Read all of the babe phase with the notes til you understand each verse. Learn what it is God wants you to do and obey! Learn and obey!
The Babe phase is all of Chapter 1 of the Song of Solomon. Listed below are 21 brief facts about the babe, then I write about each one a little more in detail.
Facts about the Babe in Spiritual Growth:
- The babe Has tasted the goodness and love of God. Song of songs 1:2
- This taste is better than the pleasures of sin, better than any other wine. 1:2
- The babe is addicted to this experience of God’s Love. Heaven on earth. 1:2
- The Name of Christ is precious and pleasing to you. 1:3
- You see that it is right for other single maidens to adore him. 1:3
- You desire the closest most intimate relationship with Christ as fast as possible. 1:4
- You realize it is right and proper for the upright to adore Christ.1:4
- The babe has mixed emotions fear of punishment when drawing near. 1:5
- You see your sin for what it is. “Dark” 1:5
- Your coming to understand, though dark your loveliness is a gift. 1:5 and 8:7
- You don’t want to be judged by current or past sins. 1:6
- You have a testimony 1:5-7
- Though ignorant in many ways you desire to be near the one you love therefore finding rest for you soul. 1:7
- You gladly take advice from others in this pursuit of the One you love. 1:8-10
- Understand God’s love at the cross casts out fear of rejection and punishment. 1:9
- You drink up the word of God like a babe desires milk. 1:10
- The babe knows that it is God’s will and promise for you to grow in moral beauty 1:11
- In His presence your name is like perfume poured out.
- Christ is becoming more and more valuable and precious to you. 1:12
- Beholding the Beauty of the Lord is your one desire. 1:14
- The focus of your eyes on the one you love is becoming narrower and more intense. 1:15 “Doves eyes”
- You know this is only the beginning. 1:16
- Firm, beautiful and glorious is Solomon’s house. Dwelling place. 1:17
The Babe and Child phase is also the courtship phase of the Song 1:2-3:5, then some details, then the wedding night, then some ups and downs but they make it thru stronger because of his love. At one level the Song has a story and from that story of Solomon courting a woman we can, with a sanctified understanding, be able to draw out principles for Biblical Courtship out of the courtship portion of the Song 1:2-3:5
Also by way of illustration the Song of Songs teaches us a spiritual idea. The idea of union with God through a mediator is better understood through the marriage union of a Holy King to an enemy. Thus the beginnings of God drawing the soul closer to Himself by His love (Jer. 31:3) is masterfully put on display in the biblical courtship phase of Solomon and his once enemy fiancé.
Video explaining Song 1:2-7
Babe in spiritual growth in more detail Song of Songs 1:2-2
- The babe “has” a new delight, tasting the Love of God through a mediator. Song 1:2 “your love is more delightful than wine.” Only a believer “has” this taste and desire to experience the love of God. Before conversion they had no such taste or relish in the perfections of God. Particularly in this verse. She delights in his love. The unbeliever has not tasted the Love and Grace of God in Christ. She has tasted and experienced God’s goodness and love to her. Before she had no such taste and now she does. Song 1:2 “for your love is more delightful than wine.” The “your love” is obviously Solomon’s love as king. Solomon loved Israel and ruled it righteously and justly. She has experienced his love in a general sense and wants him to marry her because she has now tasted his love and it is more delightful than anything else. the babe or infant Christian has this new taste or relish of the heart in experiencing the Love of God. Their was a change made in what you place your happiness in. Before it was sin and now your happiness is obeying and enjoying God.
- This taste is better than sin, better than any other wine. Obedience is BETTER THAN. You are realizing that reading your Bible and obeying is better than not reading it. Prayer, worship, talking to Christians and going to church is now more delightful than anything else. The things of religion are now more delightful. You get more pleasure out of doing them than not. More delightful to your soul. Better. It is better to confess sin and repent. This is tasting God’s love. Reading your Bible and Christian books is more delightful than reading any other book. Understanding God’s love to you is more delightful than family or the love of friends. There is “no greater love”. It is higher, deeper, wider and longer than any other. It tastes better, fully satisfies and never ends. “Taste and see that the Lord is good” . “Blessed is the man that feareth the Lord, that delighteth greatly in his commandments.” Psalm 112:1 God’s command is to LOVE. Your greatest delight is in understanding God’s love to you through Christ and loving others. Being selfish is becoming less and less delightful and more and more grievous, because His love is more delightful than wine. MORE. It is More delightful. Do you want more delight? Ask God to show you His love over and over again and purposefully denying your old self in the love of God and others. This experience of God’s love to you, through you and to others is more delightful than anything else. This taste/experience is better than wine.
- The babe is addicted to God showing her His Love. Loving because He first loved us becomes addicting because it is better. Since it is better you will want it more than anything else. This love is unyielding and growing. God letting the babe understand and experience His love is addicting. Ask yourself why do you read, memorize, meditate and obey? Because the love of Christ compels you. (2 Cor. 5:14, Jer. 31:3)and the Holy Spirit revealing the Love of Christ to her, this is God wooing you by His Love in your longing for Him (Jer. 31:3), searching and running after him desiring more of him all the way closer and closer to the One you love. Song 1:2-4 The babe is addicted to this new taste since it is better they want this experience multiple times. “kisses” or shows of affection. Show me your love. Let me get a grasp of your love. Experience your love over and over again. This is how the babe is trained in obedience. It feels better to obey than not obey so they want to experience God’s love over and over again. This is expressed in her words “kisses”. She wants multiple displays of affection and doesn’t want them to stop. The babe is addicted to God showing her His Love.
- The Name of Christ is precious, valuable and pleasing like rare perfumes. Solomon’s name was like perfume poured out. She was a slave he was a king. She needed redemption, he could set her free. She wanted sanctification, no one else on earth could sanctify her better and faster. She was single and he was infinitely wise and loving therefore the perfect husband. Delightfully thinking about Solomon’s name, character and will is illustrated by the richness and pleasantness of the best perfume.
- You see that it is right for other single maidens to adore him. 1:3 Solomon would have been the perfect husband, gifted with infinite wisdom and knowledge, he loved Israel, he was king of kings in Jerusalem, prince of peace, son of David in whom the promises were fulfilled, he also had wealth and honor like no one before him or after. God’s glory was on display like no other in Solomon’s kingdom, temple, and marriage. 1 Kings 3:13. By her own testimony in Song 5:10 and following, Solomon was radiant yet humble, chief among ten thousand, hated sin, loved righteousness, perfectly loving, his lips spoke precious truth, his leadership was flawless and precious like pure gold, everything he did was just right. He was perfect marriage material!! All sufficient for every duty as king of Israel, shepherd and husband.
- You desire the closest most intimate relationship with Christ as fast as possible. 1:4 Here you see that it is right for upright individuals to pursue a close intimate relationship with a godly man as fast as possible, because his love is more delightful than wine. “Let us hurry” 1:4. Don’t waist any time. Get to it! Now!! “Redeem the time for the days are evil.”
- You realize it is right and proper for the upright to adore Christ.1:4 You will start to be convicted that many things that were quote unquote “okay to do” are now sinful. You see “How right they are to adore him.” or “It is right for the upright to adore him.” either way holiness is written on you heart when God reveals His love to you. The more holiness you have the more you can discern right from wrong. Here you see that it is right for upright individuals to adore him. “Rejoice in him.” “Praise him.”1:4
- The babe has mixed emotions seemingly opposite qualities. 1:5
- You see your sin for what it is. “Dark” 1:5 Dark/sunburnt because of disobeying God and not taking care of her vineyard 1:6. God would want you to take care of your vineyard. Not doing what God would want you to do is sin. You seeing sin for what it is, a greater and greater offense to infinite Majesty. Sin is against a Great God, therefore we deserve a great infinite punishment from Him. You offended Him by not obeying Him. You deserve Hell! Yes, I do deserve Hell. This thought should provoke fear of God punishing you because you deserve God to punish you, if you understand what you did and fear Him punishing you then this is good because you deserve His Wrath. You are dark. You had a sinful past and it has left its sunburnt mark on you. We are not worthy of His Love and Grace. We are worthy of His Wrath and strict Justice as enemies of God. This is why she says “Do not stare at me” She feels he may treat her as her sins deserve. Here is fear of punishment. “Perfect love casts out all fear, because fear has to do with punishment” She was a born enemy of Solomon’s father and deserved death, but Solomon had grace and put them in slave labor. She neglected her vineyard. She was also a natural born enemy of Solomon’s father 1 Kings 9:20-23, 2 Chronicles 8:8.
- Your coming to understand, though dark your loveliness is a gift. 1:5 and 8:7
- Christ’s loveliness in His gift to her that makes her lovely. Your righteousness comes from Christ as a gift. 2 Cor. 5:21, Jer. 23:6, Romans 1:17. Christ lived a perfect life and credits His life to your account as if you lived His life. He takes your sin away and rewards you as if you lived the perfect life of Jesus. What is lovely is her holiness which consists in Love to God, Christ in her. Love is the sum of the law. Matt 22:36-40. The law is written on her heart. Ez. 36:26. This is putting on the breastplate of righteousness talked about in Eph. 6. The armor is learned how to be put on and kept on in greater degree’s of strictness.
- She is morally lovely because of the faithfulness and righteousness of the coming Messiah, “The Lord our righteousness”. More than likely her first convictions of the True God and His Messiah came from hearing of the fame of Solomon. Solomon loved God and Israel and was an infinitely wise and faithful king til the end of his life. But at the peak of it all Solomon’s reign proved to be the best illustration of the Kingdom of God in Israel during the reign of Christ.
- She will be more lovely in her future. Her loveliness in the future is not only dependent on God but also the righteousness of her husband. His job is to provide for her and sanctify her through his love and faithfulness. The more faithful and righteous the husband the lovelier the wife will be. The better he keeps his promises to sanctify her the lovelier she will be. Her progress in sanctification, or becoming more like Christ depends on Solomon keeping his promises. In 1:11 Solomon promises to make her more beautiful. Growth in knowledge of and love to God will make her more beautiful. The husband needs to be equipped to do this not only by knowledge but experience as well.
- You don’t want to be judged by current or past sins. 1:6 “Do not stare at me.” The babe will often find themselves in the presence of others more mature than they are. They will feel as if God, a future spouse or other christians may judge, despise or reject them due to their current or past sins. Her feelings are expressed in “Do not stare at me” They will also feels as if God should reject and punish them. This is normal as a babe draws near to God. They haven’t learned to balance their emotions Song 1:5. The babe has mixed emotions and learns how to balance them so that they can grow.
- The babe has a testimony 1:5-6 Your testimony is what God has done in your life. How it is that you got to this place in life in your relationship with God. Your testimony is attest to, or give witness to his or her personal knowledge or experience with reference to your new life. God has revealed to you that you are “Dark yet lovely.” etc. They do not have assurance of salvation but they do have some sort of testimony. Viewing the love of God will change your life. You will have a dark past and a promising growing future. In the past you have neglected your “vineyard” 1:6 Your vineyard is your relationship with God. You have neglected it. You have been disobedient to God. “All have sinned” Romans 3:23. Foxes/sins destroy your relationship with God. You must catch the foxes that destroy your growing relationship with God. Don’t let anything stop you, be like an unstoppable horse in battle. The foxes destroy your ability to produce fruit for God. Song 2:15.
- Though ignorant in many ways you desire to be near the one you love, in so doing you find rest for your soul. 1:7 The cry of your heart is “How can I get close to the one I love” How can I get close to God? How do I grow? What do I do? The babe is full of questions. They don’t know much, but they sure are hungry to learn, so reading as often as they can and obey is their main business. “Rest” the rest you find is in this reading and obeying. Your happiness is in learning and doing. God lets you experience the greatest joy in reading His word and obeying. Though you don’t know much keep going and learning and loving God and others as you behold His understand and delight in His love for you.
- You gladly take advice from others in this pursuit of the One you love. 1:8-10. The babe is often learning. Often asking questions. “Tell me you whom I love…” They are much in asking questions and not much for giving sound advice. What they do know they proclaim, but for the most part they are learning.
- The babe learns by example. “Follow the tracks of the sheep” They see others doing so they do. Others say these things I say these things. A hypocrite does this also but a babe does these because experiencing God’s love through Christian duties is more delightful than not doing them. This is good, they know they are ignorant and ask for help. What do you do they ask to the pastor or more mature friend things like “How do you pray, fast and witness?” and How do I get close to God? How do I grow? How do I know God’s will for me.”
- Understand God’s love at the cross casts out fear of rejection and punishment. 1:9 In pursuit of the one she love the babe is compared to a beautiful horse. Unstoppable in battle, fearless, no fear of the wrath or punishment of God. Swift and persevering despite the difficulty and often condemning conscience. The Babe will often fear the punishment of God. By understand God’s love at the cross will banish fear of punishment. Because fear of punishment comes from not believing Christ took your punishment. If you believed he took the wrath of God for you, then you wouldn’t fear His wrath. The babe keeps seeing God and His holiness and this reveals their sin to themselves over and over again so they often condemn themselves. Feeling guilty is good. Confessing sin is good. And even feeling condemnation when continuing in sin is good. But feeling condemnation for past sins is not good. Do not forgive yourself. Ask God to forgive you!! A real babe need not condemn himself because there is no condemnation for those whom Christ died for and are clothed in His Righteousness. So through lack of knowing what to do with these convictions of sin, hell, Judgement, they fear God’s wrath. Greater revelations of Christ to the heart will do that. Peter wanted Jesus to go away after He saw the Glory of Christ. Luke 5:8 “Go away from me Lord, for I am a sinful man!” and even a spiritual father like John will still fear the wrath of God when Christ is revealed to a greater degree. Rev. 1:12-17 “Do not be afraid” 1:17 of Him who is holy and other than you for He has sent His Son Jesus Christ to be a Wrath averting sacrifice for you. Have no fear of rejection, condemnation or Him despising you a sinner. Draw near to Him without fear of rejection. Once your enemy now your friend. His love to you through a Mediator will cast out all fear!! Song 1:5-8 and 1 John 4:17-18 NEVER STOP ASKING GOD TO SHOW YOU HIS LOVE, GOD WANTING US TO SEE HIS LOVE IS THE WHOLE POINT OF EVERYTHING PSALM 136, OR MOSES in Exodus “SHOW ME YOUR GLORY” OR the Psalmist in PS 27:4″ONE THING YOU DESIRE IS TO BEHOLD THE BEAUTY OF THE LORD JESUS CHRIST” If your life is truly changing then it is because you are, 2 Corinthians 3:18, “beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.” Understand God’s love for you so that you hear your Lord, Saviour and Husband say, “I liken you my darling to a mare, beautiful, lovely, swift, and no fear of punishment.” Like the best swiftest more fearless warhorse in battle.
- Within the fear of punishment is the feeling that you have not been cleansed from your past sins. 2 Pt. 1:9.
- These babes are “near sighted and blind.” 2 Pt. 1:9
- You drink up the word of God like a babe desires milk. 1:10 Babes long for the word of God so that they can grow. 1 Pt. 2:2 “like newborn babies, long for the pure milk of the word, so that by it you may grow in respect to salvation, 3 if you have tasted the kindness of the Lord.” You should feel like your soul is dying if you don’t read your bible often. It should be more delightful than any other book. You should be hooked on it more than any other learning. If not then your either deep in sin or not saved. Those who have the flame of God in them want to grow. “so that by it you may grow” One of the main keys to your growth depends on how often you read and obey!! Read with the intent of obeying then obey. Reading and obey will be more delightful than not reading and disobeying. Psalm 112:1 “How blessed is the man who fears the Lord, Who greatly delights in His commandments.” Psalm 119:47 “I shall delight in Your commandments, Which I love.” Treasure it in your heart! 119:9-11 How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word. 10 With all my heart I have sought You. Do not let me wander from Your commandments. 11 Your word I have treasured in my heart, That I may not sin against You.
- The babe knows that it is God’s will and promise for you to grow in moral beauty. 1:11 Solomon promises to sanctify her. The jewels in 1:10 represent the commands and love of God on her heart. She is morally beautiful. Then Solomon says “We will make you earrings of gold studded with silver” She showed up on their first date. Beautiful and decked out with Jewels that he adorned her with. He says she is beautiful with virtuous jewels. Her moral beauty, holiness and love to God is beautiful and he will make her more beautiful. This is the job of the Husband. The song lays out how the husband does this. Knowing how the Solomon sanctifies his wife throughout the Song will give the Husband confidence to say “I will make you more beautiful.” This is the courtship phase of the Song as well. So men if you are courting then, iron should be able to sharpen iron. Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. Imagine the type of person Solomon would have to be in order to do this. Solomon was the lesser Christ. Not Christ, but a type.
- In His presence your name is like perfume poured out. 1:12 His name is like perfume poured out in Song 1:3 and now in his presence her name pours forth it’s perfume. In the presence of Solomon she was filled with “love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” Gal. 5:22-23 The praises Solomon gave her in 1:9-10 helped your to see the work of God in her. Her swift and fearless character in 1:9 and her love and faithfulness in 1:10. And then he says he will make her more beautiful!! Now add the fact that she was an enemy and now she is seated at his table. “While the king was at his table.” Can you imagine her love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” These things that are precious and valuable about her were pouring forth their fragrance in his presence and as he spoke to her!! Okay she might be losing a little bit of self control by now, but you get the point. Her thoughts are in dream land and filled with Solomon, (who’s name is like perfume poured out Song 1:3) then she says. “My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.” v.12
- Christ is becoming more and more valuable and precious to you. 1:12
- She compares Solomon to a sachet of myrrh. Myrrh is valuable, precious, and pleases our senses. She is thinking very highly of Solomon by now. She is in Solomon’s presence experiencing the Love of God through him
- The myrrh is resting close to her bosom.
- Beholding the Beauty of the Lord is your one desire. 1:14 Imagine you are in a desert, a dry and weary land where there is no water and only sand as far as you can see. After days of hard labor in the sun your eyes spy a cluster of henna blossoms!! What beauty, what hope. There is life out here in the desert. She is comparing Solomon to the beautiful henna blossoms. She is in forced labor, miserable and poor. Solomon looks absolutely beautiful to her. He gives her hope of a new life. A holy verses a sinful life. A queen and not a slave. Honored and not rejected. Oh, how beautiful he is.
- The focus of your eyes on the one you love is becoming narrower and more intense. 1:15 “Doves eyes” Doves do not have peripheral vision. They can only look straight ahead. The babe is so fired up that even though they stumble and fall they get back up with their doves eyes focused on the love of God. The babe that is growing keeps their eyes straight ahead on their goal. They do not look to the left or to the right. As their doves eyes behold His Love, His Doves Eyes of Love they are likened to “the eyes of doves by the rivers of waters, washed with milk, and fitly set.” Song 5:12 His Eyes of Love are fitly set on you and your eyes are set on Him. Keep them there He gave them to you for that purpose.
- You know this is only the beginning. 1:16 “verdant” I take this to mean that their resting place, them being together is green, just getting started. The phrase “Our bed is verdant” can also refer to the rest experienced when the two of them are together. The babe knows its past life, they know what’s going on now and they know that there is a long road ahead. They know they are immature, saved yes, they don’t know it, but this drinking up the Word of God, going to church learning God’s will, etc. All of this is just the beginning. This bed is verdant.
- Firm, beautiful and glorious is Solomon’s house. Dwelling place. 1:17 “House” is a place of dwelling. Their dwelling place. They are not married, this is the courtship phase, so clearly this is a mental dwelling place. Cedars and firs are references to things the temple was made of. When a Jewish mind thought about the temple they would think of God’s love to them in substitutionary atonement. Meaning that a blood sacrifice is need in order for their sins to be forgiven. The babe will soon keep her mind on Jesus and what he did for her. This is the happiest place for her mind to be and also Solomon’s. They have a mutual delight in thinking about God’s love in providing a sacrificial Lamb that made way for God to dwell in their hearts through faith. Dwelling place is cedars and firs means that their mind dwelling on Christ’s sacrifice. There is an ocean of love to think about here. This is the only thing David wanted Psalm 27:4
Other important things to learn and do:
- Learn everything in the catechism. Obeying all your convictions. You have to agree with it all. Especially things like Hell being a place of Eternal Torment. That you are a sinner in need of salvation. That you deserve God Wrath forever, but desire His Love and Grace through Christ. That salvation is through Christ alone through Faith and that gift of Christ and faith, and these not of ourselves but they are gifts of God to believers.
- Read Jonathan Edwards letter to a new believer.
- Then look ahead to the child phase to see what it is all about so you can recognize when your becoming a child. Then when you become a child with assurance of your salvation satan will quickly throw lies to get you to doubt God’s love, disprove your sonship and get you to disobey God. So look to the young man to see how to fight and win. ( You can look at the child and young man and strong young man and Father, and I recommend to do so, but no need to really learn about the strong young man in detail and try to do what he does. It may do some help here and there but you won’t get far if your foundation is weak.)
- Babe phase Song of Songs 1:2-1:17
- Basics of the Child Phase 2-3:5
- Young man 3:6-5:1
- Strong young man 5:2-8:4
- Father/Mother fully adorned 8:5-8:14
DON’T UNDERVALUE THE BABE PHASE, especially if you are somewhat mature and reading this for the first time!! Chances are you may not be growing because something of the basics of Christian growth is missing! You will learn these in the Babe Phase. YOU WILL NEED TO KNOW AND PRACTICE THESE THINGS EVEN IF YOU ARE A CHILD, YOUNG MAN OR STRONG YOUNG MAN. But the father knows how to do the babe phase and has “put away childish things”.
The Babe phase is the beginning phase of every Christian, they all started here. Most Christians are in this phase. What you don’t understand in this phase needs to be learned and obeyed in order for you to grow to be a Child. But the babes are just starting off. No small start though because they have the flame of God in them Song 8:6. They will be unstoppable in their desire to get closer to God, to love Him to learn more about Him so they can obey Him, repenting of the old life.
Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.
I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.
I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.
If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28
I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.
If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.
Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.
About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.
As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.
Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.
I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.
I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.
I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.
I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.
I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.
I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.
California at age 26.
I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.
One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.
By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.
I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."
So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.
After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.
I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.
I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.
I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.
The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.
About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.
I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.
Then this life changing advice came:
A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.
In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.
I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.
About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.
I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.
So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.
I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.
Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.
About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.
Then a mission trip to Croatia.
Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.
About 3 years saved now.
I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.
Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.
I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.
Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.
My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!
I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.
God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.