Holy Emotional Highs
Loves intensity can be at different levels.
It can be felt when feeling loved. Even though you are loved it may not feel that way sometimes. Other times you can really feel it. And there are some special times where the experience of the love of Jesus Christ gets to a point where 1 It is more delightful than any other experience Song 1:2-3. 2 Your body can’t physically sustain itself Solomon’s Song of songs 2:4-6 3 You can drink up as much as you want 5:1. 4 Give all of yourself to Jesus, always, as soon as He calls. 7:9-12 5 Look forward to the greatest drink of love ever when He returns to pick up His bride and she see’s his face in all it’s unveiled glory in the most beautific vision. 8:14
It can be felt to greater and greater degree’s of duration and intensity.
In the first section of the greatest love poem that a great king of peace and Messiah of Israel wrote the woman he was courting felt love to greater and greater degree’s of intensity to the point were her body could not hold itself up with it’s own strength.
Imagine thinking about all the ways someone has loved you to the point where you physically can’t stand anymore!
In her words she says,
“Strengthen me with raisins and refresh me with apples for I am faint with love.” Solomon’s Song of Songs 2:5
Then she passes out and he is there tenderly and affectionately holding her. From her vantage point she says
“His left hand is under my head and his right embraces me.“
My main point in this post is to let you know that if you are a true Christian that God wants you to experience His Love to greater and greater degree’s and if it so happens you also will not be able to stand.
At the movies. Have you ever been in a movie and the person is crying and you cry. Or they laugh and you laugh. Or they feel good and you feel good. Humans have an ability to empathize and feel the emotions of other’s. We will put ourselves in their situation and feel what they are feeling. Want to sense love, then think about what it would be like to be the woman falling in love with a great type of Jesus Christ in the love Song.
The Song is divided up into parts. The first section is “Arousal”. For she says, “Under the apple tree I aroused you.” This arousal is not sexual. But her feelings for and desire for him increase. He loves her and expresses his love to her in an increasing manner. Meaning that in this section their feelings get aroused toward each other to greater and greater heights and depths. She both feels loved to greater and greater levels of intensity and feels greater and greater love to him. The arousal section is a vehement spark that starts when she first see’s him at his first anointing. She desires him and he takes her to his chambers. She wants to be near him at noon. They go on their first date that ends with her passing physically not able to stand as she mediates or thinks about all the ways in which he has shown love to her that day. This arousal section goes from Song 1:2-2:6
God is love. God wants you to know what love is in the mind and sense it in your heart. The woman in the Love Song knew what love was. She had experienced it through God’s beloved son, Jedidiah, the king of peace Solomon the first day she met him. What was it like? It was more delightful than wine, caused her to want to be near him as soon as possible, caused her to think highly of him, caused her to highly value him, he became precious in her eyes, caused her to be willing to give up her life in order to have him close to her heart. And on and on. to the point where she drinks up his love in her mind until she grows faint.
You also can experience God’s love to greater and greater degree’s of intensity just by mediating on truths in certain orders with a pure heart. Im not saying you have to be practically perfect but you do have to be positionally perfect in Christ and not living in known sin for a decent amount of time in order to experience God’s love in an increasing manner. Not saying that your obedience will earn God’s favor toward you but that your mind and heart must be able to meditate on God and the truths of Scripture in a way that affects your heart and gives it a delight more delightful than any other experience. A piece of heaven on earth for heaven is a place of love.
These experiences are in God’s timing and you can’t arouse or awaken love until it desires for love is Sovereign. Love is also free and priceless so you can’t do anything to earn this privilege for Jesus Christ has earned it for you.
Here is me trying to be humble. I do not want to take credit for anything good God does for me. I deserve nothing and am less than nothing apart from God, yet at the same time I would like to encourage those true believers out there that God is immensely Good and wants you to be fully satisfied in Him alone. He weans you off your sin and draw you closer by His Love and the delightful experience of it. I have experienced this overwhelming river of pleasure for an hour about twice, for about two hours another time and I have no clue how long another time. Where I could not move for my body couldn’t but my mind was much on the excellencies of Jesus Christ, particularly at the cross. I don’t want to say that it was only delight and happiness. Or joy and peace beyond my imagination but also what seems to be a mix of what would seem to be apposing emotions all at the same time. “Rejoice with trembling” Psalm 2:11
For me it starts with a spark that turns to a flame wether it be sweet or previous due to my sin differs, but a flame non the less then as time goes on in the same day, usually fasting, I have the day off, my phone off and only time is for the One I love. And the flame gets hotter, meditations can be easy or hard to keep focus, all the while being sensitive to the Spirit, to not grieve him with pride, selfishness or unbelief. High thoughts of Him for longer periods of time that result in praise or worship is also key. Wether it be praise, adoration, meditation on the cross, a verse or God’s glory in nature, or his love to me from the foundation of the world until now and on into eternity, each one being a delightful kiss of love that my thirsty soul drinks up, God tends to increase desire then fill it, repenting of wrong idea’s of God thus purifying my heart so I can see God, confessing unbelief, following convictions, thoughts of hell to increase joy, but generally the goal is to think higher and higher about Jesus, who He is, what He is like, what He has done for me and promises for longer times with purer motives.
I would say, Just pretend to be the woman in the Love Song and you will experience the love of God as she did. Though this is true to some degree, but you can’t put love in a box. Meaning you can’t think this thought then that thought then the next and you are guaranteed the most delightful experience. God/Jesus Christ wants a personal relationship with you, so He will personalize your relationship with Him. It’s principles of love, faith and humility that must be followed. If you have no idea what Im talking about here then that’s okay. Give it some time, fill your mind often and with lots of Scripture, get to know Jesus, who He is, what he is like and what he has done for you and promises, have faith filled prayers, lots of trials, lots of suffering for Christ’s sake and increase the length of time and degree of humility in your prayers and meditations and increase your sensitivity to what the Spirit wants of you by obeying Him sooner and no matter what and you will soon know though all of this does not earn you the right to be nearer to God but the fruit of your love to Him will draw Him closer. “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” James.
God is immense and his love is infinite. Love from a human is nice and delightful how much more delightful is it to be in a love relationship with God through Jesus Christ!!
I will tell you what ruins the experience every time is when my eye goes off of Jesus and I think what a great experience I am having and am pridefully thinking highly of myself wether I notice it at the time or not. If i notice it and God is merciful, much sorrow ensues. But generally as I tried to extend the time spent praying and meditating on truth, I would often think “How spiritual I am” rather than giving Jesus the credit for doing the work in me. Getting sinfully prideful about high religious experiences is easy. Spiritual pride will make you feel more self righteous and believe you deserved and earned the experience but you can’t buy love.
True, yes, I am much more spiritual than before as the outer man decays and my inner man is renewed day by day. Yet pride and confidence in myself would rise with such thoughts mainly due to my immaturity and lack of experience in this area. “Dark am I, yet lovely” ought to be in my heart with proper emotions and balanced.
A Side note. This is a side note as to false and true religious experiences.
Benny Hinn took this concept to far and people were passing out all over stage, due to more of a show and type of what I call Satanic hypnosis.
The devil will always masquerade as an angel of light, but his experiences always tend to not transform a person into being more loving but actually harden a person in their sin.
So if your experience of what you believe to be the Love of God enables you to live a holier and less sinful life because the love of God has been shed abroad in your heart then the experience is of God. If your life is still the same pattern of sin then the experience is more than likely not of God. The experience if of a Holy God who is love also when all sin is repented of and your not hanging onto any one particular sin because love is universal and changes the whole heart, life and person. Not that you will be perfect but that every area of your life that you know you ought to be doing, you will be headed that direction.
41 Keep watching and praying that you may not enter into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
1 Corinthians 15:43
43 it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power.
1 Peter 1:8Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joyunspeakable and full of glory:
“The text we are upon speaks of “joy unspeakable, and full of glory.” And who that considers what man’s nature is, and what the nature of the affections is, can reasonably doubt but that such unutterable and glorious joys, may be too great and mighty for weak dust and ashes, so as to be considerably overbearing to it? It is evident by the Scripture that true divine discoveries, or ideas of God’s glory, when given in a great degree have a tendency, by affecting the mind, to overbear the body”JE
The bride to be was “faint” and weak thinking of all the ways in which he is loving and has loved her. Her body could not hold herself up.
4 “He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love.
5 Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am faint with love.
6 His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me.” Solomon’s Song of Songs 2:4-6
My point here is that if just a human experience of love can cause a woman to grow faint and physically weak so that she was being held by her lover in the banquet hall.
HOW MUCH MORE SO WOULD THE CONTEMPLATIONS OF THE LOVE OF JESUS CHRIST IN AN INCREASING MANNER DO TO OUR WEAK BODIES!!
The first drink or taste of his love was at his anointing when she fell in love with him for the first time and it was more delightful than wine. Song 1:2-4.
The second drink she is at the banquet hall and his banner over her is love and she has been in his private chambers, rejoiced and delighted in him, had balanced emotions “Dark am I, yet lovely, accepted by him, adored by him, praised by him, made promises to, looked at by his loving and peaceful doves eyes, dwelt with him in luxury and praised some more then brought to a banquet hall were his banner over her was love and she passes out in his arms. Overwhelmed by his love. Now this is only Solomon. She is experiencing God’s love through the greatest type of Jesus Christ alive at the time and on the first date his love has effected her heart so much that her body can’t physically hold itself up anymore! How much more so would our bodies feel the weakness of the flesh when the love of Jesus Christ is being poured out into our hearts as we think of all the ways He loves us. So long as we have a pure heart for”Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God” and taste God who is love to the degree that it is possible that the body will not be able to hold itself up or get up. Stay humble and keep your emotions holy and balanced. “Rejoice with Trembling.” Psalm 2:11
The third drink is in Song 5:1 where she and him get to drink their fill!! Meaning how much do you desire to experience the Love of God through the one/One who loves you? How thirsty are you?
Warning!! “Do not arouse or awaken love until It desires.” Song 2:7
But when God desires then you can drink up as much as your hearts content. There is an infinite ocean out there and your heart can only drink a drop or two but if your really hungry for whatever level you desire, God will fill it! When He wants and if your thoroughly humbled, repentant and beholding the Glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ for great and greater lengths of time with more and more intensity and blameless in life for she was “flawless”. A piece of heavenly love here on earth as big as your heart desires and can handle is the 3rd drink. Be being filled with a river of pleasure that never runs dry.
I don’t see her getting a fourth drink of his love. I suppose this is the final drink she is waiting for at the end of the Song.
Now, I do see her giving him a drink of her love. “Spiced or mixed wine” in Chapter 7. Which is his/His image in her, holiness, her love to the greatest height, depth, width and length thus far. This fourth drink is for him. Its a labor of love. She has labored in service to his will alone and it’s all for him/Him alone to drink up, but her happiness is place in His, so that she is happy because He is pleased with her. Francis on Laboring in love.
Now some may say, “I have left all for Jesus Christ, I am living as righteous as I believe possible and my thoughts are often and long on the Love of Jesus Christ and I have not felt such things.”
Look closely at the reason you think God should pour out His Love to you in such a manner. Is it because you think you deserve it? Is it because you think you have humbled yourself and left all for Christ that he now owes you a great experience of His love? “If someone were to give everything he owned for love, the offer would be utterly despised.” Song 8:7. Jesus Christ, your Heavenly Bridegroom is holding back because you think you deserve it or believe you have done something to earn his better favors. This is self righteousness. Doesn’t God give us love and Grace. Grace is us getting something we don’t deserve. So you must constantly have the idea that you don’t deserve His Love but Jesus Christ has bought and earned it for us by His blood!! It took the life of Jesus Christ, the Son of God in flesh in order to be of enough infinite worth to purchase the Holy Spirit without measure to give to us and indwell us, and shed abroad in our hearts. Apart from being untied to Jesus Christ we deserve nothing but the Lake of fire!!
If you have had no such experience God owes you none and may be saving the best for last. The longer you wait the greater the enlargement of your heart to handle more.
Also if the experience of His love seems far off this is okay as well because this will only increase your desire and He will fill it all the more.
Also, look to every area of your heart, look to your conscience. Is it clear or are you living in some known sin. Confess and then repent of all sin, fight, fight some more, keep winning the battles and cleanse your hands and purify your hearts. I would like to say that you can’t experience the love of God to high degree’s if your living in sin, but rarely I do believe the Lord will bless a repentant heart that day with a flood of love, felt greater than ever before just for the fact that when He does do it that you will definitely know that you didn’t deserve it so that you give Him all the glory!!
The Psalmist, speaking of the vehement religious affections he had, speaks of an effect in his flesh or body, besides what was in his soul, expressly distinguishing one from the other, once and again: Psal. 84:2, “My soul longeth, yea, even fainteth for the courts of the Lord: my heart and my flesh crieth out for the living God.” Here is a plain distinction between the heart and the flesh, as being each affected. So Psal. 63:1, “My soul thirsteth for thee, my flesh longeth for thee, in a dry and thirsty land, where no water is.” Here also is an evident designed distinction between the soul and the flesh.
The prophet Habakkuk speaks of his bodies being overborne by a sense of the majesty of God, Hab. 3:16: “When I heard, my belly trembled: my lips quivered at the voice: rottenness enter into my bones, and I trembled in myself.” So the Psalmist speaks expressly of his flesh trembling, Psal. 119:120: My flesh trembleth for fear of thee.”
That such ideas of God’s glory as are sometimes given in this world, have a tendency to overhear the body, is evident, because the Scripture gives us an account, that this has sometimes actually been the effect of those external manifestations God has made of himself to some of the saints which were made to that end, viz., to give them an idea of God’s majesty and glory. Such instances we have in the prophet Daniel, and the apostle John. Daniel, giving an account of an external representation of the glory of Christ, says, Dan. 10:8, “And there remained no strength in me; for my comeliness was turned into corruption, and I retained no strength.” And the apostle John, giving an account of the manifestation made to him, says, Rev. 1:17, “And when I saw him, I fell at his feet as dead.” It is in vain to say here, these were only external manifestations or symbols of the glory of Christ, which these saints beheld: for though it be true, that they were outward representations of Christ’s glory, which they beheld with their bodily eyes; yet the end and use of these external symbols are representations was to give to these prophets an idea of the thing represented, and that was the true divine glory and majesty of Christ, which is his spiritual glory; they were made use of only as significations of this spiritual glory, and thus undoubtedly they received them, and improved them, and were affected by them. According to the end for which God intended these outward signs, they received by them a great and lively apprehension of the real glory and majesty of God’s nature, which they were signs of; and thus were greatly affected, their souls swallowed up, and their bodies overborne. And I think they are very bold and daring, who will say God cannot, or shall not give the like clear and affecting ideas and apprehensions of the same real glory and majesty of his nature, to any of his saints, without the intervention of any such external shadows of it.
Before I leave this head, I would farther observe, that it is plain the Scripture often makes use of bodily effects, to express the strength of holy and spiritual affections; such as trembling, groaning, being sick, crying out, panting, and fainting. Now if it be supposed, that these are only figurative expressions, to represent the degree of affection: yet I hope all will allow, that they are fit and suitable figures to represent the high degree of those spiritual affections, which the Spirit of God makes use of them to represent; which I do not see how they would be, if those spiritual affections, let them be in never to high a degree, have no tendency to any such things; but that on the contrary, they are the proper effects and sad tokens of false affections, and the delusion of the devil. I cannot think, God would commonly make use of things which are very alien from spiritual affections, and are shrewd marks of the hand of Satan, and smell strong of the bottomless pit, as beautiful figures, to represent the high degree of holy and heavenly affections.Jonathan Edwards
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Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.
I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.
I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.
If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28
I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.
If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.
Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.
About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.
As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.
Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.
I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.
I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.
I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.
I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.
I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.
I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.
California at age 26.
I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.
One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.
By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.
I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."
So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.
After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.
I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.
I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.
I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.
The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.
About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.
I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.
Then this life changing advice came:
A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.
In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.
I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.
About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.
I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.
So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.
I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.
Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.
About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.
Then a mission trip to Croatia.
Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.
About 3 years saved now.
I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.
Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.
I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.
Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.
My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!
I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.
God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.
Thank you for this!
Your welcome! God bless you deer sister.
Thanks:) Also, I sent you an email a few days ago. Just a friendly hello, as I was excited to run across your website and see your passion for Christ Jesus, as especially expressed in the Song of Songs! Let me know if you didn’t get the email, as maybe I sent it to the wrong address. I’d be happy to just post it all here in a comment, but it was longer so thought it more appropriate to email.
I feel better responding publicly verses email. I always like the input of women because the song is very emotional and is written in the first person from a woman’s perspective. She is often explaining her feelings in words and actions. I tend to be more logical than emotional so I won’t see as much as the emotion behind the words and actions as some people will. I read the post you had were you said you were happy to get to know the woman in the song and were explaining all her feelings. I like to read that perspective. It’s Saturday! Yeah, I get to spend all day writing and studying the Song. God bless you!