The Evil Town of Destruction
Blacky* was a ballon that lived in a town full of other black balloons. Some balloons where blacker than others but they all were black. They were all weary and heavy laden. Life was hard in their evil town called Pain and Misery, their king was Lucifer and his son was Pharaoh. The city was evil and God’s Judgement was soon to come upon it.
Blacky had her own vineyard that she was supposed to take care of but because of sinful neglect, she also did not guard her heart that is the wellspring of life, so she did not worship the True God. Satan was her souls husband and he worked her hard. The foxes were destroying her own vineyard for there was no fruit, no benefit from her labor.
Every deflated and lifeless balloon would try to find something to fill themselves up, but doing so was like trying to catch wind. It was impossible because every black ballon had huge holes in it. Blacky would try to fill her balloon with lead. She would get some satisfaction by filling herself with various sinful delights but the lead was not enough, the wine she was drinking did not fully satisfy, but rather left more of an empty feeling always, something seemed to be missing. Although the lead made her bigger, she could not get off the ground. She would still lay there lifeless, dead and even getting darker as she filled herself with more and more lead.
Not only did Blacky get darker but the lead started to really way her down. She felt more and more miserable. Life got harder and harder, Pharaoh was angry with her and made her work harder for him building his kingdom but with less bricks*. Purpose and meaning in life seemed to always allude her. Finding nothing but lead to fill her she started to feel hopeless. About this time Whitey came along.
Whitey was holy, happy and would float around most of the time. Blacky wondered with amazement “How could this be, we are all black, miserable and lifeless and she is white, happy and full of life floating around with a glorious wedding dress on and many precious Jewels around her neck?”
Whitey Witnesses to Blacky
Blacky asked “How is it that you are white, happy and floating?”
“I am so glad you asked,” Whitey said, “It would give me great joy to tell you, let me show you in my Book what it says.”
Blacky Gets Convicted with the Bad News
As Whitey went through the Law. The Ten Commandments. Blacky started feel very much afraid of the Wrath of the Great King that was to destroy the City of Destruction and all its inhabitants forever. The Great King was holy and if free from pollution and evil. Unchanging in Holiness. Holiness is His moral beauty and you have none of His Moral Beauty in you. There is nothing in you to attract God to you. Yea, you are abhorrent to Him. You ought to be despised and treated like a prostitute outside a covenant relationship with God. Blacky started to see that she deserved punishment from the Great King for disobeying Him. Disobeying the King was a sin. Sinners deserved death. She was convicted by the truths in the Book. “What must I do to be saved from the Wrath of God?” Blacky said. “My black is really black and I can’t run from the Great King, His anger is flared up and I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. and He is all powerful and everywhere and knows everything, His eyes are like flames of fire seeing right through to my heart and it hurts, it feels like my heart is breaking, and I see myself as undone for I also was a woman of unclean lips, this conviction is just and surely I am condemned to die. I have neglected the vineyard that the Great King wanted me to take care of. The foxes were destroying my fruitfulness to our King. They keep destroying my ability to produce fruit for the King. My sins have separated me from Him. Truly I am so bad, sinful from birth. I deserve for you to forsake me. I have been enslaved by Pharaoh who hated me and the Great King. I have been working outside for him in his vineyard like everyone else and I am black, but you are lovely. How is that so?”
The Gospel, the Good News
Whitey was a Princess of the Great King and Oh, “How beautiful were her sandaled feet” (Song 7:1) when she brought the good news to Blacky and said, “Let me tell you about the Great Kings Father. The Father sent His Son to take our lead upon Himself and took the punishment we deserve. Oh, Blacky that sin, guilt, and punishment that is weighing heavy on your heart can be lifted away.
Jesus the Lamb of God our sin bearing substitute
Yes your feeling guilty and it burdens your heart. Think of all your sin, dark like the tents of Kedar, heavy weighing you down, and see them place upon the Great King Jesus who took it all upon Himself at the cross. Then the Father turned His back away and poured out His Anger on His Holy Son who knew no sin, but became sin for us that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. He suffered as the devil struck His heel, but the Great King destroyed the power of Satan to hold captive the bride of that the Father gave the Son. He bore all of it no matter how bad and great your sin is. He took it all upon Himself and the Wrath you deserve was averted to Him, Jesus Christ the Messiah. He was the propitiation for our sins.
His Righteousness becomes ours
And not only that but the Father sent Him to live a perfect life so that His perfect life can be credited to your account as if we lived His life, then God will treat you as a son and as if you lived the perfect life of Jesus, because His righteousness becomes yours. His name is the Lord our righteousness, and the Father treated His son on the cross as if He lived your sinful life. Though the Son did not sin, “the Father made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us that we might become the righteousness of God in Him.” 2 Cor. 5:21
Behold, The great King and heaven host of saints and angels observing Christiana Tirza witnessing and desiring to look into this and they were rejoicing with great singing because a sinner had repented! God’s messengers, those flames of fire, all warriors experienced in battle all now rejoicing for they are witnessing a sinner repenting!
(Whitey was getting quite excited because it looked as if Blacky was beginning to inflate. Whitey started to pray to her Great King to save Blacky from her misery and slavery to sin and Pharaoh and espouse her to Himself by showing her His Beauty and Love for her at the cross.
This whole scene was being observed by the Great King and His angels 1 Pt 1:12. It was like beholding one of the most beautiful scenes in nature. It was captivating, beautiful, and delightful to behold quite pleasing to the Great King. Whitey was giving nourishment and Blacky receiving it. Both of them like twin fawns browsing among the lilies. Song 4:5)
Blacky’s eyes started to change as Whitey was not ashamed to tell her the Gospel that is the power of God unto salvation. Her eyes looked like doves. Focused straight ahead, as she beheld the Beauty of Christ at the cross. His love there drew her nearer and convicted her.
Also Blacky’s teeth were totally black and not even one of them matched. Now some where white and matching as if they were coming up out of a washing. Believing the Truths, Blacky was cleaning up her mind from false believing false doctrines.
Whitey looked over at the vineyard that Blacky was supposed to be taking care of. Before it had no wall and now some resemblance of a wall was there. The foxes could no longer completely ruin her vineyard only slow the growth and fruitfulness of her vineyard.
She had on a new belt, it was the belt of Truth. Not a full belt but enough for Salvation.
She also had a breastplate on. Though she did not know how to keep it on, it was there.
Her feet were fitted with new shoes. Prepared with the Gospel of Peace for she was no longer at enmity with the “King to whom peace belongs.”
**She also has a shield of Faith, Helmet of Salvation and a Sword, although not experienced in battle she does believe and is saved and the Word of God is in her just not abiding till she is a Strong Young Woman. 1 John 2:12-14
Blacky began to weep saying, “Dark am I, like the tents of Kedar, Oh Great King make me to be lovely like the tent curtains of Solomon because of the work you did for me at the cross. You took my darkness upon yourself and the Father turned His back on You instead of me. Oh, Great King, thank you. I deserve your Wrath but now I see that You were sent by the Father so that anyone who believes in you will not perish will have everlasting life and be ever growing more and more inflated with love through growing in the knowledge of Your Great Love, fill me with your Spirit so I may float happily like Whitey as she humbly serves you, Oh Great King and Savior.”
Blacky is a New Creation
Instantly blacky had
on a white wedding dress Rev. 7:14 and
and precious and valuable Jewels adorned her neck.
Also A horse named Barloc appeared. (Song 1:9)
Tirza looked at herself and noticed a huge change. “I am a rose of Sharon, a lilly of the valleys” She was no longer dark, no longer all dark, but lovely! She had a white wedding dress on but it had some spots on it. Plus she ha a few precious jewels around her neck and she smelled so good compared to before when she was outside laboring in the heat of the sun. She had a new name, her name was Tirza meaning delight, Delight in God, the Delight God Has in His son was in her. Her greatest delight was in the Fathers Son, just as the Father delighted His Sons love so did Tirza, His Delight He had in Himself was in her, Tirza, She is his Tirza. His moral beauty was in her, His Delight, His Spirit, Her delight is in His moral beauty, His Name was like perfume poured out, His moral beauty is His Holiness consisting in Love to God. Her delight is in His holiness.
Tirza’s new desire
Her one desire now changed. She wanted to behold this beauty and inquire into this His holy temple all the days of her life. This is only where enjoyment of God and the glorifying of God is. Her delight was in Him and His delight was in her. His desire is now for her. Her greatest delight is to behold his beauty! The cry of her heart was “Show me your glory over and over, let me experience your love like waves coming to me over and over again washing me and cleansing me all the way on my journey through this barren land.”
Blacky’s Heavy Burden is Lifted
She was happy and began to float around!! she was dead and lifeless and now you have life, the true knowledge of Christ before the foundation of the world He chose us as a love gift from the Father to the Son. Not a beautiful bride. The Father gave the Son a sinful, idol worshipping selfish greedy, angry wife. And to prove His love to her He must die for her. He must take upon himself all of her lead and the punishment that comes with it and order to redeem her, he has to pay her debt. it cost Him His life. Not money or stones it cost Him His life, He had to live a perfect life under all kinds of affliction yet he came out all glorious and ruddy, the cheapest amount ten thousand chiefs. Not only float but gracefully dance and sing with and to her King with great delight and joy unspeakable and full of Glory!
Blacky Gets a new name
“We need to give you a new name” Whitey said to Blacky. “What shall we call you? Well your are a princess of peace and you are the Kings delight. We shall call you Princess Tirza Christiana for your are the Great Kings delight and you dance and sing with great delight for you are a follower of our Lord Jesus Christ. And though you don’t see Him you love Him. And some day at His wedding feast, the marriage supper of the Lamb your Father God will rejoice over you “as a young man marries a virgin, So your sons will marry you; And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, So your God will rejoice over you.” Is. 62:5
Whitey gives Tirza instruction
Mother Christiana said to princess daughter Christiana, “Read your Bible and obey in order to grow, Read your Bible and confess your sins, Read your Bible and repent, Read your Bible and think often of Jesus. Anything you know about Him think about it! Ponder them in your heart often, drive the truths into your mind, and treasure them and Jesus there! He is so valuable and precious to us that we ought to be willing to give our lives in order to have Him close to our hearts! Get your doctrine right and obey. (Shorter Catechism). Follow the tracks of other Christians who have experience in the Christian life and rest your young goats by the shepherd tents.
You are a new creation there are some important things you need to know:
- You are in a battle, not a physical one but a spiritual one. Eph. 6:11-18
- Greater is He that is in you than Satan who is in the world.
- You have 60 angels on your side, a whole heavenly host, all experienced in battle protecting you from the evil one. Lovingly carrying you safely on this journey.
- Greater is He that is in you than Satan who is in the world.
- You are in a type of wilderness being tested. Your faith will be tested. The great King knows if you are a real child or not but you need to know for sure. When you come up out of the wilderness of testing the assurance of your faith and the joy that comes with it will be more precious than gold or silver. Your faith will get refined in this testing and you will grow in your love for the Great King.
- You no longer under His Wrath but stand in His grace. Infinite matchless Grace. Since you are a baby Tirza you will doubt His Love to you often so when convicted of your sin. You need to think often of the Love of the great King in taking your darkness upon Himself and in so doing you will see His Love and grow in your love for Him. This is how love will be perfected in you because perfect love casts out all fear of punishment. The one who fears God’s judgement is not made perfect in love. This is normal for a babe to fear the punishment of God but you will grow out of it. 1 John 4
The great King has equipped you with gifts provided by His Holy Spirit that makes you unstoppable in this battle.
- The character of a Mare in Battle
- Love and faithfulness written on your heart
- Promises of sanctification
- Doves eyes
- Focus on His love that enables her to be faithful
- Dove is the Holy Spirit, her guide, her helper, her encourager, comforter, the one who ignites her unquenchable fire.
These things you have now to some degree. There are some things you need to pick up along the way in order to stand firm in this battle.
- The belt of Truth (babe is learning)
- The breastplate of righteousness (babe is learning)
- Ready feet from the gospel of Peace (babe is learning)
- The shield of Faith (Child needs 1,000 of these to be young woman)
- The helmet of Salvation (precious faith tested, young woman)
- Sword of the Spirit (abiding strong young woman)
- Fully Mature woman (Thoughts on the beginning)
Whitey Christiana said to Tirza, “You gave your life to the King, now You have to prove your love and faithfulness to the King of Glory, you do it by making Him King in all of your heart, words and actions. Look forward to the day when you crown Him King at the revelation of the beatific vision of Jesus Christ Our Lord. This is Eternal Life, enjoying God and glorifying Him forever.
Go forth, O Tirza,
And gaze on the King to whom peace belongs with the crown
With which his mother has crowned him
On the day of his wedding,
And on the day of his gladness of heart.” Song 3:11 The marriage supper of the Lamb. We will feast with Christ. Once His enemies then Seated at His table. Jesus Thank You!!
Make your calling and election sure
Whitey continued, “Make your calling and election sure. You are a baby Christian you will go through testing and doubts and failures so you need to “Make God’s calling you as you say he is a sure thing but not until proven flawless and with nothing wrong with, no flaw in her, in her white yet spotted wedding dress is testing in the wilderness and coves out overcoming the evil one by believing truth and not lies. So Remember
“His divine power has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness, through the true knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence.4 For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust. 5 Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, 6 and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, 7 and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. 8 For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they render you neither useless nor unfruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9 For he who lacks these qualities is blind orshort-sighted, having forgotten his purification from his former sins. 10 Therefore, brethren, be all the more diligent to make certain about His calling and choosing you; for as long as you practice these things, you will never stumble.” 2 Peter 1:3-10
Whitey Christiana continued, “You are a babe now, you will get assurance that you are a child when you get your doctrine and obedience down by putting on the belt of truth, the breastplate of righteousness. And your feet ready with the gospel of peace then at that time the devil will tempt you in the wilderness, it will then be your job to “overcome the evil one.” 1 John 2:13 Satan will tell you lies, you will stumble but you will get back up by replacing the lies he tells you with truth, thus cleaning your spiritual teeth, making your thoughts clean and proportionate to scripture, thus taking every thought captive to the Word of God. By faith in the truth, You will use this shield of faith 1,000 times before you overcome him and then the Word of God will dwell in you richly.”
“for a little while, if necessary, you will be distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ” 1 Peter 1:6-7
I am warning you of these things so that when they happen you will know and understand what is going on and what you need to do. I have been there before and now I am helping you out. You made the first step in your journey by giving your life to the Great King, you are a baby Christian now and this is the first phase, there are 5 phases and you will grow to a child, then a young woman then a strong young woman and Lord willing you will make it to full maturity before you die as a spiritual Mother.
You are no longer dark but lovely. Remind your self of this daily it will balance your thoughts and emotions. The language of your heart needs to be “Dark am I, yet Lovely”
Tirza was getting excited and quite thirsty, she wanted to read more of the Book that Whitey had. “Can I read more of your Book, it delighted me to hear you read it” Tirza said.
Whitey Christiana smiled with great joy, “Yes, you can have my Book, I have another one at home. Here are some things you need to know about this Book.”
- You will not understand all of it at once, but the Holy Spirit who authored this precious Book will teach you and convict you of what you need to do this is that flame and light inside of you it was given to you when you believed. He will teach you what to do, He will be your guide, you want to listen to Him and not grieve Him by disobeying. You will feel it when you disobey it will not be good. Or Loving King disciplines those He loves. For “His love is as strong as death, and His Jealousy for your holiness and happiness is as severe as Sheol” Song 8:6
- You are a newborn baby Christian, you will desire to read this book often like as much as a newborn baby desires milk so that you may grow to be a child. This Book is your belt of Truth. You need to bind it around your heart, treasure it in your mind and believe it with all your heart.
Tirza chimed in saying intense desire, “I have a burning desire for a closer more intimate relationship with my King who and Husband who loved me and gave have His life for me I love him and want the strictest union with Him as fast as possible, how do I do that?”
Whitey Christiana smiled, for she was remembering when she had that very same “very Flame of God”(Song 8:6) NASB in her She said, “Oh, Tirza “I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ” 2 Cor. 11:2 kjv So keep growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ by making it your one desire and that only will you seek, that is to behold the beauty of the Lord and inquire into the salvation of sinners by grace alone through faith alone in Christ alone. Thus experiencing His Love over and over again at great degrees of glory, from one level of glory to another from babe to a fully mature spiritual Mother like me.” And somehow she said that with Humility to me. She felt happy and safe there with the one who helped bring about her new birth. Mother Christiana was the wife of a Pilgrim named Christian who also used to live in the City of Destruction but escaped also by the Grace of God through faith in the Great King. They had already Journeyed through this pilgrimage land so they came back to tell Tirza how to live a Godly Life drawing ever nearer to the One your heart Loves.
Whitey Christiana left and said that Tirza should read her bible and pray every morning. Tirza ponder all this thoughts, they seemed such wonderful thoughts to have, thinking upon and beholding the Beauty of Christ and that is the only thing you want. You want this then you are satisfied, only beholding the Beauty of Christ. It is like you see a flower and it looked nice and you beheld the beauty of the flower. But you kept walking and found looking at something else was nice as well so you study the bible more but you are not obeying it. If you find yourself not Obeying then just pick back up again go and run. When you come back to your senses. This is part of the training of your spiritual senses is.
Baby Tirza needs to learn how to come to convictions of what Gods will as she reads and obeys. How do I know that what I am thinking is what He wants for me? If it says it in the Bible then It is His will for you.
Your purpose in life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. He really only wants my happiness and holiness. He is a Jealous God. He will give the best Gift to His Son, a beautiful bride, his body, they were one, separate but now more united, a stricter union of Truth in the mind and Love and Joy in the heart.
Oh, Tirza, you are the bride of Christ, He is your Husband/husband who gave His/his life to redeem your life back from the prostitution block, those spiritual prostitutes that worshipped other Gods where In slavery to false doctrine and sin they did not honor God nor give Him thanks. They also were Bound by the Law, slaves to sin, with Pharaoh as their king. They were in slavery and needed redemption they are in dented to another a ransom must be paid. Jesus paid the price by taking our sins upon Himself at the cross. This one act of obedience is sufficient enough to pay the price for all who would believe in Him as Lord and Savior. Yeh, there is more than enough Grace available for the sinner, His grace is never ending so if you fear His wrath then understand His Grace and Love at the cross, His Love to Us and His the Lord our Righteousness is His name.
He gave His life not to redeem a sinful prostitute bride that he would make beautiful and more holy, pure in heart to clean herself up before the wedding. What bride does not want to be beautiful on her wedding day? They all would want to a pure virgin bride. Are you waiting for your King, Bridegroom and Savior. Come Lord Jesus Come! The spirit of the Bride says come! Yeh, He is coming soon so bride you better be ready put your doves eyes on and run the race set before you.
This book will get you yearning for Jesus to Come. Is this not what you want? Really you do, you only want His kingdom to come here on earth as it is in heaven. Hollowed be thy name.
Tirza had come back to her mother
The Journey of Tirza as a baby Christian
Tirza as a child of God with assurance
Persecution Song 1:2
Assurance of Salvation
Tirza becoming a young woman
Replacing lies by faith.
Tirza as a young woman
Viewing her Inheritance.
Lions that prowl up there.
Coming down from the mountain
Tirza becoming a strong young woman
Humbling causes further inflation
Tirza as a strong young woman
Christ is standing there ever interceding for us. Like Mose to the Israelites over and over he averted the wrath of God by His intercession. Yet our King, Great High Priest and Prophet of a Husband loves us and died for us and ever intercedes for us.
Tirza becoming a spiritual mother
Tirza as a spiritual mother.
While she was looking intently into the Sun Whitey say another hole in her ballon. As she stared at her black hole she was reminded of the Great King who died to take her Blackness away.
Work of the Holy Spirit
Helium lifts a ballon higher. Holy Spirit lift us higher, give us life. And as David said, please “do not take your Holy Spirit from me”
The Holy Spirit is a Spirit of Truth, Power and Love.
- Truth. The work of the Holy Spirit is to convict of truth. Truth about God, Truth about Jesus. Truth about ourselves and our sin. Truth about the way of salvation.
Explanation of Metaphors
Black is our sin that weighs us down.
Her Vineyard. Her hearts true desire. Their hearts desire.
Foxes are anything that keeps our relationship with God and each other from flourishing.
Helium is the Holy Spirit.
Tirza means delight
The Great King is Jesus
The holes are our various sins.
The town of Misery is our slavery to sin.
The task master is the Devil, the sinners husband.
Lead is anything but Christ. Lead is sin.
Oil in the lamp is the Holy Spirit.
Her hearts desire was for the extraordinary outpouring of His Love shed abroad in her heart. Oh, to see the height of it to see the depths of it, and to grasp the breathe and length more and get a clearer idea of the love of god that surpasses knowledge by the greater experience of it, not just in the mind in the knowledge of God but also in our hearts and desires in the enjoyment and delight in Him.
This love to her on display in his dying love for her, He gave Himself an atoning sacrifice for our sin. He suffered the wrath I deserve. This is love on display and behold it, it is beautiful the most holy love of God at the cross. Lay your darkness there all of your darkness. Lay it all on Him. The Jews would put their hands onto the goat to symbolize our sin transferring to another innocent clean animal and the substitute dies on behalf of the sinner. The one who sinned would bring sacrifices. Also involuntary sacrifices. Yet some required. There are things we need daily, we need daily washing of our feet, remind yourself of the Gospel, think “Dark am I, yet lovely”. And ask God to let you experience His Love and Grace in Christ. As You Experience His Love and Love Him and others, then this Love will Become your greatest delight, because His love is more delightful than wine and better than life. Therefore your heart will cry out for more of this great delight as she does in Song 1:2-6:
2 “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth: for thy love is better than wine.
3 Because of the savour of thy good ointments thy name is as ointment poured forth, therefore do the virgins love thee.
4 Draw me, we will run after thee: the king hath brought me into his chambers: we will be glad and rejoice in thee, we will remember thy love more than wine: the upright love thee.
5 I am black, but comely, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, as the tents of Kedar, as the curtains of Solomon.
6 Look not upon me, because I am black, because the sun hath looked upon me: my mother’s children were angry with me; they made me the keeper of the vineyards; but mine own vineyard have I not kept.”
Saved in 2000 at age 27. Nearly immediately I fell in love with the Song and grew very fast the first two years memorizing large portions of scripture purifying my mind the started chewing on meat to soon and struggled for 12 years and Christ has me on track like always but I just took the long way around and now I love leading others closer to Christ by seeing His love reflected in Solomons love for an enemy slave girl.
I have experienced God's love to me in the Song in ways that words can't express. There are many portion of the Word where she experiences extra ordinary outpouring of the Holy Spirit of God. If you have a burning desire for a close intimate relationship with God by experiencing His Love to you over and over again at greater and greater heights, depths, lengths and breaths then The Song of Songs is where you need to be.
I can help you with this process of Growing in the experience of God's love. As of 7-23-16 I have experienced everything prior to chapter 8. The Song of Song is progressive in experience. Meaning that if you are mature then you can experience the joys and extraordinary outpourings of God's Love shed abroad in your heart.
If you are not so mature then the delights in the first chapter of the Song will satisfy your thirst for experiencing the Love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Many Christian are living in sin because they do not know how to experience God's love and get hooked on Loving Him. It feels good to be loved and to love Him. His burden is not heavy and His yoke is light, Jesus said in Matt. 10:28
I believe God wants to use me to help beautify His Bride through the Song of Solomon.
If you see the book literally you will not understand nor grasp the Love God has for you. If you see the book and the verses in it relating to Christ's love to you then I would love to show you how to experience this Love to the fullest. I will pray for you daily and guide you every step of the way.
16 I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, 17 so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, 18 may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, 19 and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, 21 to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
I grew up going to church but was a hypocrite. I lived my life how I chose but went to church on Sunday because my family went.
Mom and Dad divorced when I was about 5.
About this time I was sexually abused by "Bob" a made up name. This incident changed my life for the worst. I had no clue how to deal with it.
As I got older I grew in my hatred for Bob. I didn't blame anyone of my family because I was to young to know any better. Some of what happened during the abuse was in a bathroom. So overtime I would use the bathroom and look at my private parts that night would replay in my mind. My hatred for Bob would continue to grow each time.
Now I know this only happened to me one night. I can't image the pain other's go through who have had this happen to them over and over. Even as I write this now I cry with many tears for those hurting. God love you even though you may not know it or feel it. Go to Him in your time of need.
I was a really bad teenager. I only cared about myself and not even my family. I always came first in my mind. Even at the expense of hurting others. I was growing in my hatred for God by now.
I was going to church and was learned that God was in control. I thought well, if God was in control then He must have let me be sexually abused. I didn't understand this, How could a good and loving God allow this. I hated Him for it. My hatred for Bob grew as well. I was still using the bathroom and memories kept coming back. My heart grew even harder for Bob and God. As far as I was concerned God would have nothing to do with my life so I lived even worse. I thought I would be in jail or dead and I really didn't care, I thought it could be much worse than reliving your painful past over and over again. Little did I know that God's plan later would be to use these events to give me a burning passion for the closest most intimate love relationship with Himself through Christ mainly through the love poem in the Song of Songs in the Bible.
I remember hating Bob so much that the only thing that would relieve my pain was actually thinking he would suffer forever for what he did. I grew so much in my hatred for him that I had to continue to think that he would get even worse than what I imaged before. After some time I would only be relieved of hatred for him unless I thought he would burn in a hotter and hotter hell for all the suffering he put me through.
I never told my mom or family what happened, although I think some of them knew something had happened.
I grew up quite rebellious and even went to jail at the age of 20. I was living the fast life pursuing all my sinful desires and wanting more. It never seemed to be enough. I was quite happy in my sin but I just wanted more of it.
I lived life thinking I would die at a young age, riding motorcycle and living on the edge put me in the hospital many times and I should have been dead.
California at age 26.
I moved to California for a job opportunity at the age of 27. While trying to figure out what radio stations to program in my car, I ran across a RC Sproul talking about "people who have the faith that saves and people who only say that have faith" only the people who have the faith that saves will go to heaven. I thought "I don't think I have the faith that saves because my life was so bad." I searched the scriptures to try to get this faith. I found a church and thought people there could help me get this faith that saves. All along God kept showing me how sinful I was and that I deserved punishment from Him for living my life hating Him.
One weekend I read Matthew, Mark, Luke and John desperately trying to find out how to get this faith that saves. By now I knew that if you had the faith that saves that Jesus would be saving you from a life of sin. I still liked my sin and Jesus sure wasn't saving me from a life of sin, so I rightly concluded that I didn't have the faith that saves.
By the time I got to John, I saw "believe" everywhere. John 3:16 and other verses and wow the whole book was written so that you may believe. John 20:31 "these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." So at night I would pray "I believe Jesus died for me, I believe, I believe. This was just an intellectual belief. I knew that in history and the Bible that Jesus died for everyone, so I believed it. But this belief did not change my life.
I would go on night after night saying the same prayer only to wake up the next day wanting to fulfill my sinful desires. The prayer wasn't working so I started to word it different each time hoping some prayer would work. After about 2 weeks of this I was fed up with it all, nothing was happening. I still was living in my sin and wanted more of it. A Christian hates their sin and does something about it, and certainly they don't continue to make plans to sin. The prayers weren't working so I gave up. I thought to myself "God, I tried with all my might, I searched the Scriptures, went to church, read the Bible and prayed all to no avail. If Im going to be saved your going to have to do it because I tried."
So I quit praying but still the Bible kept calling me so I read more. 3 Days later I was laying in a tanning bed and God convicted me really hard that I had offended Him by the life I was living. I was so scared of God, where could I run. You can't hide from God. It seemed like forever that I was under these terrors of being punished by a Holy Angry God. This lasted about 10 minutes then this is how I understood it. God let me understand that all that anger that He had for me for all my sin should come my way but He had poured that anger out on Jesus 2,000 years ago. I immediately started weeping an couldn't stop for about 20 minutes. All the sins that I could think of I confessed for that 20 minutes one after another after another, I was so sorrowful and grieved it physically hurt inside.
After I stopped crying I thought that was the weirdest thing that ever happened. I walked out of the tanning salon and stood outside and everything seemed so beautiful, the tree's, the birds, even the air seemed pleasant. Now I was really wondering what was going on.
I pondered all of this as I drove to work that day. I brought my Bible to work and was thinking what am I doing, I want to take my Bible to work so I can read it. As soon as I got to work I started reading my Bible. I couldn't believe what I was reading!! It all was so wonderful. It felt so good to just read my Bible. My client showed up and as I was training them the only thing I could think about was getting back to my Bible. I read all night and slept about 2 hours and was reading again.
I had sinful things in my apartment and I rounded everything evil up and threw it in the garbage. It was weird I was thinking but it felt good so I left it all in the garbage. I called my girlfriend to break it up and she thought I had another girl, I said no, I just think this is wrong we shouldn't be sleeping together. She didn't understand so I told her I was a Christian now and she still thought I had another girlfriend. She said "Im glad your a Christian, so am I" I thought to myself, "I have a strong conviction that sleeping together is wrong and she thought it was okay" I wondered how she could think that. Anyway we broke up.
I kept reading my bible and repenting, there was so much to repent of and I had lived a very sinful life. I was a thief for some part of my life and all the people I stole from kept coming to mind. I owed so much money. I was instantly in debt about $80,000. As I could I paid them back. As of 7-18-2016 I still owe about $25,000 but it sure is a joy to be paying them back.
The first week of being saved a car just about ran me over, they hit me but I wasn't hurt at all. The guy in the car felt so bad. I just looked at him and said "God bless you and have a great day, I am okay" smiled at him and moved on. Now I was really wondering what was going on because I normally would have cussed him out left and right and instead of cussing I blessed him. That was so weird. But again it felt good. I learned to do good by what my conscience told me was good and that it felt good. I got hooked on this feeling good by doing good and did it more often.
About two weeks after being saved I thought of Bob. I immediately prayed for him, something like "Lord help him.." then I stopped praying and said out loud "What am I doing?" I'm praying for a man that I hated my whole life, but it feels good and right, so I did it again. I stopped again midway in the prayer and started pacing around. I was trying to make sense of what was going on and couldn't figure it out. But again it made me happy to pray for him so I did. Bob would often come to mind when I went to the bathroom and each time I would pray for Him. The more I did this the less weird it got. And the greater my love grew for him.
I started memorizing large portions of scripture and this was wonderful because it felt like the words were cleaning my mind and as Proverbs 2:10 "For wisdom will enter your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul." I wanted more and more of this pleasantness. So I memorized even more and the joy got more and more.
Then this life changing advice came:
A friend from church told me to find a book of the Bible and really understand it. Read through the Bible and pick one and read it over and over and study it and really get it. So I started in Genesis and read through. When I got to Proverbs I really liked it so I thought that would be the book. I started by memorizing all of Proverbs chapter 3. After that I thought maybe there is a better book than Proverbs. So I read on. Then I came to Song of Solomon. I read it with quite some confusion. It wasn't as good as the other books, I didn't know why. So I bought a commentary on it. George Burrowes commentary on the Song of Solomon.
In the commentary I found that George and other saw the book as illustrating God's love to the Church. And not only illustrating it but displaying the Love of Christ better than any other book. This caught my attention big time, because I was having a burning desire for a closer relationship with God and desperately learning about His Love so that I could Love God. You see I had hated Him for so long that God used that old hard heart to spur me on in loving Him. I so much did not want to hate God anymore that I was on fire to learn to Love Him as much and as fast as possible. So here was a book that would help me do that. So I landed on the Song of Solomon. I committed to learning as much of this book as possible.
I memorized the first chapter and would repeat it often throughout the day. I didn't know much of what I was repeating but it sure made me happier and on fire for God. I grew so fast repeating the first chapter over and over again all day, like a dozen times a day at least. It felt so good and I never found any other book that caused me to weep so much. I would often weep everyday just reading it. I was to immature to know what was going on. Even though it hurt to weep so much, I felt like my heart was being cleansed from the filth that was in it by repeating it over and over again so I did. As I read the commentary I understood more and more. What God was doing in me through the Song was greater and faster than any other portion of Scripture so I tended to stay there often. I was so excited about God that I thought it funny that other's in church weren't the same way. Some where happy but it seemed most of them didn't seem to care much about God. They would talk about work, football the weather. The only thing I wanted to talk about was Jesus and God and how can I grow closer to Him.
About this time there was a mission trip to Ireland.
I started to have convictions that I should try to find Bob and witness to him. I kept praying for him but how could he be saved if he hadn't heard the Gospel that has power unto salvation. So I asked family if they had any information. Like me before, my family hated him and thought he deserved hell. After some time I got his name but no location or phone number. Either they didn't know where he was or didn't want to tell me. I prayed some more and then started to get stronger convictions to do something about finding Bob.
So I went on the internet and typed in "his name and child molestation sex offender court" thinking that some court record would have some info leading to where I may find him" I even talked to a private eye and he couldn't help. So I googled some key words and spent hours each day looking through each page. I believed it was God's will for me to witness to Bob. I wanted him to be saved. Really bad. So much so that I thought God would save Bob if I were to witness to him. So I didn't stop searching for him. I kept my computer on each day and went page by page. It took two years to go through about 15,000 pages but I found someone who matched his name in a prison for molesting his grandchildren. I wrote the prison and he wrote back. All kinds of emotions went through my body when I saw his letter from the jail. I didn't open it right away but two hours later God gave me enough courage to face my fears again and I opened the letter. He admitted to being the one who molested me. We wrote back and forth I told him I was angry before but now I was saved and that I loved him and believed God wanted me to talk to him. He read my letters over and over again. I shared the gospel in each one.
I got mad at Bob 2x. Once he said that he love me. I got really angry with him. He didn't love me. That night it was hard to love Bob, I had to call a friend to pray for me to repent, after he prayed I felt greater love for Bob. Then I wrote him back saying "I'm sorry but you can't say that you loved me. You did not love me you lusted after me." He admitted he didn't love as he should have and admitted that it was lust and sinful. Finally some conviction. Yet I only thought he was saying that because I was being nice to him. All his family had left him and he said I was the only "friend" he had.
Wether or not it was true Bob said that he had cancer in his arm and that the help the prison gives was not enough and if he had money he could see a different doctor and get help. I sent him some money and since I was in jail before I knew what it was like to be in there without money, so I sent him money.
About 4-5 months in the economy went down, it was 2008. Work was hard. I still sent him money and I had to work harder. This was a really good lesson for me because I had to "work hard for the benefit of someone who did not deserve it." This was one of the greatest blessing ever because I realized with great certainty that Jesus was in me. This is what Jesus did. Jesus worked his whole life for me and I didn't deserve it!! Christ was in me! This was one of the best feelings ever and it put me in worship for months.
Then a mission trip to Croatia.
Each time I had to leave my business and amazing as it is I was completely okay each time. I am a self employed personal trainer and it is normally absurd to just leave and start over, but each time I had enough work within 2 weeks of coming back. This is a flat out miracle. I trusted God to provide and he did. How many people can start up a business in 2 weeks. Only with the help of God. God was teaching me early on in my walk that as long as I did what He wanted me to do then I had nothing to worry about.
About 3 years saved now.
I Taught the 4 year old's at church Sunday morning for 10 years.
Left my business 2x for mission trips and God miraculously provided when I came back.
I taught 5 x a week plus held a job.
Sunday morning to the kids.
Sunday night with the 5th graders
Friday afternoons at Good News Clubs. Sponsored by Child Evangelism Fellowship.
Friday Nights with the Kids teaching through Pilgrims Progress, I did this 2x
Teaching Monday afternoons at a nursing home. I taught through the Song of Songs once then John, then Romans then back to the Song again! I love the Song of Songs.
I grew up hating God for what happened to me, and now I love Him because He first loved me. My passion is for children to grow up loving God and not hating Him.
My other passion which has become ever greater is to help others see the Love of Christ to His Church in the Song of Songs!!
I would love to help you, just let me know and I will lead you and pray for you.
God demonstrates His love to us in sending His one and only Son to suffer in our place, taking our sins upon Himself so that whoever believes they get to heaven because of what He did for us will not perish but have everlasting life.