to immature to know what was going on.  Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I continued to do so.  As I read the commentary I understood more and more.  What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often.  I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other’s in church weren’t the same way.  Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn’t seem to care much about God or the Song of Songs like I was.  It tasted so good to my soul.  They would talk about work, football the weather.  The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.

I spend most of my first two years saved hanging around the Master Seminary.  The guys there were so mature and encouraging.  I loved going to chapel with them.  I had so many question and they were so happy to help.  I worked as little as possible and studied, prayed and worshipped as much as possible.  This meant about 3 hours of work a day and 12 hours of study.

About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.  Where God taught me how to live by faith.  So much here to tell but I will hold back.

I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him.  I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn’t heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation.  So I asked family if they had any information.  Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell.  After some time I got his name but no location or phone number.  Either they didn’t know where he was or didn’t want to tell me.  I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.

So I went on the internet and typed in  “his name and child molestation sex offender court”  thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him”  I even talked to a private eye and he couldn’t help.    So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page.  I believed it was God’s will for me to witness to Bob.  I wanted him to be saved.  Really bad!  So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him.  So I didn’t stop searching for him.  I kept my computer on each day and went page by page through thousands of pages.  It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren.

I wrote the prison and he wrote back.  All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail.  I didn’t open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter.  He admitted to being the one who molested me.  We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him.  He read my letters over and over again.  I shared the gospel in each one.

I got mad again at Bob 2x.   Once he said that he love me.  I got really angry with him.  He didn’t love me.  That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob.  Then  I wrote him back saying “I’m sorry but you can’t say that you loved me.  You did not love me you lusted after me.”  He admitted he didn’t love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful.  Finally some conviction.  Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him.  All his family had left him and he said I was the only “friend” he had.

Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help.  I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.

About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008.  Work was hard.  I still sent him money and I had to work harder.  This was a really good lesson for me because I had to “work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it.”   I had to have grace and mercy in my heart where before I had only hatred and a desire for Bod to have God punish him. This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me.  This is what Jesus did.  Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn’t deserve it!!  Christ was in me!  This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months!  Jesus was in me! “Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. 17 This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment if In this world we are like Jesus, who loved sinners. 18 There is no fear of punishment in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:16-18

Then a mission trip to Croatia.

Each Mission trip I left my whole business behind, and had to start of fresh. By God’s amazing Grace, I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back.  This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did.  How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks.  Only with the help of God.  God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.

After being saved 3 years I had the strongest desire ever for children to grow up loving God instead of hating Him, so I started teaching with a passion that has never stopped and only gets stronger.

I have taught the 4 year old’s at church Sunday morning for 10 years.

Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.

I taught 5 x a week at various places plus held a job.

  1. Sunday morning to the kids.
  2. Sunday night with the 5th graders
  3. Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs 1st to 5th graders in the public schools. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
  4. Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress,  I did this 2x so far.
  5. Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home.  Most of them only show up because I give them hugs, but I still teach anyway.  I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song of Solomon again!  I love the Song of Songs because it helped me grow more in Love with God better than anything else, this is why I started the Facebook page Song of Songs.

I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me.  My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him like I did.

My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!  This is the whole reason for this blog.

I was told 16 years ago to find a book and really understand it.  Little did I know that I had embarked on trying to understand one of the most misunderstood books in the Bible.  I have read over 52 commentaries on the Song and have memorized it and taught through it twice.  I believe with all my heart that it is a parabolic allegory illustrating God’s love to His enemies through Jesus Christ His Son.  The Song is in the first person, so you put yourself in her shoes and think, feel and do what she is doing and you will experience the Love of God like never before.

God bless you all and may the Lord show you His love over and over again to greater and greater degree’s as you seek to behold His Beauty at the cross!!

Steps to deliverance from continuing in sin, anger, depression and hopelessness.

  1.  Anger is a sin.  Sin is disobedience to God.  God requires us to love our enemies.
    Matthew 5:44

    “I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,”  if you do not have love in your heart for the ones who have done you wrong then you need to confess your sin, repent and believe Jesus paid the penalty for your hatred for the one who did you wrong.  The trials or difficulties in our life expose what is really in our hearts.  Abuse will bring out the hatred within a non-believer or non devoted Christian.  But wrong doing to a believer will bring about prayer for forgiveness for them as Jesus prayed

    Luke 23:34
    “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”  As a Christian who reads their Bible and obeys daily this forgiveness will become more natural.  If you hold in anger, are not joyful but depressed or feel hopeless then you need to read Are you Feeling Guilty of Sin?
  2. Lam. 3:39  We can’t complain about any evil done to us.  We deserve worse. Ps. 103:4-6
  3. See your sin worse than before so that you can not be angry with your enemy.
  4. See your sin in Adam and from birth in order to justify God in all He does. Ps. 51
  5. Know that because of total depravity your enemy could have done worse, but by God’s grace they didn’t.
  6. Think often of what God loves above and beyond our temporal pleasure.  God loves justice and holiness so He punishes sinners.  God loves mercy so He doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve and is slow to anger.  Whatever evil may befall us we deserve worse.
  7. If you are not experiencing the love of God and feel He has abandoned you then the lessons on the Song of Songs will lead you to experiencing the Love of God like never before.  Start Here For Lesson 1
  8. Learn, and train yourself to be “Biblically Happy in Christ in the Bad Times, Go Here
  9. Gods purpose in allowing evil. Man is the author of evil but Here is why God allows sin and evil. Jonathan Edwards on Evil”It is a proper and excellent thing for infinite glory to shine forth; and for the same reason, it is proper that the shining forth of God’s glory should be complete; that is, that all parts of his glory should shine forth, that every beauty should be proportionably effulgent, that the beholder may have a proper notion of God. It is not proper that one glory should be exceedingly manifested, and another not at all. . . .Thus it is necessary, that God’s awful majesty, his authority and dreadful greatness, justice, and holiness, should be manifested. But this could not be, unless sin and punishment had been decreed; so that the shining forth of God’s glory would be very imperfect, both because these parts of divine glory would not shine forth as the others do, and also the glory of his goodness, love, and holiness would be faint without them; nay, they could scarcely shine forth at all.

    If it were not right that God should decree and permit and punish sin, there could be no manifestation of God’s holiness in hatred of sin, or in showing any preference, in his providence, of godliness before it. There would be no manifestation of God’s grace or true goodness, if there was no sin to be pardoned, no misery to be saved from. How much happiness soever he bestowed, his goodness would not be so much prized and admired. . . .

    So evil is necessary, in order to the highest happiness of the creature, and the completeness of that communication of God, for which he made the world; because the creature’s happiness consists in the knowledge of God, and the sense of his love. And if the knowledge of him be imperfect, the happiness of the creature must be proportionably imperfect.”

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Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.

I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.

I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.

If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28

I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.

If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.

16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.

Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.

About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.

As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.

Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.

I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.

I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.

I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.

I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.

I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.

I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.

California at age 26.

I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.

One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.

By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.

I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."

So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.

After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.

I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.

I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.

I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.

The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.

About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.

I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.

Then this life changing advice came:

A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.

In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.

I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.

About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.

I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.

So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.

I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.

Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.

About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.

Then a mission trip to Croatia.

Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.

About 3 years saved now.

I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.

Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.

I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.

Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.

My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!

I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.

God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.

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