The beloved wanted to hear the sweet voice of the one he loved and said,

“Show me your face, let me hear your voice.  For you face is lovely, and your voice is sweet.”   Solomon’s Song of Songs 2:14

He wanted to her to talk to him handsome face to lovely face and listen to her sincerely pour out her thoughts and feelings so that they could get closer.

This lesson is for the men.  I will speak to the men in a manner in which I believe most men will understand.  I don’t mean to offend any women.

Her feelings are very important to her more than what you think.  How she feels at the moment is important.  She will go on and on and on sometimes just because she wants you to listen and understand.

Feelings are sensed.

Good feelings are Love, Delight, happy, joyful, Glad, grateful, contentment, satisfaction, pity, holy jealousy, zeal, awe, empathy and desire.

Bad feelings are Lovesick, Fear, Stressed, being upset, hatred, Being angry, sinful jealousy, worried, Anxiety, depressed/downcast, disgust, guilt, shame, envy, despair, confusion and lust.

If she is feeling upset, then she may either just want/need you to

1 Just listen.

2 Understand

3 Listen and understand.

4 Listen, understand and shepherd her emotions closer to God.

5 Listen, understand, shepherd her heart and fix the situation.

“What do you want from me?”

More often than not they want us men to just listen and understand and not get out our tool box and fix the situation.  I was totally a toolbox kind of guy and not a listener.   Jesus says to first take the plank out of your own eye then you can help other’s.   Although I still have much to learn, I have learned some things, so I will share those with you.

You have to listen to her.   What does listening mean to her.

1  It means you listen with both ears and eyes.   Look at her.   You love her.  She wants you to listen.

2  Verbalize your readiness to listen.  In the Love Song he says it this way.  “Show me your face, let me hear your voice for your face is lovely and your voice is sweet.”  Song 2:14

3 If need be, listen to her without any other distractions.  Turn the TV off!  Put the kids to bed.   Go for a walk together.  If driving, then pull the car over if need be.

4  Repeat back to her, using some of her words what she said

5 Clarify words and definitions.  Her meaning of a words and yours may be different.

6 What she says and what she means may be different because it’s often hard to express or feelings in words.

7 Stopping along the way for clarification is good sometimes but don’t interrupt.  If she thinks you are interrupting, then that’s not love or listening.   Sitting there eye to eye listening for 30 minutes is better than a night of arguing.

8 Included in listening is watching her body language, facial expression and tone of voice.  Hopefully, sooner than later you will know what she is feeling just by looking at her.

9 While listening we may often think of what we want to say and lose track of what she is saying.  We tend to think more of what we want to say in response rather than hearing her out to the end for “If one gives an answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame.” Proverbs 18:13

We may sit there waiting for an opening to put our two cents worth in at the exclusion of missing what she said.  If what you are thinking about saying to her is important enough at the end then say it.  This can easily look more like you caring more about what you want to say than what she feels.  If she is trying to communicate her feelings to you then that is what is most important.  Be the listening ear and shoulder to lean on.

I suppose there is much more to listening than what I have said, these are the ones that I have learned and do on somewhat of a consistent basis.  The Proverbs are full of wisdom on communication.

What do these verses have to do with listening?

How could listening help strengthen the bond of love?

When you listen what are you jealous for with a holy jealousy?

How could not listening temporarily quench love?

What value could you put on listening in a relationship?

Why were some of your conversations productive?  Keep doing those things.

Why were some of your conversations unproductive?  What can you do different next time.

Is there a way of knowing that your love and listening skills are getting better?

Having trouble then get Biblical Counseling for “Where there is no guidance, a people fall, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”  Proverbs 11:14

Listening is different than listening and understanding.

Understanding

Understanding is a step further from just listening.

Understanding has a level of empathy in it.

She is feeling a certain way and if the man can remember a time when they felt the same way, gets it and feels for her because he loves her then there is understanding.

I did it a few times in my life with various women and they were happy.   I would listen, which wasn’t easy.

First, I had to learn to listen, which required love.  For sometimes I was selfish and didn’t want to hear them pour out their feelings.

Second.  After learning to listen and hear the words all the way through.  I learned to ask questions to help clarify anything that didn’t seem to make sense.  Why?  Because I was logical.  Her emotional response to a situation needed to make sense to me.  Yet, whether or not it made sense to me didn’t often matte to the woman.  She wanted me to understand what she was feeling and going through and care.

So, what does it mean to understand what she is feeling?

1 Let her tell you what she is feeling and pay special attention to what word she uses to describe her feeling.  Is she upset, stressed or frustrated.   Is she confused.

Here is where you must be sensitive to her feelings and emotions!

Getting to understand her feelings!

1 Listen

2 Repeat the feeling.   “So, your feeling upset.”

3 Think of a time when you were upset.  Not angry.  She may make a difference.

4 When you think of a time when you were upset, then know that she is feeling the same way and probably more so than you did.  So think of a time when you were the most upset.

5 Once you have the memory, now you know somewhat how she feels.  Listen and understand.

Feeling and Thinking

Sometimes feelings come with a clear idea, thought, knowledge or information and then what she says is attached to something.

This can be understood better by most guys if you switch the word feel around for the word think.

“I feel like having chocolate ice cream.”  Translated so the guy understands “I think I want chocolate ice cream.

“I feel like you’re wrong”.  Translated she thinks you’re wrong.

Guy “Hey sweetheart, what do you think about what’s going on?”

Your sweetheart answers “I don’t know”

Guy “How do you feel about what’s going on?”

Now since she is more in touch with her feelings you will get what she is thinking when she tells you about what she is feeling.  The feeling comes in a certain context.  So basically, you will get what she is feeling and thinking when you ask her “How she feels about the situation.”

Asking what she feels about the situation will help you get what your wandering about what she is thinking about the situation.  You want what she is thinking so you can make a decision.   She is trying to let you know how she feels so you can love her.

Try flipping the words thinking and feeling around when in conversation and see if it helps.

Oh yes, feelings can change.  The same we us guys can change our mind because of better or more information.  Yet, we will say the change was logical.  Yet since the women generally are more in touch with the feeling that goes along with the thought or idea will say, “No, I feel more like vanilla ice cream now.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it often times is the fact that some people are more in touch with their feelings than others.  So, if the one who is in touch with their feelings is talking to someone who isn’t so in touch with their own feelings will often times be insensitive to the one who is in touch with their feelings and emotions because they have a harder time relating than someone who is in touch with their own feelings.   Empathy.

Example of being sensitive to her feelings

When she says “I feel like your not listening to me.”

Now some men may think “What is she feeling?”    and have no clue.   He may have no clue because he isn’t in touch with his own feelings.

Whether or not her feelings are real or perceived, she feels you’re not listening.  So, what would make her feel like you were listening?  When her feelings change from feeling like you’re not listening to feeling as if you are listening then you were sensitive to her feelings.

When you remember a time when you didn’t like the fact that someone was not listening to you, know what that feels like, know that she is feeling that way right now, love her enough to do something about it and then listen so that she feels like your listening then you have made love.  You have done an act of love by listening.  You have done an act that shows you are sensitive to her feelings.

To the guy that wonders what she is feeling.  Let me try to help with some advice my sister gave me that has worked quite well.  I have since learned to modify what she has told me.

She told me that when a woman is going on and on and on to just listen to her.  Don’t interrupt just listen and then say, “I understand”.   Whether or not I understood what she was saying, my sister wanted me and or her husband to just say “I understand” and then she would feel better.    The funny part about this was that she said even if I didn’t understand but said it at the end she would feel better, even if she knew I didn’t understand and was saying “I understand” only because she told me to.

Great, that works for her!